Snappy Answers to Costumers’ Stupid Questions

The door to the chocolate store has been propped open. A red sign reads the words "Open," in white letters.

The sales associate, dressed from head to toe in chocolate-stained black clothing and apron stands behind the counter.

The store is busy. A woman and her young daughter look at truffle boxes, taking each one down, and putting it back upside down. At the front of the store a group of teenage girls carrying shopping bags from Abercrombie & Fitch look in the case for a piece to splint between them.

A women walks through the door, oblivious to the scene around her, she tilts her head, and asks in a puzzled voice, "Are you open?"

"No, we’re closed. The open door and customers walking around the store buying things are just figments of your imagination," the sales associate thinks, but doesn’t say aloud.

The sales associate takes in a deep breath and swallows the sarcastic comment dangling from the tip of her tongue, smiles and says as sweetly as possible, "yes, how may I help you?"

The woman leans onto the bulk case and looks down. She begins to look and point at each piece in the case, making sure to push down hard enough to leave her fingerprints every where. Suddenly she sees something that peaks her interest.

"Ooh, what’s in the rum truffle?" she ogles.

"Ooh, what’s in the rum truffle?" she ogles.

Aloud she answers matter-of-factly, "Rum."

"Oh. Will I have to show you my I.D.?" she asks with a laugh.

"Yes, actually, I would have to see your I.D," the sales associate answers pointing to the sign in the case displaying the alcohol law.

In the midst of this conversation, she remembers the book she was reading the night before, Mad Magazine’s Al Jaffee Presents Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions Written in the 1970’s, the book started as a feature in Mad Magazine, but was so popular that it was expanded into a series of full-length books. The books were made up of a series of comics featuring some numbskull asking a dumb question, and three wise guy responses and a blank speech bubble for the reader to write in his or her own snappy answer.

Seeing the sign above the associate’s head she says, "Oh, you have drinks. What is the Dark Chocolate Decadence?"

After hearing the explanation the woman furrows her brows, and says, "but what is the decadence part?"

The sales associate is about to explain that "decadence" isn’t a type of flavor when she is interrupted.

"A man comes running into the store.

"How do you get into the Guess Store?" he asks.

"Through the front door."

Thinking of the book again, the sales associate wonders to herself if Al Jaffee had ever worked in retail.

"He could probably get an entire edition of Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions after just an hour in this store!

***
Traci, a high school student trying to save up for her first car, stands behind the counter of a crowded Dunkin’ Donuts, full of cranky and sleepy people in dire need of coffee. The woman at the head of the line is grilling her about the coffee she serves.

"Is it fresh? Do you make the coffee here?" the woman asks.

"Uh yeah," says Traci. "It’s brewed over there…" she says gesturing to the coffee brewing.

Annoyed the woman shakes her head, "yeah, but what about the beans, do you make those yourself?"

"Yeah lady, we grow them in the back," she answers, her voice heavy with sarcasm.

"Never mind then," says the woman, annoyed. "I’ll get something else. Could you tell me, what fruit is in the strawberry-banana smoothie?"

Around the corner, at a local fast food restaurant, the line of costumers stretches all the way to the door. The line remains stalled by a man at the front counter with many questions about the offerings on the menu.

"What kind of sauce comes on the Bacon Ranch Chicken sandwich?" he asks.

It’s his third question about the items on the menu.

Annoyed, the hungry girl behind him answers, "Honey mustard of course," loud enough so he could hear her.

"That sandwich comes with ranch sauce, sir," the cashier answers, trying to ignore the other guest’s wise guy comment.

"I hate ranch. The Grilled Chicken sandwich, it’s not fried is it?" he asks. After being assured that the sandwich was not fried, but grilled (who’d have thought) he orders the Grilled Chicken sandwich for himself.

"Give me a cheeseburger no cheese for my daughter," he adds.

"Grilled chicken sandwich and a hamburger, no problem," the cashier says.

"Not a hamburger, a cheeseburger without cheese, don’t you listen?" snaps the confused man.

"Would you like more napkins sir?" the cashier asks him, handing him his food.

"No, I’ll wipe my hands on pants; I don’t like them much anyway," he grumbles grabbing his food.

"Moron, no wonder you work in fast food," the man says walking away.