Sardines on an Airplane (Part 2)

"All passengers in rows F through J, please report to the gate for boarding. I repeat, rows F through J, boarding at this time."
I was jerked from my slumber by the annoying voice of a small Asian woman behind the counter. I couldn't have imagined a ruder awakening if I'd tried. Which I had.

I was at the airport, though I don't completely recall getting there or arriving at my terminal. I'd finished my bottle of Seagram's Whiskey in record time and then proceeded to make and drink numerous cocktails until roughly 4:30 in the morning. I then decided it would be hilarious to prank call my AA sponsor repeatedly for over an hour. After breathing into the receiver and brutally hanging up on him time after time, I finally became bored with his pleas for peace and quiet. Apparently, according to his pathetic rambling, he'd been at the hospital all night with his wife who was in labor. Silly fool. What kind of gullible buffoon did he take me for? I decided I'd harassed him enough for one night and passed out on the floor of the bathroom.
I awoke less than an hour later, grabbed my things, stuffed my carry-on with snacks, and dashed out the door, still reeking heavily of booze and wearing the same clothing I'd been wearing for two days.

I'd arrived at the airport, checked in, found my terminal, and proceeded to pass out in one of the uncomfortable chairs provided for waiting travelers.

My head throbbed and I felt as if I might violently hurl the insides of my stomach directly onto the face of the rude Asian woman. I picked up my carry-on, which happened to be a plastic Wal-Mart sack, and boarded my plane, glaring daggers at the rude announcer woman as I passed.

Unfortunately, I was given a window seat. This poses several problems for me. For one thing, due to my heavy drinking, I require frequent trips to the lavatory to empty my bladder and bowels, and having to squeeze past whatever horrible cretins are seated next to me is difficult considering many airplane passengers like to sleep while in the air, which I find highly ridiculous. Secondly, looking out the window of the airplane forces my innards to clench and churn and this inevitably causes me to involuntarily vomit. In addition, I was seated next to an emergency exit and if there was a problem mid-flight in which the emergency exit needed to be used, I didn't feel qualified to take on the responsibilities of operating it. Hopefully, the flight would go well and I wouldn't be put in that situation or else I feared that numerous people would surely die on my account.

As I sat there, pondering the inevitable demise of myself and my fellow passengers, a man seated himself in the seat next to me. He was a large, muscular man, probably no older than twenty-five. His arms were larger than my waist and he wore a snug t-shirt with the words, "Gold's Gym" across the front. He gave me a friendly smile and a nod and placed his carry-on in the overhead compartment. I frowned and returned the nod. Then I gazed back out the aircraft's window, observing the runway crew down on the ground, rushing about like a swarm of terrible cockroaches to prepare the plane for flight.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the plane rumbled to life and slowly began taxiing towards the runway. A ravishing young flight attendant sprang up in front of the cabin and began her safety speech, informing the idiots on board on how to operate a seatbelt and whatnot. When she got to the part where she explained the emergency exits, I perked up. She informed us that if we didn't feel that we were able to accept the responsibility of sitting next to an emergency exit, to let the flight crew know and they would re-seat us. I immediately stood up, slamming my head into the low ceiling above me. Wincing in pain and ignoring the laughter of the other passengers, I voiced my concern with my seat.

"I strongly feel that if I am forced to sit next to this horrible emergency exit, everyone on this craft will surely die a fiery death as we plunge from on high!" I bellowed in a powerful voice. My announcement was met with gasps from the miserable people around me.

"Sir, if you'd like, I can reseat you over here." The beautiful stewardess pointed towards an empty seat several rows in front of me. The seat was also a window seat, but it was next to a morbidly obese woman who appeared to have some type of skin rash on her face. She smiled at me and I heaved nauseously.

"Disregard my last statement, milady." I sputtered, "I suddenly feel that I am completely capable of operating this emergency door. I was just testing your readiness to reseat me if necessary." And with that, I plopped back down into my seat, my face red as a ripe cherry. The muscular gentleman beside me stifled a chuckle at my expense. I let it slide considering the ridiculous size of his arms.

"You okay there buddy?" the behemoth beside me asked, an amused look on his face.

I pretended not to hear him and gazed, once again out the window. We had begun to roll down the runway and my stomach was feeling quite upset. The man next to me apparently didn't take the hint and continued to talk to me.

"So where you headed buddy?"

I had absolutely no desire to make small talk with this person and I informed him of this by telling him that I was, in fact, deaf and a mute. Unfortunately, he saw through my lie due to the fact that I'd informed him out loud. He gave me a baffled and offended look and put on his headphones. Surely he'd think twice before attempting to engage me in conversation again. I settled back in my seat and closed my eyes. This was going to be a long flight.