Shades

Reflection had come to Elsa a little too early in life. But then, she had aged much before her time. Unlike others her age, she seemed to have passed through a million lives and experiences, while others basked in one.

Elsa was the eldest of three. The twists of fate seemed to be born with her. Her virtuous mother struggled with the marriage initially, with her father playing 'hard to get', very conveniently. Elsa's presence seemed to make him uncomfortable. Nevertheless, her mother did not give up and knew that he would come home and accept responsibility. That's exactly what happened. This time, his home coming was for good. They worked together to ensure a success of the marriage. Mother's forgiving nature and father's new-found religion - his family, became the envy of others. Together they passed through strife and vice.

Elsa had a perfect 'mixed bag' kind of childhood. Initially, she missed out on a little, but as fame and fortune kissed the feet of her father, things changed. Sparing turned to plenty within no time. By the time she was six, Jane and Hurbert had come along too. The siblings shared a natural 'love-hate' relationship, just like others their age. Elsa continued to be a part of sharing and caring. They were more like her babies than siblings. The respect for one another was deep rooted, all thanks to mother.

Kissing sixteen didn't take long, and was in no way different than what it was for any of her other friends. She was consistently egged on by mother to excel and live the life she couldn't have due to responsibility and the three of them. But, it was not to dawn on Elsa right now. She wandered.

There were shades to be discovered and emotions and unfulfilled desire to be burned out. Where were these invisible creatures hidden? How deep rooted were they? Were they related? She wondered and gave up. She struggled first with the need to handle money. Lots of it. To be able to spend. To be able to feel independent of her family. To be able to do as she pleased. She spared no one and nothing. Elsa had turned 'kleptomaniac' even before the reality sunk in. Funnily, she was always aware of what she was doing, the 'wrong' behind the intent as well as the dire consequences, if caught. She was diseased.

Mother and father knew, and so did Jane and Hubert. No one said anything. They hid things and kept a watch, such was the silent respect she was to acknowledge and appreciate later. It was a matter of time before the phase passed. It was slow, painful, full of reprimand and painful introspective...but, it passed. The Higher Power had cradled her and wiped the slate clean. Little did she know that it passed only to usher in the next experience.

This one was to live with her forever. She fell in love and throwing all caution to the wind, she dared a marriage and childbirth. All through the nine months, Elsa knew that the man and the relationship was not meant for her. She had to move on. There was no way her baby was going to be tied down to mediocracy. He was hers and she was moving on! And, she did...only to enter yet another phase.

This one hurt. Elsa realized that she was struggling without the presence of a man and felt incomplete. She stepped from one relationship into the other without the slightest apprehension. A succor for love. She stopped at nothing. This time the combination had to be right - money to give her baby only the best and a social standing; things that were lacking the first time. But, there seemed to be no one ready or man enough to accept her as she was. If one denied the baby, then the other denied marriage. This turned into a maze of sorts. The Higher Power, once more, took charge and evaded every lurking danger there was amidst this crazy search. A treasure hunt of sorts; only there was no treasure.

Elsa struggled with relationships as she stepped into yet another phase. This one too, like her son, was to last a lifetime. Mother, rock solid and never leaving her side, once more egged her on to find stability and strength. Elsa was educated and with a little encouragement from mother, she stepped out to work. She never knew the potential she had. This was an addiction. She was a workaholic. She worked and studied and worked and took over family responsibility and worked. This felt good. She felt good about herself and in her self-worth, her boy found dignity and strength.

She had come a long way. Passing through these phases subjected her to pain, neglect, insult, torture - physical, mental and emotional, joy and envy. She learned the ways of the world and spoke with a wisdom that came from understanding. Elsa felt like eighty at forty. She felt old. She felt spent. This lifetime was ample...and God they talk about coming back again! Her life was a tribute - to her silence, acceptance of her drawbacks, her unshakable belief in a Higher Power watching over her and in the world as a 'beautiful place'. There were people to thank and whispers of immortality to be sighed and miles before she lay down to rest.

If she could turn back in time, she knew she would want nothing different. She had lived a full life. She would continue to live a full life. She had dared, doubted, loved, hated, envied, nurtured, and done everything that others would die to have a taste of. Her life may not be 'perfect' by worldly standards, but it was for her. Perfect. In full color and essence. She lived well. She had healed and felt strong. She had always lived life on her terms. What more could one ask for!

And, even as she reflected, Elsa knew that there was more....

Continued in Elsa Wants To Live.