Rediscovering Who You Are After a Divorce

Going through a divorce can shake all the nuts and bolts of you loose. Ask me how I know? Been there and done that. I had made the decision to marry out of the best decision-making capabilities I had going at that time. Of course, unseen by me, that decision-making capability was changing and becoming more refined. I wasn’t aware of it at the time, however. At that time, I felt terrible about myself and my life.

So when the howling monsters of divorce plopped into my lap one day, I thought I’d been wiped out. I knew my mistake was public, unintelligent and obvious – everyone could see what a mistake I’d made. There was no way to hide. And everyone had questions: why this and why that? It was so challenging to keep myself moving forward throughout the day and field these questions simultaneously. My parents, family and relatives all wanted explanations.

And I had two young daughters to consider also. I wanted them to continue to love their mother without infecting them with my current opinions of her. I had their questions to answer. I had their welfare to consider. We three needed a new place to live and new furniture in that place. I was on overload and the feelings were so uncomfortable. I knew I wasn’t good enough.

Is it obvious that I did not feel ultra-successful in the beginning of my divorce? I0’m fairly confident you are feeling pretty much the same as I did way back then. Today, I am a successful attorney. I have found my soul-mate. I live in a wonderful home. My children have graduated from college and are well on their way to successful lives themselves. So how did I get from the pain of the early days to the great feelings of success that I have about myself today?

Questions. I asked myself tons of questions and I kept asking the question of myself under I came up with an answer that satisfied ME. And then there were those dad-blamed (pun intended) questions of my parents, family and relatives. As I look back on it, those questions (so hard to answer and handle at the time) actually became the source of great satisfaction as I worked to answer them.

Are you good at asking questions of yourself? Do you have a family who has lots of questions? Let me share some of my questions with you. I know that in the process of coming up with answers, you will once again feel good about yourself.

Why did this happen to me? How will I ever face (fill in the blank name) again? What will my parents say? How can I tell my kids this is going to happen to them too? Will my feelings of alienation from my ex ever disappear? Am I so bad he/she doesn’t want to be with me anymore? Is this my fault alone? What have I done to make this happen? Why did I pick this louse for a spouse?

Where the heck am I going to live? How can I do all this work by myself? Have I taken the kids into enough consideration in my planning for the future? Do I have an attorney who is looking out for mine and the kids best interests? Why do I keep wanting to punish my ex? Is there a better way to channel my anger than (x whatever you’re doing now – obsessing, raging, etc.)?

Do I have a Parenting Plan in development? Can I find out information about it on the internet? Am I going to earn enough money to support myself and the kids? If not, what can I do to improve that? Who do I trust enough to have my best interests at heart to be on my support team? Is therapy what I need right now? What if my parents object to my decisions?

Okay. That’s enough to keep you busy for a long, long time. Once you figure out the answers to these questions, you will no longer think you’re some kind of loser. You’ll see your own true colors and they’ll be shining.