Our National Pastime: Taking Dreams Away from Small Children

In this season of out of control gas and food prices, contentious election year primaries, and a war that is sapping our nation's resources (including human) for no discernible reason, it's good to know that certain American traditions remain unshaken. I'm speaking, of course, of Major League Baseball's decision to revoke Little Leaguers' right to use a professional ball club's name. It was an important decision, made in the kids' best interest, and that should be explained to them. So here we go.

Kids, you have to learn responsibility. You have to understand that you can make believe all you want, as long as your fantasies don't violate copyright law. You have to know that calling your teams the "Phillies" or the "Yankees" is trademark infringement. And that's just like stealing. When you play as a "Tiger" or an "Indian," you dilute the value of those names by making them less exclusive. It's a basic law of supply and demand, kids. You make a product more appealing if only a limited number of people have the money or the right to use that product. One day, when you're a stockholder, you'll understand.

There are other important lessons to be learned, and it's better you learn them now rather than later.

First, your childhood doesn't matter. In fact, childhood is only important insofar as it can be marketed and sold as a product. Your experiences in playing baseball don't really belong to you, because you didn't pay for them. Someone else did, and so they're theirs.

Second, stop your crying. Did I say that you had no recourse in this campaign to limit your fantasy life? No, I did not.

Do you want Major League Baseball to pay attention to you? Do you want them to stop being so mean? Okay, here's what you do. Make sure that Mommy and Daddy and all your friends never go to a major league game again. Make sure kids and their parents all across the country never go to a major league game again. But that's not all. Make sure all your friends and their parents never watch major league baseball on TV, either.

Want to know a little secret, kids? If you stop going to the ball parks and stop watching baseball on TV, you're going to hear from all those mean people in Major League Baseball. Know what they're going to say? They're going to say they've "reconsidered" their decision not to let Little Leaguers name their teams after those of professional ball clubs. "Reconsidered" is a grown up word. It means "Ow, ow okay, Uncle!"

Believe me, when it's all over, you'll be a "Yankee" or a "Tiger" or a "Dodger" just like you were before. But something will be different. You will have learned that you do have power, if you exercise it and organize it properly. You will have learned to say, "Don't tread on my childhood, Corporate America, 'cause I'll hit you where it hurts, and I know where you hurt."

You'll have lost a little more faith in this world, the adults who populate it, and your place in it. But that's a small price to pay for this kind of political savvy, isn't it, kids?

Now get to bed. And keep the lights out, I mean it this time. Get right to sleep. You've got boycotting tomorrow.

Donald Gallinger is the author of The Master Planets.