Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage

The one you loved and promised your life to, has betrayed you. So what do you do now? You can either stay and try to mend the marriage or leave. If you decide to stay, you need to accept that people make mistakes, and find a way to trust your partner again. Sustaining a marriage is hard enough, betrayal makes it more difficult. The foundation of marriage (or any relationship) consists of trust, honor and commitment, which are broken down when one partner betrays the other.

An affair can put a marriage in crises, and a couple in agony. Rebuilding trust in a marital relationship that has witnessed an extramarital affair, is possible, but it is a painful, difficult and takes a good amount of time. One has to go through denial, shock, anger, rage, depression, despair and confusion before they are able to accept the situation, and then forgive.

If you've decided to give your marriage another go, there are a few bits of information you that will help you rebuild trust. Many couples, who find the 'affair' too hard to deal with, try to smooth it over and move on, pretending that it never happened. While understandable, this approach is terrible, and leaves one with a sham marriage. Understand that it is often time and distance that will help heal the relationship, so don't try to rush the process.

How to Rebuild Trust in a Marriage

Communicate: Easier said than done, but a crucial part of the recovery process. Here we are specifically referring to discussing the affair. Answer your spouse's questions about the affair, and don't try to hide any details. Even if it seems like the same question over and over again, or that the affair is obsessively being discussed, continue to answer these question, which will taper off after a while. As this is the first step to rebuilding trust, make sure that you do not lie about or omit any facts.

Be Sorry: You need to accept the damage you have caused your partner and feel truly sorry for it, otherwise there is no point in trying to rebuild your marriage. You also need to emphasis how sorry you are for the deep pain that you have caused your spouse. You may have to constantly apologize, but if you want your marriage to work, then you'll do it.

Be Answerable: Another hard step, but now that your partner knows that you are sorry, you also need to prove your commitment. You will have to constantly let your spouse know where you are and what you are doing, as well as allow him/her to check cell phone calls and text messages, phone records, credit card slips, pockets, purses, personal email accounts and the websites that have been visited. You must also take concrete steps in other areas, such as household responsibilities (or any other sore points), to show your desire to please your spouse.

Find the Reason: Whatever the root cause of the affair, you need to get to find out what it is to prevent it from recurring. Most people concede that affairs are not about sex, but usually stem from neglect. If one partner feels lonely, or unloved, he/she may search for love and appreciation outside the marriage. Other reasons for infidelity are insecurity, boredom in the marriage or feeling disconnected from a spouse.

Apart from these steps for rebuilding trust, you need to be careful not to blame your partner for the affair. While you may reason that you were unhappy or angry and resentful, so you cheated, but the right course of action would have been to either have sorted it out with your spouse, or to have gotten a divorce. Instead of placing blame, both partners now need to be brutally honest with themselves and each other. You and your spouse may both need to change, give up old unhealthy habits and behavior, try to better people and also establish a better, deeper relationship. Now is a good time to define boundaries and expectations anew.

Rebuilding trust is a slow and difficult process, and there will be times when either partner wants to give up. Be patient, and don't expect anger and resentment to go away quickly, for the heart takes time to heal. The relationship you will have after the incident may be quite different from what it first was. Redefine you marriage, keeping in mind the good times you've shared.