She Lied

I slammed down the phone in disgust. And by "slammed", I mean I pushed the button designated for hanging up on someone. I hate these new fangled cellular telephones. The only way to angrily hang up on someone these days is to violently hurl the phone at some type of solid surface, thus shattering it into a billion fucking pieces and sending sharp pains through the eardrums of the person on the other end of the line.

I grabbed a half-gallon of Bacardi out of the cupboard and lunged towards the front door, not bothering to put on anymore clothing besides what I had on, which was a pair of tight gym shorts and a cut-off shirt that was far too short, exposing my pale gelatin-like belly, which flopped about like a bucket of molasses on a sunny day. My head was adorned with a ridiculous stocking cap that had a large horse imprinted onto the front. As I slammed the door (not bothering to lock it), I took a massive swig of rum and felt the blood rush to my temples.

The slam of the door behind me was surely enough to shake the foundation of the rickety old apartment building in which I live and I imagined a billion screaming infants in the units surrounding me, their mothers blind with panic, trying to calm their hideous spawns. I chuckled and swigged heavily on my rum. I felt the alcohol begin to course through my veins, adding much needed fuel to my rage.

I lumbered out into the street, not bothering to check for oncoming traffic. I figured a horrific car-slaying would be a welcome prospect considering the news I’d just received. Horns blared around me and cars skidded to a halt. Ignorant fools. Little did they know, I’d rather be obliterated by their steel bumpers and grinded to smithereens by their wheels and underbellies than go on living at the moment.

"Get the fuck out of the way you dumbshit!!", some ridiculous commuter shouted at me from the window of his jeep.

I halted immediately and turned towards the man. Of course, I am unable to see myself from the third person, but if I could, I’m sure my eyes would surely be blazing with fire directly from the bowels of hell.

"That was extremely poor manners on your part." I stated calmly as I strode towards the jeep. I was inwardly surprised by the serenity that shown in my voice. My hands were so steady… my head so clear…

"Shut the fuck up and get out of the road!!", the driver retorted, his face red with anger.

I said nothing, but continued towards the man. I reached his driver’s side door and opened it. (Damn fool had failed to lock his door. That’s extremely unsafe.)
I grabbed the man by the throat and squeezed his Adam’s apple as hard as I could. He squawked like a wounded pheasant and waved his arms wildly. I paid no mind to his useless cries as I squeezed tighter and tighter. I felt a snap and I saw the useless creature’s eyes roll back. I twisted furiously at the throat of the ridiculous fool and his body went limp. At that moment, I noticed that his seatbelt was unbuckled. Kindly, I buckled it for him and closed his door.

"This man was being extremely unsafe!" I shouted, warning the other drivers around me. "Be careful that you don’t end up like this poor fool!" And with that, I strode away, gulping my rum heartily and grinding my teeth.

As I walked away from the horn-blaring racket behind me, I noticed an attractive woman pushing a stroller down the street towards me. The brunette hair reminded me of the phone call I had received earlier and my blood boiled like some horrific geyser. I clenched my fists and took several large swigs of my rum.
Just as I was several feet away from the ravishing young mother, I swung the bottle at the stroller, showering the infant in booze and knocking the stroller into the crowded street.
The mother screamed and lunged after the runaway stroller, but I caught her by the face with my hand and thrust her into a shopping cart full of cans that was sitting beside the building on my left. Mother and cans went flying.

All of a sudden a man flew at me from a nearby alley. Apparently the shopping cart of cans belonged to a homeless gentleman who was lounging in the alley nearby, probably smoking crack or lending his genitals to some revolting street dweller in exchange for money.

I planted a foot squarely into the man’s testicles and simultaneously punched him directly in the face. The terrible waste of a human crumpled to the ground like a wilted flower and I violently stomped on the man’s stomach. Blood spurted from the maw of the creature. I was, however, not without remorse, as I dumped several shots of rum into the man’s face to ease his pain. Unfortunately, most of the alcohol went directly into his eyes and he screamed with agony. I was offended by his lack of gratitude and I stomped his stomach again several times. Then I spat into his face and continued on my merry way.

I soon happened upon a gas station and witnessed a well-to-do gentleman who was pumping gas into his enormous SUV, the greedy lout. Apparently the decline in this country’s resources had no effect on this gluttonous mule. I approached him and after exchanging pleasantries, proceeded to whip out a book of matches from my briefs. (I carry a book of matches taped under my scrotum at all times just in case of emergencies) I struck one and, as I walked away, flicked it in the direction of the nozzle of the pump. The truck went up in flames almost immediately and I was almost knocked from my feet as an explosion erupted behind me. Over my shoulder, I witnessed the man, engulfed in flames, waving his arms and screaming at the sky as he was barbequed to a delicious crisp.

I took hold of my half-gallon of rum and turned it to the sky as I heard sirens in the distance. I guzzled the rum like a thirsty desert dweller and finally, as I saw the surface of the liquid inches from my starving lips, I fell to my knees and the bottle fell to the ground, shattering into a million beautiful pieces and my hands were pulled behind me. I felt cold steel encapsulating my wrists and the words of the policeman were drowned out by the screaming inside of my head.
"She said she loved you."
"She said she loved only you."
"She said there was no one else."
"She lied."
"She fucking lied."