Skipping Coffee Shop First Dates: When Wedding Proposals Come First

My North American culture got me used to a "standard dating process" to which, I must say, I have adhered entirely. It just makes sense to me to get to know people before you decide to form a couple and invest time and effort in making it a happy one. It’s simply odd and abnormal for a guy I’ve never met in my life to walk up to me and propose.

The Importance of References

I’ve been raised to believe there are typical spots to meet eventual partners, such as summer programs, FaceBook, and private parties. The logical reason behind this is the importance of references. I gave a lot of thought to this lately: when an employer hires an someone, he will check references, and if a friend or another employee suggests a certain person he or she knows to do the job, the employer will always pick that person, because someone he knows and trusts thinks he or she will be fit for the job.

The same applies to personal relationships. I want references!

As a nerdy 16-year-old girl, I met my first boyfriend in a special summer-intensive science and engineering program 5 hours away from home. Obviously, putting 48 alike teenagers from all over the country together 24 hours a day for one month created at least 15 couples in the group. It was normal and could be expected, because we all knew about the highly selective process everyone had been through to be accepted in the program. That instantly pre-qualified in my mind every opposite-sex person (yes, I already knew I was heterosexual) as a potential partner.

The same logic applies to social networking sites like FaceBook. The mere fact that a guy is a friend of a friend tags him in my mind as "OK to Approach, Proceed to Contact". On the other hand, there’s nothing I’ve hated more in my life than pure strangers contacting me through ICQ (yes, way back then) and asking my ASC (Age-Sex-City). An "Abort Session" message instantly popped into my mind because of the lack of references. Thank god for today’s social networking!

The truth is that in my circle of friends, a person without references is frightening. This translates to everyday life. My friend was so sick and tired of being harassed on the street by awkward unknown men that she bought pepper spray for herself and all her female friends.

The Wedding Proposals

When I was just 15, I went on my first trip to Cuba. You think I would remember the sand and heat and sea most vividly but, alas, three "details" marked my life that week. The best one was my encounter with espresso machines, which initiated my career without me even being aware of it. I clearly remember smelling the fantastic odor of this kind of coffee each time I stepped into the hotel’s restaurant. I was excited about getting up the next morning to drink it. But the other two unforgettable "details" are the first to spring to mind when I think of Cuba. They were, at the time, the most uncomfortable intrusions in my well-preserved, referenced-based network of friends.

I was lying on a long chair next to the pool when a local guy, a perfect stranger, came to me and said: "Marry me..." For the record, creeping up on me to say those words and touch my shoulders certainly fits into my friend’s pepper spray category! Being the shy and unexperienced teen I was, I simply politely replied: "No thank you", got up and disappeared from his sight...

The second event that took place in Cuba that same week goes along the same lines. This time it was a hotel staff who called on me. He actually said in his Cuban accent: "You have pretty eyes. Let’s marry." The drama is this: he was serious. Really! What is it with Cubans and unexpected proposals? No need to say, my internal Anti-Proposal Radar was created and instantly uploaded to my brain.

Well, here’s my point: The level of pre-existing trust one inherits from being referred by a friend or backed up by common circumstances kicks off any first date, and chances are the success rate of these relationships will be higher than ones resulting from out-of-the-blue encounters, even if they’re fun once in a while.

About the Author

Andreanne Hamel is a successful writer and publisher of a website dedicated to her initial stove top espresso passion. It has developed, over the last 2 years, to include other types of coffee makers such as fully automatic espresso machines and commercial equipment.