Short Funny Quotes

This compilation of short funny quotes is bound to have you in splits! For those who love to keep a collection of short funny quotes would know how handy these could be to cheer someone up or simply have a good laugh! Here are some amusing and even irritating short funny quotes!

Short Funny Quotes:
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. - Anonymous

I’m not offended by all the dumb-blonde jokes because I know that I’m not dumb. I also know I’m not blonde - Dolly Parton

Thank God I’m an atheist. – Anonymous

Avoid hangovers: stay drunk – Anonymous

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. - Jerry Seinfeld

An egotist is someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. – Anonymous

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else. – Anonymous

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep. - Jim Loy

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor – Anonymous

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. - W. C. Fields

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch – Anonymous

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman – Maryon Pearson

The four most important words in any marriage…I’ll do the dishes. - Anonymous

If at first you don't succeed, order pizza. - Anonymous

Many people lose their tempers merely from seeing you keep yours. - Anonymous

A closed mouth gathers no foot. – Anonymous

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. - Albert Einstein

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying. – Anonymous

The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. - Jackie Collins

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. - Paul Ehrlich

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted – Anonymous

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. - Author Unknown

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. - Lily Tomlin

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein

Constipated People Don't Give a crap. – Anonymous

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't, either. - Dick Cavett

We are all either fools or undiscovered geniuses. - Bonnie Lin

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife – Anonymous

Constant change is here to stay – Anonymous

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure – Anonymous

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. - John Peers.

If you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names. - Elbert Hubbard

If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else. - Ann Landers

A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle