Self Help Guide To Relationship Therapy

Openness within the family

When two people start to build a new relationship, start falling in love and thinking of planning their future together, they may have very different ideals and goals about what is the right way to nurture their feelings and strengthen their love.

One typical example of this which is quite commonly seen, is where one partner's family is outgoing and open while the other's is quiet and diplomatic. A case will illustrate the problems that might arise from this.

Case example

Arnold and Angela had been married fm three years, they felt they didn't have a good relationship and complained of misunderstandings which resulted in Arnold becoming withdrawn, while Angela felt angry and expressed her frustrations because he would not discuss the problems.

Her family of origin had been one in which the members were always outspoken, often in conflict with each other and usually made up any differences as soon as the problems had been aired. His parents, in contrast, never had any arguments, and felt that conflict was a very dangerous thing which might lead to divorce.

In therapy the couple worked out a system of time-limited arguments, in which they could air their differences and then bring the discussion to a close by hugging each other and reassuring the partner of their love. This helped Angela to have the open discussions that she needed, while Arnold was not overwhelmed by the anxiety they caused because they were rime-limited. In this couple, the problems were partly caused by an inability to have 'good' arguments.

Is it right to ask for help?

In some families there is a tradition that they should never show weakness, and children should not cry or ask for help. This can lead to difficulties if the other partner has been brought up to show their feelings openly and has been in the habit of receiving much sympathy. The partner from the first type of family may begin to despise the other one, and the second partner may feel unloved and uncared for.

An outside career or homemaking?

Whether to work outside the home is another area of possible conflict based on the family traditions that each partner brings to the relationship. One family may have a rule that the wife should be the homemaker, while the partner's family may believe that women should seek a career for themselves and arrange for childcare from an early stage.

This may cause difficulties, although sensible discussion between the partners will usually solve the problem. There may, however, be tension between the two sets of parents about this issue, and the couple may get conflicting advice which leads to further difficulties for them.

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