PRIDE
Had depression. It helped to write out how I felt.
The words drop from my ears down to my stomach, like knives it cuts me up inside. Inside I am tortured outside I have to smile. It is important nobody knows my pain. To show it would be my downfall. Who would listen to me without judging me. Then once more the people closest to me say "I am proud of you". AHHH nails on a chalkboard, blinding me with sound. I pray my skin should not turn blue to show my mood. How can I hide myself any further. The brick wall I built up is my greatest defense and weakness.
My internal cries for help reverberate off the stone. Yet my mouth never makes a sound. I am destroying myself by turning positive to negative. When I get a complement my twisted mind replays it until I am sick. I do this for the inevitable failure that I try not to fight. I drop my sights from achievement, it has no effect anymore. Proud! PROUD! PROUD! My ears are burning. Teachers, Friends, Family, it won't stop, I am not proud I am afraid. wait something I cannot quite understand, college and accomplishment now my stomach sinks into the basement, why would I do this to myself. Success is hurting me why am I not motivated. Before, my life was a failure, now, this small ray of hope makes me so afraid of failure, before I had nothing to compare it to.
Now my grades come in, I hide them. I cannot take anymore pride. I still have no pride in myself. Failure around every corner, I cannot do anything about it. Why do I deny myself the beauty of being happy. I am sabotaging myself. I try but with little success, to ignore my feelings and I build a wall from my heart to separate it from my mind. My heart breaks out and is running wild I have ignored it too long now it has left me. Broken down I crawl for help but I am weak I cannot show my friends. My family cannot know I am frightened. I am a wreak my life cannot seem so dark my failure overlooks accomplishments. If only I could see in myself what others see. But I know the true me, and my lost calls of distress haunt me. Now I wait, the walls I have built to protect me will fall and crush me. All I can do is wait and maybe I will born again. Without my curse.
My internal cries for help reverberate off the stone. Yet my mouth never makes a sound. I am destroying myself by turning positive to negative. When I get a complement my twisted mind replays it until I am sick. I do this for the inevitable failure that I try not to fight. I drop my sights from achievement, it has no effect anymore. Proud! PROUD! PROUD! My ears are burning. Teachers, Friends, Family, it won't stop, I am not proud I am afraid. wait something I cannot quite understand, college and accomplishment now my stomach sinks into the basement, why would I do this to myself. Success is hurting me why am I not motivated. Before, my life was a failure, now, this small ray of hope makes me so afraid of failure, before I had nothing to compare it to.
Now my grades come in, I hide them. I cannot take anymore pride. I still have no pride in myself. Failure around every corner, I cannot do anything about it. Why do I deny myself the beauty of being happy. I am sabotaging myself. I try but with little success, to ignore my feelings and I build a wall from my heart to separate it from my mind. My heart breaks out and is running wild I have ignored it too long now it has left me. Broken down I crawl for help but I am weak I cannot show my friends. My family cannot know I am frightened. I am a wreak my life cannot seem so dark my failure overlooks accomplishments. If only I could see in myself what others see. But I know the true me, and my lost calls of distress haunt me. Now I wait, the walls I have built to protect me will fall and crush me. All I can do is wait and maybe I will born again. Without my curse.
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