Relationship Issues

Sometimes, especially when a day or a week has been particularly stressful, and memories surface when they shouldn't, I'm tempted to wish that relationships, or at least the ones I've been in, didn't exist. The thing about memories, is that they can surface in the least opportune moments, when your guard is down, when you're tired and when life is throwing you too many curve balls for you to even want to try keeping up. And then a single trigger can set in motion a slide show of past events - of happy times, of smiles and laughter, stolen moments and snapshots of an era gone by, all the things that come before relationship issues set in and the glow seems to dim and the polish begins to tarnish. Do I seem cynical? Bitter perhaps? Sorry, that isn't my intention. Relationship issues needn't signal the end of a relationship, really. They arise, in everyday situations, in everyday places, in the lives of ordinary people like you and me. Well, certainly like me. Take a look at some typical relationship issues that crop up, listed below.

I write this from a female point of view, well aware that for the most part, this will seem baffling for men. Why we are the way we are, why we think the way we do - well, that's how we're wired. And if we can deal with the fact that men are genetically unable to ask for directions, pay for the services of electricians, and tend to form deeper relationships than normal with inanimate objects like cars, then turnabout's fair play. The eternal differences that separate male from female are mirrored in the way we approach relationships - and generally, it's these differences that can give rise to relationship issues, well for the most part anyway.

Trust Issues
This one's a bit of a deal breaker. Trust is intrinsically linked in my mind with insecurity, and insecurity is a way of life with many of us women. We worry about the way we look, the way we dress, the way we come across - I kid you not, constantly. You could have a face like Helen of Troy, the body of Venus De Milo and the mind of Madam Curie, and there'd still be room left over for insecurity. And relationship insecurity is inevitably linked with trust. How? With security comes confidence, in yourself, and in your significant other, and with insecurity - well you can do the math. The strange thing about trust is you don't really think about it, until it breaks. It's there, just like a silent non entity that rears its ugly head when it's threatened. And the messy part is, once broken, rebuilding trust in a relationship is terribly, terribly difficult a task to do, and the cracks run very deep. Trust is also strangely intertwined with jealousy. If you've ever been in a relationship with an over possessive other half, you'll know what I mean. Suddenly, every chance conversation becomes something sinister and every other male above the age of 13, a threat. Jealousy festers, resentment builds, and the cracks begin to widen.

Abusive Relationships
What makes a person agree to stay in a relationship where they're treated badly? Is it lack of courage, lack of esteem? When you look at abusive relationships from the safety of your protected world, you may be tempted to discount the women in them as weak, spineless, cowardly. Why not get out, you may ask - who in their right mind would tolerate domestic violence, stay in what only qualifies as a downward spiral of desperation and despair? I've known two women who've battled through abusive relationships, but stayed in them beyond the first warning signs of violence, convinced that the partner was sorry, that it wouldn't happen again, really, ever. Neither is even close to weak, spineless or lacking courage. They're smart, pretty, attractive and bright. But sometimes, even intelligence can fail you when your emotions are tangled up, when a relationship becomes a habit, and the loneliness to follow, too difficult to contemplate. So you plod on, forgiving, over and over, not realizing that your acquiescence is almost an invitation for abuse. Abuse need not be physical. In my view any intentional hurt, humiliation or disrespect qualifies as abuse - if a guy treats you badly, don't wait around, get out.

Bad Relationships
There's something about relationships in general, that makes you blind to reality. Faults that are clear as crystal, in retrospect, are glossed over in the heat of the moment. Years later, you may wonder at the insanity and the foolishness, and hopefully be able to look back with fondness at the folly of youth. Troubled relationships will run the gamut of brilliant, unhappy, mediocre and unbearable with increasing regularity, except the brilliance will fade, and the mediocrity will make way for just plain simple misery. It isn't always anyone's fault per se. I for instance, feel that long distance relationships should be illegal. Seriously. They give you all the disadvantages of being part of a couple and none of the advantages. Having failed myself, makes me a firm believer that there's only one inevitable end to all things long distance - a break up. Sometimes, you just aren't meant to be together, recognize this, (the sooner the better) and move on. Don't wait around for the other shoe to drop. Here's some more on bad relationships.

Commitment Phobia
There's something about settling down, with just the one woman, that sends most men running for the hills, screaming. And it can strike at the strangest points. You could be talking about taking the proverbial big step, or just about anything that hints at exclusivity, and suddenly there's something incredibly important that comes up - the phone stops ringing, and the dates dry up. Then there's the extra special sort, that commits, and then reneges. They'll even go through the motions of planning, and then up and run when the dates get nearer. These are the ones who are either confused as hell, messed up in the head, or just rotten to the core. I've got no bones to pick with guys who are upfront about their commitment phobia - that evens the score, so you know what you're getting into. It's the other ones - the ones who promise you the moon and the stars, and then cut and run. If he's uncomfortable about the future, unwilling to tell the world about your relationship, or 'living in the moment' I wish you luck. You're going to need it. Why do they do this? Search me. Maybe these will help shed some light.

Relationship Communication Issues
Women talk, yes we do. We talk about emotions and feelings with a freedom that strikes terror in the male heart. We're emotive creatures, most of us, and we're good with expression, it comes naturally. So when it comes to talking things out, we're all ready with cookies and milk. I grant you that sometimes, it can be taxing - I'm the quiet sort myself, and unnecessary discussion rarely leads to a solution. However as the male, you may the victim of comparison - let me explain. Women talk, to each other about their respective relationships. They talk to each other about problems, existent, non existent, potential, and improbable. So don't expect to understand the logic. Communication is also important so that partners are on the same page, so that expectations are known and surprises, are of the pleasant kind. You may be in it for the long haul, and you may want your gestures to speak for themselves. But a word of advice for the uninitiated - gestures are great, we love them, we do. But just to be sure, say the words as well, would you?

Relationship Issues During Pregnancy
This is a bit tricky. Most of us women grow up with stars in our eyes about the perfect guy, the perfect wedding, and the perfect family in the perfect house. While there needs to be legislation to amend that, in the meantime, many of us are left heartbroken when the knight in shining armor, turns out to be a loser in aluminum foil. You may be lucky enough to have a partner who's as excited about becoming a father, and yes there are many people like that. However, the flip side, is a little alarming. As your baby grows, your body changes, and the magical experience of becoming a mother takes turns with the mortal fear of labor, hormones act up, food develops a split personality and well, life changes. Did you know that studies have revealed that close to 80% of men cheat on their wives while they're pregnant? It's heartbreaking, and it's unfair, just as infidelity always is. Extra-marital affairs are some of the most debilitating issues that can cause the demise of a relationship, and they should be.

Relationship issues aren't insurmountable. And experience, sadly, is the best tutor. I don't know why people expect you to learn from other people's mistakes, it's never going to happen. I think you're up for some serious back patting if you learn from your own mistakes. And since I'm dishing out advice, here's the last bit. Give it all you've got. Love with all your heart, and don't be afraid of heartache. And if you can figure it out, tell me how.