Roger Goodell Proclaims "NFL Bigger Than Jesus"
This is obvious satire. Please don't sue me (I don't have much and if you'll just have a football season next year you won't need my money anyway)
Roger Goodell proclaims "NFL Bigger Than Jesus"
By Ian McClellan
Reuters
New York, N.Y.- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell angered religious organizations around the globe this week when, after Nielsen ratings revealed Super Bowl XLV to be the most watched broadcast in television history, he stated "Clearly, at this point, the NFL is bigger than Jesus."
After his comments drew fire from every Christian church in the United States that anyone pays any attention to (let's face it- there are a lot of hippies and weirdoes out there with their own churches, but no one cares what they think) Goodell released a statement defending his remarks. "I just don't see what all the uproar is about. I didn't say that we were better than Jesus, just more popular. There are religious broadcasts every day and none of them have even broken into Nielsen's top ten, but we've got four of the top five. I think that sends a pretty clear message."
Not everyone sees it that way, however. In an interview with Bill O'Reilly Catholic League president Bill Donohue, looking even redder and grumpier then usual, argued that it was less about ratings and more about dollars. "Goodell's crazy. No one has earning power like The Big Guy. Yeah, he's got a decent operation going, but look at his overhead. When he can bust up that union and start paying his employees with cheap apartments and young boys, then we'll start comparing apples to apples." He then retired to his apartment at Fox Studios and got hammered on Jamison's whiskey.
Goodell's response- "We're working on it."
Donahue was almost friendly in his assessment compared to his superiors in the church. When told about the commissioner's statement, Pope Benedict XVI was quoted "Zees es en outrage! Ve shall crush dee NFL! Zen ve vill cuncur major league baseball! Zen zee national..." and was abruptly gagged and hauled away by Vatican PR men before he could appear any more insane and hostile then he already did.
Jerry Falwell was unreachable for comment, as there are, apparently, no phones in hell.
Lastly, for some reason Paul McCartney was asked to weigh in on the situation. He laughed and shook his head at the reporter, but gave no statement.
By Ian McClellan
Reuters
New York, N.Y.- NFL commissioner Roger Goodell angered religious organizations around the globe this week when, after Nielsen ratings revealed Super Bowl XLV to be the most watched broadcast in television history, he stated "Clearly, at this point, the NFL is bigger than Jesus."
After his comments drew fire from every Christian church in the United States that anyone pays any attention to (let's face it- there are a lot of hippies and weirdoes out there with their own churches, but no one cares what they think) Goodell released a statement defending his remarks. "I just don't see what all the uproar is about. I didn't say that we were better than Jesus, just more popular. There are religious broadcasts every day and none of them have even broken into Nielsen's top ten, but we've got four of the top five. I think that sends a pretty clear message."
Not everyone sees it that way, however. In an interview with Bill O'Reilly Catholic League president Bill Donohue, looking even redder and grumpier then usual, argued that it was less about ratings and more about dollars. "Goodell's crazy. No one has earning power like The Big Guy. Yeah, he's got a decent operation going, but look at his overhead. When he can bust up that union and start paying his employees with cheap apartments and young boys, then we'll start comparing apples to apples." He then retired to his apartment at Fox Studios and got hammered on Jamison's whiskey.
Goodell's response- "We're working on it."
Donahue was almost friendly in his assessment compared to his superiors in the church. When told about the commissioner's statement, Pope Benedict XVI was quoted "Zees es en outrage! Ve shall crush dee NFL! Zen ve vill cuncur major league baseball! Zen zee national..." and was abruptly gagged and hauled away by Vatican PR men before he could appear any more insane and hostile then he already did.
Jerry Falwell was unreachable for comment, as there are, apparently, no phones in hell.
Lastly, for some reason Paul McCartney was asked to weigh in on the situation. He laughed and shook his head at the reporter, but gave no statement.
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