Ready or Not, Here I Come

One thing I had figured out already was that I was chosen specifically to be a guinea pig for life itself. God has chosen to throw the worst events possible to me, just to see how long it takes for me to end things in total. This was just a theory...but it makes sense, at least to me. Of course the things I am made to do, I do not mean to do on purpose. I do not mean what I do. Is that clear?? I do not mean it. My mother says I’m not all there in the head. I just say I’m normal just not appreciated of all the things I go through. Nobody understands what I am going through, nobody gets that I’m not depressed because I don't love myself...I'm depressed because nobody gets anything.

Not even the therapists' that I’m forced to see because I "May be a threat to society" not even my parents who tell me over and over again that family is there to help. I've tried everything to get them to see how much I am suffering and how much I just want to get away from everything and stay in paradise. Do they understand what I am going through? No of course not they send me to a psycho ward for people who need the help to not kill themselves. If they understood like they say they do, then they wouldn’t make me suffer even more. I'm sorry I’m getting ahead of myself let me start from the beginning for you.

It takes two to tango that the saying that I use for my parents. It takes two to create the worst daughter ever created. Yes I blame them. Not me. Now I must tell you that I do not say this because I believe I am a bad person. Because I know that I am not. I just am unfortunate, so unfortunate people think of me as a bad person. I was born 16 years ago, as cute blonde with green eyes. Everyone adored me, I mean everyone. When I turned 10 I started noticing things. Like the way my dad drank so much he started talking too much and then looking at me weird, or how about this touching me in places I realized was wrong.

But being only 10 I didn't have any clue what this meant. I just knew that it wasn’t my daddy doing these things. It was a drunken stranger taking over my dad’s body. I got used to his routines that he had. After one drink he was fine, three he stuttered around his words, five began the funny looks that made me uncomfortable and then soon he drank more and more. Nobody seemed to realize anything except for me. Later at night when I was supposed to be sleeping I would see him come into my room and sit next to me. He would whisper things like "Oh my little princess" "Oh look how beautiful she’s getting." Then he would lift my shirt and touch me in places that I didn’t want to be showing.

And if you want more detail, I’m sorry I cannot give it to you. Sharing my story just has to be told but it’s hard to do. Yes I know what you may be thinking, "If she’s so scared for herself, why isn’t she telling someone or saying anything to him??" I will answer that for you. It's not that easy. Remember I was only 10. I was a confused little girl too scared to stop him, afraid for him and afraid that he will hurt me even more. I knew that my sober daddy would never hurt me but drunken daddy likes to get action from little 10 year olds...sick now isn’t it. I had a drunken dad who has made my life hell. Let me warn you this story is just a beginning. If you can’t take it, stop reading now. Relax it's just Marissa, the bad girl who cannot get hurt....Well news flash I’m the most broken girl there is.