Spontaneous Combustion & You: Revisited
A look at what would've happened if the pizza wasn't made of metal.
In another life, he might not have eaten the metal slice and lived. And that is exactly what will happen in the coming tale.
He finished the pizza (which was not made of metal) in one and a half bites. He heard aggressive foot stomps as the unruly mob of his office charged in, planning to personally extract the pizza from his internal organs. He ran out the door on the opposite side of the room. He flew down the hallway (literally) and ran down two flights of stairs until he reached the bottom floor.
This bottom floor was basically the lobby. There were people sitting in the chairs and someone at the front desk. It also smelt of stale Cheese Nips.
"Excuse me, sir. Can I help you with something?" asked the person at the front desk.
"No!" said him (I know it's improper, but it's necessary).
"Hey...wait...you don't work here!"
"Yes I do! I even have a badge!"
"Then prove it!"
"I can't right now! I'm being chased by a mob of pizza-hungry cannibals!"
"Oh."
He ran out of the lobby and into the street, where he jumped in to a car that happened to have its door wide open. Due to this convenience he was able to get a head start on the mob. But the civilians in the street knew. As he was driving along Main Street (of which there were eight) a pedestrian walked out into the crosswalk on a red light and leapt on his windshield. The pedestrian's tongue turned into a drill and made a hole in the windshield. Then a long tube extended from their esophagus and spewed corrosive acid on the passenger seat.
"Dang! That stain will never come out!" he said. He reached under his seat and pulled out his trusty rubber beating chicken. He slapped the pedestrian upside the head and they retreated from the vehicle. He then sped through the first Main Street and turned onto Johnson Avenue, which would eventually take him to the nearest highway.
Throughout this journey he was attacked by a variety of people ranging from a fat guy with several rubber animals to a very tall person holding two car tires. He successfully avoided them until he got to the highway. There the civilians had built a barricade out of unusual appliances, ranging from a fire hydrant to a coffin.
He backed until he was sure he would make it, then he accelerated dangerously fast towards the barricade. It turns out that fire hydrants and coffins can take quite a hit.
His car smashed into them and flew twenty feet backward. The engine of the car was completely wrecked and one of his wheels was somewhere else. He desperately tried to escape the car, but the hungry people had surrounded him. One of them opened the door and flung him out. Then they poured in and consumed all the leather on the seats. Once they were finished they became angry and spastic and poked him with wrenches until he relented and puked up the pizza slice. They ravenously fought for it, jabbing and poking and stabbing with sharp fingernails. After about an hour of combat only one remained, and he had swelled up into a bulbous lard-creature of death and fat. The thing turned to him and said, "Looketh upon thy, such a vulnerable being, thou hath no sustenance of which we hath not stolen. Thee shalt be smitten by the wrathful belch of Kvacksawthgoomeckqutled!" The thing proceeded to convulse and thrash about, conjuring some unearthly fluid from its inner tunnels of digestion.
He ran for his life, but the fluid had great range and a rapid rate of fire, not to mention it stung quite a bit when it made contact with a solid not protected by inner stomach lining. Well, this barf-like acid fell upon him before he could vault the barricade and escape. It sent a tingling sensation through his skin and made him feel like a young chimpanzee again. This was revealed to be a lie and he became frustrated because everything was "too hard". The company in charge of his life stated that he had used up his quotation minutes and had to pay extra. He refused to pay extra and threatened to switch companies if this ridiculous mumbo-jumbo was to continue.
He then woke up from his three-year-long coma, in which he had somehow fell under his bed. Or maybe he was under Margaritias.
You're Welcome
He finished the pizza (which was not made of metal) in one and a half bites. He heard aggressive foot stomps as the unruly mob of his office charged in, planning to personally extract the pizza from his internal organs. He ran out the door on the opposite side of the room. He flew down the hallway (literally) and ran down two flights of stairs until he reached the bottom floor.
This bottom floor was basically the lobby. There were people sitting in the chairs and someone at the front desk. It also smelt of stale Cheese Nips.
"Excuse me, sir. Can I help you with something?" asked the person at the front desk.
"No!" said him (I know it's improper, but it's necessary).
"Hey...wait...you don't work here!"
"Yes I do! I even have a badge!"
"Then prove it!"
"I can't right now! I'm being chased by a mob of pizza-hungry cannibals!"
"Oh."
He ran out of the lobby and into the street, where he jumped in to a car that happened to have its door wide open. Due to this convenience he was able to get a head start on the mob. But the civilians in the street knew. As he was driving along Main Street (of which there were eight) a pedestrian walked out into the crosswalk on a red light and leapt on his windshield. The pedestrian's tongue turned into a drill and made a hole in the windshield. Then a long tube extended from their esophagus and spewed corrosive acid on the passenger seat.
"Dang! That stain will never come out!" he said. He reached under his seat and pulled out his trusty rubber beating chicken. He slapped the pedestrian upside the head and they retreated from the vehicle. He then sped through the first Main Street and turned onto Johnson Avenue, which would eventually take him to the nearest highway.
Throughout this journey he was attacked by a variety of people ranging from a fat guy with several rubber animals to a very tall person holding two car tires. He successfully avoided them until he got to the highway. There the civilians had built a barricade out of unusual appliances, ranging from a fire hydrant to a coffin.
He backed until he was sure he would make it, then he accelerated dangerously fast towards the barricade. It turns out that fire hydrants and coffins can take quite a hit.
His car smashed into them and flew twenty feet backward. The engine of the car was completely wrecked and one of his wheels was somewhere else. He desperately tried to escape the car, but the hungry people had surrounded him. One of them opened the door and flung him out. Then they poured in and consumed all the leather on the seats. Once they were finished they became angry and spastic and poked him with wrenches until he relented and puked up the pizza slice. They ravenously fought for it, jabbing and poking and stabbing with sharp fingernails. After about an hour of combat only one remained, and he had swelled up into a bulbous lard-creature of death and fat. The thing turned to him and said, "Looketh upon thy, such a vulnerable being, thou hath no sustenance of which we hath not stolen. Thee shalt be smitten by the wrathful belch of Kvacksawthgoomeckqutled!" The thing proceeded to convulse and thrash about, conjuring some unearthly fluid from its inner tunnels of digestion.
He ran for his life, but the fluid had great range and a rapid rate of fire, not to mention it stung quite a bit when it made contact with a solid not protected by inner stomach lining. Well, this barf-like acid fell upon him before he could vault the barricade and escape. It sent a tingling sensation through his skin and made him feel like a young chimpanzee again. This was revealed to be a lie and he became frustrated because everything was "too hard". The company in charge of his life stated that he had used up his quotation minutes and had to pay extra. He refused to pay extra and threatened to switch companies if this ridiculous mumbo-jumbo was to continue.
He then woke up from his three-year-long coma, in which he had somehow fell under his bed. Or maybe he was under Margaritias.
You're Welcome
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