Ode to My Outdoor Lamp Post

I’m a porch sitter by nature. It doesn’t matter what time of the year it is, or how cold it gets, nothing clears my head more than just sitting outside on the porch, with a good book, looking at the sky & the clouds. Morning, evening, or night, it’s a fun hobby for me to be involved in. Being a porch sitter, I tend to worry less about indoor furniture like an accent lamp or bedroom vanity, but I do care greatly about my outdoor furniture such as my outdoor lamp post.

A proper outdoor lamp post is a thing of beauty. It inspires the mind with its grace. An outdoor lamp post is not discriminating in nature, but allows its light to illuminate every person’s path that walks beneath it. Whether they be short or tall, homely or lithe, bald or full-headed, those that require glasses or those that can clearly view objects without assistance, the outdoor lamp post shines its glorious light down on them all.

My outdoor lamp post is made from black iron, and stands 10 feet tall with 5 different lamp boxes radiating out from 5 central arms, with a six lamp box rising above the rest. The iron has been specially treated to prevent corrosion, including a special link from a wire to a nickel battery to ensure that the only oxidation that occurs happens to the nickel, and not to my precious iron outdoor lamp post.

Whenever I have a party people always remark on it, and how good it makes them feel. "Why sir!" they exclaim, "This outdoor lamp post of yours is of exceptional quality! Just looking at it gives me a feeling of peace & inner tranquility that I have not felt since before I was forced by my mother to leave my home and attend preschool at the Blessed Academy of St. Jehosephat. I laud your choice of outdoor lighting materials…" And on they blather, about my outdoor lamp post, composing soliloquies, sonnets, & haikus of such beauty that they would cause the Queen of England to marry a common lavatory attendant.

And people stroll around the party gazing at it in admiration. "Please tell us where you purchased your outdoor lamp post" they plead. "We must have one!" they beg. "Please…we’ll give you money just to tell us who created it."

"I’m sorry," I concede, "But the craftsman who was capable of making such a thing has passed on. He created this outdoor lamp post and the others merely for the sheer joy of creating things of beauty. When he saw my yard he insisted on giving me a lamp post. ‘Please sir, let me give you an outdoor lamp post,’ he said to me. ‘I’ll concede, but only if you feel you must,’ I replied. ‘I feel I must, I’ve never had a greater desire in all my life. If I do not satisfy this desire, my outdoor lamp post making talent will surely wither from lack of practice.’ And so I obtained my lamp post.

"The following week, the newspaper had a whole section devoted to lamp post making. In it was an article that took up the whole front page, with the picture of my mysterious lamp post craftsman on the front. The article was mourning his loss, for he was the greatest outdoor lamp post craftsman in the world."

And all the people at my party express dismay at his loss. But then they gaze upon my outdoor lamp post once more, and hope & joy return to their life.