Rogue Life: New
"How does a guy like you end up in a crazy house for the rich and restless? We're all going to die from drug overdoses anyway.
The cuts weren't deep enough to kill me, yet I wished I had died. These cuts underneath the mounds gauze stung like hell. I didn't remember what I had done to myself, but after being admitted to the place where they hold all the rich lunatics (including myself) I was guessing I had fucked up. And bad.
"Now, Noel, tell me again why you wanted to end your life."
"I didn't."
"Well, you have these cuts and you were drinking an ample amount of alcohol. That tells me that you have a problem and the problem is that you aren't happy with yourself. Maybe you should just tell me what is wrong," she said, placing her hand over mine on, " we can fix it together."
I looked at her and imagined she was a bottle of my favorite soda. Or alcohol. Then I began to speak.
"Let's start by saying that there is this woman, who I would have given my life for. She is breathtaking in a beautiful kind of way and she smokes. She likes to do other things too but I'll keep that to myself. Now, I loved her we were supposed to spend the holidays together. Well, she was going to go over to her parent's and then I was going to come spend the holidays with them." I said. I was aching for champagne or a cigarette or something. Something that would dull the tears that were welling up in me. I sniffled and she squeezed my hand, willing me to continue.
I sobbed. "I loved that bitch and she was in some five star hotel, fucking some jerk!" All of my words were pushed into one by my tears slammed my fist down, hard, on the table. "I swear, sometimes I just want to put a bullet through my fucking head because I know I am the reason why she ran away. Maybe it was because I wasn't good enough in bed, or hot enough .... Well whatever it was, I wasn't enough!" I began to sob again, so uncontrollably that I had to put my head down. That little stunt won me nine more days there And I was glad.
I met Lola here. She was four years younger than me and smoke and drank just as much as I did. The only difference is that I like cigarettes and she liked weed. She was an actress and had appeared many big movies and I recognized her from her highly annoying, but wisdom filled voice. And to put a cherry on top of this cake, she had read all of my books and thought I was someone with "real" talent. Unlike her.
"How does a guy like you end up in a crazy house for the rich and restless? We're all going to die from drug overdoses anyway. All of us actors and actresses. You know the public see us as lucky? What a bunch of fucking retards! I mean, I have to do drugs and sleep with old fat men to even get a part in a movie. People call me ugly on a daily basis, even though I really don't give a shit because I laugh all the way to the fucking bank!" She had yelled that at me one day while she was getting drunk in her room. Lola had kept a few bottles of Vodka and Whiskey under her bed. Just because, is what she had said. Just because.
Sometimes I'd go into her room and catch her crying and smiling while taking her prescription and drinking at the same time. When I'd try to get her to stop, she would laugh at me.
"Oh you miserable fuck! Your life is so easy. That slut left you and you go crazy. This, what you see now, is just the female version of you. You're a pussy and I hate you!!" she would scream. Yet she would flush the rest of her medicine down the toilet and push her drink to the side. But her tears were still there and she would block the door when I tried to leave.
I remember my last night there, I had come into her room, and she was wearing all red. Red flower placed in her black hair, red lipstick paired with black eye makeup, red slinky dress and ultra red and sparkly high heels. I smiled when I saw her and instead of smiling back she just walked up and kissed me. " Look, Noel, I'm the devil. A temptress." she whispered. I held my shocked expression as she wiped her red lipstick off my mouth. Then she smiled, her wonderful smile. " I guess I'm the idiot who gets trapped." I said.
She shook her head and her eyes grew sad. Lola's beautiful face turned into a frown and I wondered out of all the things that were wrong with people, why did the emotional and mental have to be the most deadly? A mind can take a person so low that they would kill themselves to be something that they perceive as perfect. At this moment, I realized I wanted to be the perfect man with the perfect woman, living a perfect life. When in reality, I was just turning into a idiot.
"You don't understand Noel. I'm not who I am. I am not the girl and woman that everyone loves. I am not the perfect "Big Screen Lola". I'm a bitch, I'm a drunk, I'm fat, a loser, a wh-" I stopped her with kiss. This one was longer, deeper. It wasn't superficial and clean, but raw and sloppy. There was no control and civility, but hair grabbing and spit, touching and moaning. As I kissed her, Lola's hand slid down my chest and tugged at my pants. I smiled inside as our clothes pooled around our legs on the floor. I lifted her up and carried her to the bed, where we made love. It wasn't like it was with Delores. Not all sounds and thought, I was actually there in Lola's presence. But a comparison wasn't needed. This was new, someone new who I could identify with. I looked down at her face. Her brow glistened with sweat and her black rimmed eyes were closed tight, teeth pressing into her bottom lip. I buried my face into her neck and enjoyed our time together.
The next morning I withdrew and took Lola with me. We left this place and went out into the gray winter day hand in hand. Nothing could ruin this day. That is, until I came face to face with that asshole and Delores. Life just wouldn't leave me the fuck alone.
"Now, Noel, tell me again why you wanted to end your life."
"I didn't."
"Well, you have these cuts and you were drinking an ample amount of alcohol. That tells me that you have a problem and the problem is that you aren't happy with yourself. Maybe you should just tell me what is wrong," she said, placing her hand over mine on, " we can fix it together."
I looked at her and imagined she was a bottle of my favorite soda. Or alcohol. Then I began to speak.
"Let's start by saying that there is this woman, who I would have given my life for. She is breathtaking in a beautiful kind of way and she smokes. She likes to do other things too but I'll keep that to myself. Now, I loved her we were supposed to spend the holidays together. Well, she was going to go over to her parent's and then I was going to come spend the holidays with them." I said. I was aching for champagne or a cigarette or something. Something that would dull the tears that were welling up in me. I sniffled and she squeezed my hand, willing me to continue.
I sobbed. "I loved that bitch and she was in some five star hotel, fucking some jerk!" All of my words were pushed into one by my tears slammed my fist down, hard, on the table. "I swear, sometimes I just want to put a bullet through my fucking head because I know I am the reason why she ran away. Maybe it was because I wasn't good enough in bed, or hot enough .... Well whatever it was, I wasn't enough!" I began to sob again, so uncontrollably that I had to put my head down. That little stunt won me nine more days there And I was glad.
I met Lola here. She was four years younger than me and smoke and drank just as much as I did. The only difference is that I like cigarettes and she liked weed. She was an actress and had appeared many big movies and I recognized her from her highly annoying, but wisdom filled voice. And to put a cherry on top of this cake, she had read all of my books and thought I was someone with "real" talent. Unlike her.
"How does a guy like you end up in a crazy house for the rich and restless? We're all going to die from drug overdoses anyway. All of us actors and actresses. You know the public see us as lucky? What a bunch of fucking retards! I mean, I have to do drugs and sleep with old fat men to even get a part in a movie. People call me ugly on a daily basis, even though I really don't give a shit because I laugh all the way to the fucking bank!" She had yelled that at me one day while she was getting drunk in her room. Lola had kept a few bottles of Vodka and Whiskey under her bed. Just because, is what she had said. Just because.
Sometimes I'd go into her room and catch her crying and smiling while taking her prescription and drinking at the same time. When I'd try to get her to stop, she would laugh at me.
"Oh you miserable fuck! Your life is so easy. That slut left you and you go crazy. This, what you see now, is just the female version of you. You're a pussy and I hate you!!" she would scream. Yet she would flush the rest of her medicine down the toilet and push her drink to the side. But her tears were still there and she would block the door when I tried to leave.
I remember my last night there, I had come into her room, and she was wearing all red. Red flower placed in her black hair, red lipstick paired with black eye makeup, red slinky dress and ultra red and sparkly high heels. I smiled when I saw her and instead of smiling back she just walked up and kissed me. " Look, Noel, I'm the devil. A temptress." she whispered. I held my shocked expression as she wiped her red lipstick off my mouth. Then she smiled, her wonderful smile. " I guess I'm the idiot who gets trapped." I said.
She shook her head and her eyes grew sad. Lola's beautiful face turned into a frown and I wondered out of all the things that were wrong with people, why did the emotional and mental have to be the most deadly? A mind can take a person so low that they would kill themselves to be something that they perceive as perfect. At this moment, I realized I wanted to be the perfect man with the perfect woman, living a perfect life. When in reality, I was just turning into a idiot.
"You don't understand Noel. I'm not who I am. I am not the girl and woman that everyone loves. I am not the perfect "Big Screen Lola". I'm a bitch, I'm a drunk, I'm fat, a loser, a wh-" I stopped her with kiss. This one was longer, deeper. It wasn't superficial and clean, but raw and sloppy. There was no control and civility, but hair grabbing and spit, touching and moaning. As I kissed her, Lola's hand slid down my chest and tugged at my pants. I smiled inside as our clothes pooled around our legs on the floor. I lifted her up and carried her to the bed, where we made love. It wasn't like it was with Delores. Not all sounds and thought, I was actually there in Lola's presence. But a comparison wasn't needed. This was new, someone new who I could identify with. I looked down at her face. Her brow glistened with sweat and her black rimmed eyes were closed tight, teeth pressing into her bottom lip. I buried my face into her neck and enjoyed our time together.
The next morning I withdrew and took Lola with me. We left this place and went out into the gray winter day hand in hand. Nothing could ruin this day. That is, until I came face to face with that asshole and Delores. Life just wouldn't leave me the fuck alone.
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