Positive Romancing

I tried an experiment with my first two kids when they were little because I was tired of saying "No" all day long. I felt like every question they asked me had to be answered in a negative.

"Can I have a cookie?" "No, you haven’t eaten your lunch yet"
"Can we go outside and play?" "No, we have to clean up the toys now."
"Can I drive the car?" "No, you are too little."
"Can you help me with this puzzle?" "No, I have to feed the baby and fold the laundry."

So for one day, I tried to answer everything they asked me in a positive way.
"Can I have a cookie?" "YES, as soon as you are finished with your lunch!"
"Can we go outside and play?" "YES, right after we pick up these toys!"
"Can I drive the car?" "YES, when you have a driver’s license!"
"Can you help me with this puzzle?" "YES, do you want to help me feed the baby and fold these things so we can get started?"

This was a simple change that made a big difference in my relationship with my kids. Funny how it also made an impact on my husband! As I got better at responding in a positive way to my babies, I found I could do the same thing with my spouse.

When he asked me, "Can you please get my watch fixed for me?" I could respond, "Yes, I will be near the jeweler on Tuesday, I can take it in then." (Instead of, "Are you kidding? I’m not driving all the way down there today!") or "Can you iron my shirt?"

"Sure, I’m helping Penelope with her homework, but if you’ll help her finish, I can do that right now." (Instead of, "No! Can’t you see I’m helping Penelope with her fractions?")
or

"I want to show you something, can you come here?" "Absolutely, let me just finish getting this roast into the crock pot." Instead of "Hello, I’m up to my elbows in raw meat here!")

Of course, there are some questions that there is just no way around a "NO". I have found however, that they are the exception. I refer to this little epiphany as
"Answer with a YES"

From that experience, I noticed that thinking up positive responses was like a seed I had planted and had begun to grow. I started looking for other ways to respond positively to my family, and I found another one! I call this one…
"State what you want instead of what you don’t want"

Everybody knows that if you tell someone to NOT think about something, then it’s hard to get that something out of their head. (Don’t think of a pink elephant) When you say, "Don’t slam the door", the picture in your head is the door slamming. State it in the positive – "Shut the door gently", and the picture in your head changes. This works great with everyone from your kids, to your spouse, to your mother-in-law.
Instead of : Try saying:

"Stop kicking the table leg", "Keep your feet still while you sit at the table."
"I hate it when you park there" "Could you please park here?"
"Don’t pile your stuff there" "I made a place for your keys and wallet here"

You will find that pausing for a few seconds before responding can actually be a good thing. Searching for that positive response is great brain exercise and becomes easier with time. Again, it’s like something that’s growing slowly and developing.

The last one I call:

"I am a Goddess, I am silent about my flaws."

This does not mean that you shouldn’t admit when you are wrong, (men actually find that very sexy), this applies to how your husband perceives you vs. how you perceive yourself. Sadly, many of my girlfriends habitually point out to their husbands what they think of as their flaws. You know what I mean… "My butt is so big." "I might be pretty if I didn’t have this ugly nose." "My hair always looks stringy no matter what I do.", "These thighs might have been fashionable in the Renaissance, but they’re just gross today!"

Think about it, do we really want our husbands to agree with us? Of course not. So let’s all take some advice from Thumper’s Mom in the classic Disney film, "Bambi" and (repeat after me)…"If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing’ at all." This includes things we say about ourselves. I would be heartbroken if my husband got so accustomed to hearing me complain about myself that he someday actually agreed with me… "Yeah, now that you mention it, I DO see some cottage cheese!"
So instead of de-valuing ourselves, let’s keep quiet about things that we may not think are our best traits. Focus instead on things that are positive. Everyone has beauty. Appreciate the beauty that is in you, and when he says, "Wow you look great!" Don’t argue with him, just say "Thank you."

One last thing. After I passed my 20th wedding anniversary, I was whining to a friend that my butt does not look at all like it’s supposed to. She told me that her mother had told her, (and her mother before had told her), that husbands tend to remember us how we looked when they married us. When they think about us, that is the picture they have in their mind. When they are kissing us, that is the woman they are making love to. Therefore, it is foolish for us to try to change his mind by pointing out that we are flawed and less attractive than we once were. Truly, why would I mess with that memory?

So girls, remember those three things.

"Answer with a YES"

"State what you want instead of what you don’t want"

"I am a Goddess, I am silent about my flaws."

Give it a shot and try out just one of these suggestions for a 24-hour period. After it starts to come naturally, add the next step in. I promise that this becomes something that grows and almost has a life of it’s own! You will find yourself responding positively in situations that you never thought you would. And in this current economic situation, we can use some positive thinking!

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