Oxymoron: Having a Short Long-Term Relationship

Words are my life! I adore words such as serendipity, plethora, and dearth. I use them in conversations and I go giddy when I see them in print. As a retired literacy specialist, I recall the days when I made a respectable living by teaching children and adults to use our language correctly and creatively. I especially encouraged the use of colorful words. Why say that something or someone is "nice" when magnificent, gorgeous, heavenly, etc., could elevate your piece of writing to a more literate level, not to mention produce a higher grade from your teacher. A good vocabulary is a sign of achieving more than just a minimal education. In my present status as a peppy senior seeking a prince for a LTR (long term relationship) implying exclusive dating, my past training has paid off in many ways.

After a lot of time spent in the dating world as a result of visiting my two favorite internet dating sites, I encountered more potential datees in addition to some authentic duds. The word "frugal" comes to mind very often because I find that many of my potential squires are very economical. They never met a coupon they didn't like. One of my dates took me to Sweet Tomatoes on the very first date and was not shy about using his coupons. For those unfamiliar with the establishment, it is a salad buffet beyond compare and there are free refills on the soups and desserts. Basically, this establishment is glutton heaven. My date proceeded to have five cups of soup, all of them different, after consuming two plates overflowing with salad. Obviously, his pot belly needed stoking. Adding to his appeal, while he drove a late model luxury gas guzzler and intimated that he was financially secure, he made no apologies and even suggested a walk on the beach in lieu of lunch, even though the rain was pouring down. Lunch was to be a substitute for a game of tennis and then we planned on going to a movie afterwards. Of course, after he spent so much time eating, we missed the start of the movie. We then drove back to our respective homes. End of a "perfect" gluttonous and frugal date. Foolishly, I consented to other dates with Mr. Tomatoes and they were also dictated by his budgetary restrictions. I am not a gold digger, but puh-leeze, be a sport! A free movie at your clubhouse? Mr. Tomatoes talked a great deal about his lack of success with the dating scene. Small wonder! And talk about not following your own advice.

Then there are the guys who recently broke up with their significant others. Red flag! They date you, but their hearts are longing for a reconciliation with their exes. They even go so far as to participate in "couples counseling." This is not marriage counseling but a new phenomenon. Usually, I am told, three or four breakups occur, but they continuously go back to a failing, unfulfilling relationship for security and some claptrap about "the devil you know, etc." So, they date you several times, and lead you to believe that you could be the one, and suddenly with no warning... no more calls. You are left wondering what you did wrong and in addition, you are consumed by a feeling of low self-esteem. Suddenly, Mr. Wonderful is no longer on the internet dating sites and doesn't show up at singles groups. Somehow, the word gets out that Mr. Wonderful is indeed back with his ex and extremely happy once again, until the next big blowup, which is destined to occur. My first question these days therefore is something like, "When did you break up with your girlfriend?" No point in wasting time. Put faith in your natural instincts and intuition.

Be sure, moreover, you place full faith and credit in your innate ability to assess character. Stick to your guns and take no prisoners. If a guy sends up signals in the form of red flags, don't plow through hoping they will go away because they just don't. I know what I'm talking about because I made my mistakes due to my extreme neediness and a desire for a meaningful relationship. Hal is a case in point. I first met him on JDate and after e-mailing back and forth, we finally spoke on the phone. We discovered we had a lot in common: backgrounds, age, and a passion for football. Hal still worked but despite his business deadlines, we arranged a coffee date. He was far from my ideal but I agreed to a dinner date with him for the following week.

After thinking about it, I realized that while there was some basis for a relationship, our differences were too great and I felt that we would both be wasting our time and so I canceled the date. I am a very active person and Hal is a couch potato minus. I felt very guilty about it and often thought of the wonderful conversations and the laughs we shared on the telephone. So I called him to invite him to share my free movie passes one Sunday about six weeks later. He agreed to go only if we could have some dinner afterwards. He arrived thirty minutes late, which is a no-no in the dating world and the entire experience was a big disappointment mainly because Hal was grumpy and preoccupied with a family matter.

Actually, he was depressed and negative about everything in his life and was more than willing to share these disappointments with me. He was overbearing, moody and just plain obnoxious. He was critical of my outfit and my hair which I thought was totally appropriate and attractive. I drove home after dinner, and while in my car on the way back I was thinking, "What is this all about?" "What do I need this for?" I'm the one who should feel depressed after such a date! He later called to try to do "damage control," his favorite expression, and I then realized that my initial instincts were correct and I should have followed them. Hal said words to the effect that the next move was mine.

Did I take my own advice? Of course not! The red flags often looked green to me. After some months had passed and I was more into the dating scene. I foolishly contacted Hal again because I thought about him as a person of quality and intelligence after all, capable of deep feelings. And he was very lonely. I remembered our overly long and intense conversations, and wanted to re-connect and try again now that I had more experience. And so I called him and we began to date more intensively and we spent about two months in a more or less monogamous dating situation. During that time, I noticed or rather chose to ignore the red flags that were again flapping in front of my eyes.

His relationship with his grown professional children was practically nonexistent and even hostile on their parts. He whined incessantly about their lack of concern for him and the fact that they rarely called. When they came to visit, they spent the minimum amount of time with him and did so at best, just as a courtesy. His insistence that he was satisfied with the way he was and unwilling to learn new things was another disappointment. He constantly repeated stories about his previous two marriages and other relationships that were boring me to distraction, to say the least. He was past-oriented while I was present and future-oriented. He lived in a place that was marginal, (really a dump) and was planning on moving some day. But frankly, I didn't think he ever would. It was mortgage-free and cleaning out the mess in order to sell and pack up, would take the services of an arsonist. But using words, my forte, in an abrasive tone to me when I only wanted to help him, was the proverbial last straw.

During one of our recent telephone conversations, actually our last, Hal raised his voice to me in temper over a matter about his health, that he knew he had to address, and somehow was unable or unwilling to deal with effectively. It was frustration on his part, but he dumped the problem in my lap and I didn't want to contend with verbal outbursts or potentially self-induced serious health issues. I decided to end the relationship and I knew that this time, I would absolutely not return because he was not right for me. Above all, he derided me constantly for using multi-syllabic words. I needed someone who was more secure, not depressing, and certainly had enough self-esteem to care about his living accommodations, appearance, and health.

In other words, Hals of this world, use the gym at your condo and stop whining. You know that French fries have more calories than yogurt. So, this was the end of a short long-term relationship. It was my turn to do the damage control thing by ending it again instead of prolonging the inevitable. This time, I really, really meant it! There will be no couples counseling, for sure. So, words which are so important to me, used in a verbally abusive way, was the cause of the breakup.

Thanks to JDate, Match, and serendipity, I met a wonderful, handsome, exciting man who meets most, if not all, of my ideals. He is upbeat, adventurous, intelligent, health-conscious, athletic, and a mensch. As a bonus, he is a professional writer and appreciates words of more than one syllable. Bob is my man for now and maybe for that LTR that I am seeking.

Ladies, there is a plethora of worthy gentlemen out there. Make yourself available, take a risk, look out for the red flags, and don't be the moron part of the oxymoron. Go for it!!