Sentimental Chapter Two: I'm Not Very Good At This

Sentimental
Chapter Two:

I walked home silently through the park. We had yet another argument, I thought seeing her would make everything disappear. It wouldn't hurt so bad, if I didn't love her. We argued because she thinks I'm ashamed about what we are, what I am. It's not that I'm ashamed, how could I be? It's the thought of coming out, I can't do it, I can't do it to myself and I can't do it to mum. What would she think of me?

Dad is very open minded, and I know he'll love me no matter what. But mum, it would break her heart and possibly kill her; I couldn't do it to her. I dialed Rachel's number, I thought about hanging up but wanted to apologize and explain to her. I hated when we argued.

"Hello?" I called out when the dial ended. I waited but she didn't answer, I knew she was on the other end I could hear her breathing.

"Look I know you're upset. I'm upset too. It's not like I don't want everyone to know about us, about you and me. I just can't come out to everyone, I'm not like you. Your family love you no matter what, mine don't. I know I shouldn't have shouted, but it frustrates me so much, to know I love you and want to share you with the world and can't. I'm sorry." I waited for her to answer, the silence continued.
"I don't want to lie anymore, I can't do it. I just want to meet your family and friends and hang out like we were a normal couple. Is it so wrong Kay?" I could hear the hurt in her voice.

"So do I, but I can't just introduce you as my..." I paused at the thought. I loved her and I was certain of it, I just can't do it, not to her and especially not my family.
"You can't even say it! Are you ashamed of me, ashamed of us, of what we are?" she screamed down the phone at me. I didn't know what to say, I was hurt. Hurt at the fact she was right, I was ashamed. Not of her or what we are, but of me. It's my fault; I choose to be like this.

"I love you but I can't do what you want me to do right now, I can't be what you want. I love you more than anything in this world; I just don't want to hurt you anymore. I'm sorry. Maybe it's best we leave it how it is, it's not too late. I'm sorry, I love you." I fought back tears as I struggled to talk. I didn't want to end it with Rachel, of course I didn't but I couldn't bear hurting her any longer. I end the phone call. I straightened myself up; Rachel had called 23 times before I got home. I stood outside, wiped my tears and entered.

"Where have you been?" mum shouted from her bathroom. I hadn't realized I'd been out for so long, by the time I got back everyone was in bed.
"For a walk." I finally replied. I could hear mum mumbling something, as she made her way downstairs.
"You're pushing it, young lady" she wagged her finger at me.
"I'm not 4 anymore mum, I'm 16." I pointed out.
"Have you eaten?" She asks ignoring my last comment. I nod a silent no.
"I'm sorry about your friend?"
"What?"
"I'm sorry about Charlie. I didn't know what was happening. Why didn't you talk to me? What her dad was doing, was unbelievable. Come here." Mum opened her arms for a hug. I stood frozen.

"I'm going bed." I retreated and made my way upstairs. She called out for me a few times, but I found refuge in Alex's room.
"Hiding from mum again?" I laughed; it was the only time I went in his room.
"How did you guess? What you doing?"
"Finishing off some homework, where did you go today?" he asked curiously.
"Nowhere interesting, why?"
"I just thought I saw you today that are all, I knew it wasn't you." My heart flickered. I thought back to being out with Rachel. Maybe he saw us.
"Goodnight then." I left before he could answer.
Kristie was tucked under the duvet when I got into bed, I knew she wasn't sleeping it was far too early. I hugged the teddy Rachel got me, and whispered a soft "I love you". I lay awake thinking of her, of the argument. I didn't want it to end; I just didn't know how to explain anything to her in way she could understand.
"Did you speak to dad?" Kristie broke my thinking time.
"No why?"
"He contacted the school about Charlie. She's been moved out the home, and her dad got arrested. She's staying with her aunt and her cousins. Oh and guess what her mum knew all along about what he was doing, she was too scared to say anything. Could you believe it?" she stopped as she noticed the expression on my face. Kristie loved drama; even if she wasn't involved she had to know everything about everyone. I reminded her not to tell anyone at school about Charlie, no one knew yet and didn't want her to spread it around.

Rachel texted me a few times, and I responded. We argued again and again about the same things. I turned my phone of, fluffed up my pillows and decided to call it a night. I could hear Kristie under the duvet, at first I thought she was sleeping. But as I listened, I could hear her crying. I wanted to leave her and not comfort her. I wanted her to hurt, hurt just as much as I do. I wanted her to suffer, just like I have been all these years. I tried to ignore her, but that didn't last very wrong.
"What's wrong with you?" I awaited a response. I asked again, and yet she didn't answer.
I woke to find Kristie still in bed. Dad had already left fork, and Alex was at school. Mum was on the phone in the living room. I switched the kettle on and waited to make a coffee.

"When are you going to study?" Mum was standing against the kitchen sink; I worked my way around her.
"Don't know." I stirred the milk in my coffee.
"Today! And I'm not asking you I'm telling you. Kristie isn't feeling well so I won't be going into work today. You'll have to study in your dad's office."
"Sure" I watched mum's face grow angry
"Is this how it's going to be? You acting like a baby?
"I'm not being like anything; this is how you want me to be so I will." Mum's anger was apparent; I could tell she wanted to hit me.
"What do you mean by that?" she questioned liked she never knew the answer.
"Come on mum be real. Have you once let me explain what happened at school? You haven't asked me if I'm okay, you haven't even bothered with me at all. In your eyes I'm the daughter that lets you down all the time, the one that does bad again and again. And frankly I've had enough of this family. I pray to God that everyday he would take me. Just so that you could be happy. I wish I was never born, I wished I could turn back the hands of time, I wish that one day I'll make you happy and that you could find it in your heart or at least try to love me as much as you love Kristie." Tears rolled down my cheek, mum became unsteady on her feet.

"Um I have to go." She muttered as she left.
"You okay?" I could see she hadn't got enough sleep, her eyes were puffy and I could tell she had been crying.
"Not really"
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked sympathetically.
"No I don't." Kristie pulled the duvet over her eyes, I couldn't make out if she was crying or not.
"Well you know where I am, if you need me." I pulled my jumper over my head and grabbed my phone.
"Why would I want to talk to you?" she began to rant and rave. I shut the door and headed out. I arranged to meet Angelo and Martha; they were skipping class so we could hang out. I've missed them.
"Hey K!" Angelo screamed at the top of his voice. He picked me up and swung me around. We waited for Martha to catch up; by the time she got to us she was out of breath.
"Martha, I've missed you." We hugged and made our way to the club house at the back of the park.

It wasn't really a club house, we built it when we were 10 or so, and eventually over time we've developed it. Dad helped a lot, and brought most of the material. We had our own space, were we could come to catch up or escape from everything. I walked around fingering the old pictures of us when we were kids.
"Good times huh?" Martha was standing by me looking at the picture of our school trip back when we were kids.
"What's new?" Angelo dimmed the lights and put on the radio.
"Well mum's being a total bitch, dad's working, Kristie's being an arse and Alex is at school. I'm sorry to report no change." Martha laughed.
"Everyone's talking about what happened at school with you, we organized a partition to get you back early so you can play in the game." She pulled out a long list of signatures. I examined them closely, there were three sheets full.
"Guys! See that's why I love you." Martha and Angelo took bows. We chatted and listened as Angelo argued with his brother. They had a crazy relationship; it often reminded me of mine and Kristie's. She's my sister I have no choice but to love her, it doesn't mean I have to like the person she is.

"I'm thinking about coming out to mum and dad tonight, over dinner." Martha reveled to me.
"Really?" I asked puzzled.
"Well yeah, I mean it's been to long. I don't like hiding who I am. Even if it' something they may or may not accept. If they love me, they'll love the person I am." She was right, why do parents need to put a label on everything. We are in our teen years, we don't need to be justifying if we are straight or not. Love is love, what more do they want.
"Your right, I just wish I could do the same too."
"Do you know what's funny?" Angelo re-joined the conversation.
"What?" Martha asked.
"That you have 10 minutes to class? You guys better be going." I demanded. We lost track of time as always. I waved Angelo and Martha of as they raced, to get back to school in time. I sat back and looked around. It was peaceful; I listened to the radio for a while and thought about telling Rachel to meet me here. I still haven't told Angelo and Martha about Rachel. It's not that I don't want to; I don't even know why I never told them.

I arranged to meet Rachel, in our original spot. We hugged awkwardly and walked side by side, in silence.
"I'm sorry for not understanding before." She squeezes my hand.
"I'm sorry too." Rachel laughed.
"What?" I question.
"Nothing, it's just when we first meet you said you didn't do apologizes." I hit her on the arm, as we made our way up the hill.
"Do you want kids?" she asked.
"Why?"
"We've been together for ages now, just wondered."
"Yep" I smiled at the thought of Rachel and I bringing up children together, watching them get old and explaining to them that love is love, love isn't gender, race or size.
"How many would you want?" Rachel's eyes seem wider, and focused. I could tell she was thinking about something.

"Two or three, but honestly it depends how many you want to give me." I Rachel tickled me to the ground. I motioned her to come closer.
"Someone might see us." She whispered.
"I don't care anymore." Rachel laid her head on my chest. We laid like this for ages, just talking planning our lives together.

When I got back home, Alex was stuffing his face with pizza and engrossed in the television program. Before I could ask him anything he pointed to the fridge. Dad had left a note; he had to leave for an emergency case in Canada. He left us money to get something to eat, and promised to call when he got to his hotel room; mum was working late so we were all free agents. I opened the bedroom door to find Kristie, still in bed.

"Hey" I couldn't believe she was talking to me. It had been a few months since she had even acknowledge me, let alone said hi.
"Hey" I managed to reply, not knowing what her motive was. I eventually changed my clothes, and dialed Rachel's number. We talked for a while until her mum called her to help with dinner, I could tell Kristie had been listening in. I didn't attempt to hide who I was talking to; I wanted to be open with everyone. I had decided that I was going to finally come out. I don't want to hide who I am anymore.
"I love you too" I chuckled as I got off the phone.
"Do you love him?" Kirste asked, I nodded in response.
"And he loves you?"
"Yeah"

Kristie burst into tears. I sat by her in an attempt to comfort her.
"Did something happen with you and Steve?" Steve was her on and off boyfriend, for the past year.
"I'm..." she held her stomach as she screamed out "Pregnant". Her words rang in my ears, she was pregnant.
"Is it steves?" I asked trying not to upset her even more.
"I don't know." She cried endlessly, I tried to calm her down but nothing was working. I kept reminding her that mum or Alex, could walk in at any time but that didn't seem to help.

"It's Adams...we broke up three weeks ago and before we did we slept together. A few days later I slept with Steve. I know I should have taken the pill, I just didn't think. There was so much going on." I was shocked; I didn't think she could be so stupid.