Peregrination (Part 20)

We arrived back at the hotel an hour or so later. We stayed late enough that most of the people at the air show had already left, leaving traffic to a minimum. Our supper was really enjoyable. We ate at the restaurant inside the hotel, which was fantastic. Our meal was delicious, and our conversations were even better. Most of the meal was spent guessing what Noah had planned. He refused to tell us, but I assumed it involved going to some fancy bar. At least I had a new dress that I bought a few days ago, and I was hoping to impress Noah with it. I was going to look my best for Noah tonight, it's going to be an evening I will never forget.

Noah said he had a few things to do before we could leave for our final destination. Our only order was to get dressed up in our best clothes. I couldn't wait to see where he was taking us. Sam and Ben went to their rooms to get ready, and Noah stopped me before I could go to my room. He touched his hand to my cheek, and I put my hand on his. Our fingers intertwined, and before I could say anything he kissed me. It felt amazing to just be there with him, let alone kiss him. I pulled away, and stared into his mysteriously colored eyes. Noah told me he has never felt this way about someone before. This really touched me. We never got a chance to talk about how we feel, and this was a start. The start of something amazing. I responded with 'neither', and I pulled him in for one more kiss.

Before leaving, Noah told me that he had something special for me before we left for our secret destination. He gave me that usual mischievous grin, and I just laughed at his secretive behavior. Noah said he would come get me once he was ready, and gave me a long hug before I left. My heart raced in excitement. I had no idea what this evening had in store, but I was pretty damn excited to find out. I basically skipped on my way to my room. I was feeling so happy. I sang along to music while I got dressed into my new, strapless, deep red dress. I put on more black eyeliner, and a bit of light pink lipstick. I fixed my hair up a bit since the wind blew a few pieces out of place. After all my preparations were complete, I walked over to the full length mirror in my black heels. I was proud of my transformation. I have dressed up other nights, but something about this night was different. There was a different vibe to me. My smile was bigger, and my eyes were full of emotion. I felt good on the inside, and the outside, and I couldn't wait for Noah to see.

I got a knock on my door. My heart started racing. Noah must have finished his final preparations, and was ready for the evening ahead. He said he had the rest of the night planned, and I couldn't wait to see what was in store. I opened the door in anticipation. All of our feelings were out there. I know how he feels about me, and he knows how I feel about him. I don't really know where we are going with all of this, but I just know it feels right. I couldn't be happier in my life right now. As I opened the door, it wasn't Noah who was standing there. A shorter male, with dark hair stood there. He had a police uniform on, and greeted me as I opened the door. He asked to come in, and then took a seat. I didn't know what was going on. So many thoughts were going through my mind, was I in trouble? We had done a lot of incredibly stupid things on this trip, most of which were quite fun, but I didn't think any of them were enough to have the cops come.

The police officer told me to sit down. I slowly sat down on the chair across from him. He confirmed my identity, and proceeded to tell me why he was here. I couldn't move. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream, I couldn't breathe. I sat there with no expression on my face. Nothing. Then it all hit me. The pain flushed through my veins, and took over. I don't even want to repeat what he said. I felt the tears fall from my eyes. His hand gently patted my shoulder. He had told me that Noah had gotten into an accident. He was riding in a taxi when the vehicle got hit by a truck. I don't know where he was going, or what he was doing. I had no answers to my many questions. The police officer never specified whether it was the taxi driver's fault, or the fault of the truck driver, but it didn't matter. I didn't even want to think what happened. The truck driver came out of the crash with a few broken bones, but neither the taxi driver, or Noah had made it.

I don't even remember the police officer leaving. I just sat there with tears streaming down my face. I clutched my hair as hard as I could to take the pain away. Why was this happening? Why now? Why him? I still couldn't fully comprehend what happened. My mind was unwilling to believe this was all real. Everything was finally going right. Everything was finally how I imagined it to be, and everything was ruined. I was lost for words. Nothing I said or would change the fact that Noah is gone. Nothing was ever going to bring him back to me, and that thought hurt more than words can even describe.

Ben and Sam came to my room. None of us said a word. We couldn't even say anything to each other. There was nothing to say. Nothing any of us could say would change things. We just sat there in complete silence for a long time. I gave both Ben and Sam a hug before they left to go back to their rooms. They said we should all probably get some sleep. None of us wanted to talk about this, and I was perfectly fine with that. I'm not ready to talk about it with them, it wouldn't only hurt more.

I don't remember getting any sleep. I just sat on the chair in a daze. Memories of him kept coming through my mind. All I could imagine was Noah laughing. Most likely reacting to one of our odd jokes. I couldn't decide whether the image of him in my head made me feel worse, or better. Everything was so fresh, there was no way to tell. I still expected him to come knock on my door, and come spend time with me. All I wanted to do was laugh at his jokes. I just wanted to make him smile. I wanted to see his face again. I wanted to spend time with him. I was just starting to get to know the person he really is. He was just starting to learn who I am. I was finally letting someone in, and it was all just taken from me. I just wanted him to come back.

The hardest day of this week was going to his room, and gathering his belongings. Ben, Sam, and I decided it would be best if we all did it together. We all needed each other, and as much as it hurt being with them, since it was always us four, we still needed to handle this together. The four of us always acted as a team, and we need to keep doing that. Seeing them brought back so many memories of Noah. Just being around them in general brought back images of Noah. This wasn't easy, and I don't think it ever will be.

When we went to his room, everything was very neat, and tidy. Most of his belongings were still in his suitcase, except for a few shirts that were laid out on the bed. There was a blue dress shirt, and black dress pants sitting on top of his bed. More tears came falling down my face. I knew that he had picked out what he was wearing to the special night he had planned. I never got to find out what he had in store for us. Ben and Sam could see my pain, and agony. They both pulled me in for a hug, telling me they understood completely without having to say any words. Ben finally spoke, 'I know how hard it must be for you, you and Noah had something special, I saw the way he looked at you.' This was touching, and hard to hear at the same time. We all felt horrible, and we really needed each other to get through this.

Sam grabbed a box that was sitting on the table beside the bed. He examined it for a moment, and then handed it to me. I opened it, and inside was the necklace I had spotted in the market a few days ago. I had only briefly mentioned my fondness towards it, but somehow Noah seemed to remember perfectly. Underneath the gold necklace was a small piece of paper. Written on the paper was 'I love you.' I fell alongside the bed, and gripped the note closer to me. I sat there holding my knees in close to me, trying to make myself feel better. Ben, and Sam came down, and sat beside me. They both comforted me, but all I wanted to feel right now was the touch of Noah's hand.

It's been a few months since Noah passed away. I rarely talk about it, but it is constantly on my mind. The funeral was heart breaking. It finally made me realize he was gone. We had flown back to his hometown, which was where he was living. I never lived in the same city as Noah. He has lived with Ben and Sam before, and I have lived in the same city as Sam. We've known each other a long time, and never have lost touch. I saw him occasionally, but nothing more than a few days every year. Even though we never saw each other often, we've always been in touch. Whether it was through emails or phone calls. Our lives were all so hectic at the time before our trip. I had just gotten my first major job after finishing school. They were all settling into new jobs also. We took this trip because we decided it was the start of seeing each other more frequently. Every few months we were going to go to each other's city, and spend a weekend or so together. It was something we all wanted, because we were all better off together.

I'll be completely honest. I still am kept awake envisioning the crash. Some nights I don't sleep at all. The thought of him still hurts a hell of a lot, but sometimes it feels nice to think about him. I know I'm getting better. I don't cry as much as I used to, and I'm finally starting to feel happy again. I know this is what Noah would want for me. During the trip, Noah has taught me to just live life. He told me to cherish every moment in life, even when something bad does happen. He has made me grown into a stronger, and better person. I took risks when I was with him, and I just had fun. Noah would never want me to stop doing those things even when he is gone. He would want me to live life to its fullest, no matter how hard it may seem. I even signed up for those flying lessons I promised him I would take.

I've dealt with this feeling a bit before. Grievance has five stages; denial, bargaining, depression, anger, and acceptance. All of those feelings all mingle together after you have lost someone you love. Every year after seeing him, I would start feeling these things. I would miss him, and it was basically like losing someone you love. He was never completely gone from my life, but sometimes it felt like it. I now fully feel all of that. Some days I get so angry or sad, that I don't know what to do with myself. Noah means the world to me, and I will never say he meant the world to me. He still means everything to me. He is still the only person that can make me smile in an instant, no matter what the situation is. Some of the memories of him I spend hours laughing at. We had some crazy adventures. I never will have him back, but I'll have the memories we have together. I don't know what the future has in store for me, but I know this trip taught me a lot. I learned that I'm very content on my own, but we all are better off with someone. Being with someone you really care about is more special than any trip, amount of money, or success. Being with this person makes you feel good about who you are, and what you stand for. They bring out the best in you, and you can bring out the best in them. I wouldn't redo anything that happened in this trip.

This trip is better referred as a journey. I admit, there were a few moments on this trip where I wasn't completely happy. The moments I was angry, upset, or jealous, were the moments I learned the most. I learned to stand up for myself. I learned to fight for something, no matter what it takes. I also learned one last valuable lesson. Even if you can only spend a short amount of time with something you love, cherish those times you have with them. Life is full of bad things that happen, but spending this trip with Noah is enough to keep me going for the rest of my life. I was so bloody happy on the trip, and I will continue to be happy. You may have a loved one pass away, but you will never lose them. They will always be with you no matter what.