Our Terror Son

My son is a terror! His complete disregard for our family finances, his lack of understanding when faced with upset shop owners and his inability to appreciate an organized lifestyle have led his mother and I up the proverbial wall.

Somewhere in the UK recently a child managed to divorce his parents. This sounds like a completely nutty thing that the Americans would do (and something that the equally balmy British would do in suitable copycat style) but when I read that article I wondered if it is then possible to divorce your child! I think the child managed to divorce his parents on the grounds of complete incompatibility or some such nonsense; maybe the same grounds would apply to my son and I!

It has always been my habit to save small coins, save the pennies to make the pounds being my motto here! My wife does the same and so it came to pass that we bought for our son a large savings box in the shape of a postman! We showed and taught him to place into the slot any coins that he found (or was given) and to resist the often overwhelming temptation that he seemed to suffer from to remove the bottom and pour the contents down the toilet. One fine day we noticed that the postman was looking rather saggy as if a large weight had been placed on his shoulders and upon further investigation realized that the savings box was in-fact as full as it was ever going to get!

This was an exciting day for my wife and I! After months of hard teaching and rigorously enforcing the law that he should wave the money box in front of all visitors in the house until they handed over some dosh, we had reached the best bit of all, the reckoning! Taking our son away from the toilet roll, which now lead from the bedroom to the sitting room, around the kitchen table and out of the window we sat him down at the table and pointed at the base of the money box!

Upon our insistence that he remove the bottom plug he burst into tears, he waggled his little finger back and forth (his usual gesture when trying to say "it wasn't me") and basically refused to do what we asked. As this was a special occasion, naturally once the money box was empty and the contents safely under the security of the banking system the plug would not be removed for another few months, we did it ourselves and emptied the contents onto the table for counting!

I'm not sure what we expected to fall out, although my son seemed happier at the sight of so many items that to him had probably been eaten by the postman forever! I got back the fridge magnets whose disappearing act I had blamed on a friend of my wife who I have no time for! My wife found some buttons, previously finger-pointed towards the washing machine, she also found 22 hair clips, a used lottery ticket, loads of egg shells and what might have been half a tube of sour cream and onion Pringles. There were a few coins amongst the strangely sweet-smelling bits and bobs; some old German ones, a handful of Singapore dollars, a couple of tokens from a one arm bandit and after much searching we ended up with $1.10 in useful change.

My son had saved over twelve months less than 10cents a month - hardly worth going to the bank to deposit and it did not even cover the initial investment we had placed in the postman savings box. Where all the money had gone, that which he had extracted from grandmother and relatives over the year we knew not, down the toilet, out of the window?

It is hard to accept such defeat! I could see in my wife's eyes a deep sorrow, a sadness that no amount of returned hairclips or previously thought of as lost buttons was going to dampen. As a team we had nurtured the idea of making our son responsible for his finances, we had hoped that he would rapidly progress to take charge of his future by investing wisely, the start of which was to be a savings scheme that had no borders or conditions attached. We had felt over the last year that the world would be our son's oyster but now the rug had been dragged out from under our feet!

Another year has passed us by! Our son is older and is still the terror of the district! The postman savings box has been relegated to a dust gathering corner and we no longer have the will power or energy to start all over again. He giggled in our faces, he laughed at us, played with us like a toy and when he was bored of the game he spat us out like an unexpected fish bone!

Is it really possible to divorce your child?

We have not got as far as considering divorcing our child just yet! It's his birthday tomorrow and we have bought him a set of tools, even down to the electric drill which is better than mine and from this we hope that he will gain a liking and possibly a career based upon the solid foundation of mechanics of engineering! As my wife, in a resurging fit of optimism said "he may not be able to save for his future but at least he will have a job to fall back on"! I love my wife, her glass is mostly half full.

Anyway, our sons first birthday is tomorrow; he also took his first step today so at least we have his continuing good health to be thankful for!