Please Read, I Need Your Help and Advice on This!

Does love exist at all? Does love exist?! My parents and family say yes, but I feel that I need more of an answer….

All these questions are going through my head, but I can’t ask anyone because I can’t word it the way that sounds right! My heart beats in my chest, but I feel dead in a way beyond me…. I can’t describe the feeling for the life of me, it is so indescribable, but yet it is so common. The feeling of emptiness. My parents say it’s because god isn’t in my heart. But I can’t bring my self to believe he is there. He just doesn’t seem real to me, as far believing IN him. I believe there IS a god, but I don’t believe in him. I guess you could call me agnostic, but whatever.

Then there is LOVE. Four letters, but they give me hell like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I don’t believe in love passed friendship and family, I’ve seen to much hurt and am broken beyond repair. I have a friend, I love him to DEATH, but he is asking to much of me….I don’t know though, he has helped me so much, I might be being….. Selfish? Rude? Mean? I don’t know the word I’m looking for, but those words might be what I’m being…. He is the best of the best, but he has problems like all of us. He is violent and easily offended, but you can NOT blame him, people call him names, apparently freak is their favorite name for him, but I don’t know why they call him that! They ARE freaks for calling him that, they don’t know him….

I remember when we first talked, we hated each other for a while, and called each other mean names, and I regret doing so…. He was a complete stranger to me and I was mean to him, he was mean to me also, but I am used to it. But in a way I DON’T regret it, because if that didn’t happen, we wouldn’t be as good as friends as we are. But then I also wish we were complete strangers…. He said certain things to me, and now it’s sorta awkward…..oh how I wish I didn’t feel this way! And I don’t know what he meant, what he said was like some long forgotten language, but I heard it loud and clear. It was clear as crystal what he said, but it was as unclear as the thickest of fog. Now I am confused and am sadly trying to ignore him…sorta, I can’t bring myself to ignore him though, he’s my safe haven in a way, he makes me feel better and reassures me when I’m not sure! He is the best friend I could ask for….but you know it’s not all that good…I know him from ONLINE, I met him through iMesh…you may think that’s a bit…I don’t know desperate? But I don’t regret getting on there and talking to him, he’s the friend that I never thought I would have, but he’s the reason my worst nightmare happened.

So yes you now know that I have ONE great friend, and if he left or I did, and never talked to him again, trust me I’d be in hell. He is that important to me. He knows me so well, but he doesn’t know me. He doesn’t know the basics. He knows the ‘intimate’ things about me, and I am the same way. We only know the ‘intimate’ things about each other, but we don’t know each others favorite colors or anything simple like that. You may say that "Oh he’s some old perverted old man that is going to find your weakness, convince you to meet him and do what he wants with you…", but trust me, I know he isn’t that. How do I know? Simple, I feel it, sense it, KNOW it. My parents say that I don’t and he could be a pedophile, but I tell them he’s not and he’s a kid like me, but they don’t believe it. I wish they did….or that I had proof, like maybe I met him, but I don’t, and I haven’t….but trust me, I know he is a kid, my age, maybe a few months older. I don’t want to feel emptier than I do now, and if I NEVER EVER talk to him again I will feel emptier, and I’m not gonna let that happen to me AGAIN. I hope that one day I do meet him, and I can prove to my parents that what I say is true, but till then all I can do is tell them he is, with them not listening….