Nikki and Juanita

December 2016

Dear Juanita

I don’t know why I am putting these thoughts on paper but I have carried this particular burden for the last twenty years and I have a selfish need to unburden myself. I have no desire, however, to hurt you and so I write knowing you will never read this. We have been best friends since forever and though you always said I never could keep a secret from you, I hope you will forgive me or at least try to understand why I have kept this one.

It always amazed me that you and I became friends and stayed friends. We came from different worlds – you were a bit of tomboy from the rural areas, an orphan dependant on charity and I was the ‘poor little rich girl’. Yet when we got together there was no difference between the two of us. We use to get dirty together and then return home to a scolding from my mother. I remember the time we stole cigarettes from the shop and tried smoking them. Boy, was my brother mad when he found us, but you took the blame and he promised not to tell my parents. I think that sealed our friendship. You were always so bold, so willing to give off yourself, despite having lost your parents. I was always the scared cat, not willing to take a risk with my feelings, with anything. Others always easily hurt me and you were always there to protect me. I remember the time in high school when you hit David because he made me cry. The poor guy did not know what hit him. He had only told me that he did not like me and I had been upset and without asking what had happened you walked up to David and slapped him in front of the whole class. From that day I never doubted the depth of your feelings for me and I can tell you honestly that those feeling were fully shared. You may doubt it after you hear this tale but whatever I did I did to ensure your happiness.

As I sit and write all this, the memories of the times we have shared flood me and I wonder whether telling you my secret, writing it down, is such a good idea. It is a secret that may tear us apart but I can’t help myself. If I don’t tell someone it will tear me apart and if I can’t tell my best friend who can I tell…Today I met your daughter for the first time and it reminded me of a child that was never born. A child I had wanted but could never have because it would have destroyed too many lives.

I know I hurt you by making a life as far away from you as I could but being near you would have hurt you so much more because I, who have always gotten what I wanted without even asking, coveted what I could never have. Even though we were continents apart I always carried you with me every time I moved on to greener pastures - God bless technology. Every time you conveyed news to me about your blossoming family my heart filled with joy because it felt like my family was growing. I know you have always wondered why I never got married and had a family of my own, especially since I have always talked about wanting a family with a house and the picket fence. What I dreamt of you got and what you dreamed about I got. You got the family, the house and the 2.5 kids. I got the joy of roaming the world and writing about my adventures.

Life is funny when you stop and think about it but I never did stop long enough. You always wanted to know what I was running away from. Well, I was running away from you because if I stayed I would have been tempted to tell you the sordid truth and I wanted to be a martyr. Strange isn’t the scared cat willing to sacrifice herself because she was too afraid to fight for what she wanted. What I wanted was your husband!!

There I have said it and it feels good to finally have it out in the open. You know Rahul and I met before I introduced you to him. What I never told you was that I had known him for about four months before you met him and that I was crazy about him. You and I were on campus together and there was not a day we spent apart so you are wondering how did I meet Rahul before you. It was during our second year, the month of October. You had left campus early and I decided to do something on my own. I went to watch a play at Square Theatre and I ended up sitting next to Rahul. It was a funny play and by the end of it Rahul and I were rolling in our seats with merriment. We introduced ourselves and I was in love. He was so handsome, sweet and caring with the greatest sense of humor. After that first meeting, we were both enchanted with each other and he and I use to meet often as we found out that his parents and mine were friends. You remember all those parties I suddenly starting going to with my parents. Well, it was only to meet Rahul, to spend time with him and to fall deeper in love with him.

I know you are thinking: "But you never once told me. We spent hours together and you never even mentioned his name. Why?" I don’t quite know the answer to that myself. If I had things would be so much different or maybe not, I don’t know. All I do know is that at the time I was afraid to tell you in case it didn’t work out. I know I have always been frank with you about my myriad boyfriends, none of who were serious, but with Rahul it was different and I was afraid. I wanted to hug my love for him to myself, I wanted to be the focus of his attentions and I wanted him to know me, just me. Not me and you together, just me. I know the last statement is unfair since I am the one who always wanted to include you in everything I did. I was always the one calling and asking you to join me even when you insisted I should learn to do things on my own. But for the first time I wanted to do something on my own, I wanted Rahul to know me, not as someone a part of you, but as me. It was my own fault that I never allowed myself to grow. You were always ahead of me and I just followed your lead because it was comfortable and easy.

Well, I thought Rahul and I were destined for each other. Maybe I should have checked with Rahul but all I could see was my love for him. It blinded me to everything else. Don’t get me wrong. Rahul was not completely uninterested. He found me attractive and fun to be with. We were both interested in the arts, philosophy and law. We thoroughly enjoyed each others company so much so that after two months of attending parties we were ready to be alone. More to the point, I wanted his full attention so during our third month, December, together I started sneaking out of the house to meet him. He was an unwilling accomplice to my sneaking and, therefore, he always behaved like a gentleman. That is not to say that we did not enjoy each other but he always knew when to stop, that is until that one day in January, January 14 to be exact, a month after my 20th birthday. He had come home to visit me without realizing that my parents were not at home. If he had known what was going to happen I doubt he would have come. Once there, however, I insisted he stay for awhile, claiming I did not want to be alone in our big house.

He and I watched a movie, Casablanca, the one you and I had hired and which I had not returned. Since I had already seen the movie, I snuggled up against Rahul and pretty soon I was fast asleep. After the movie, Rahul watched as I slept not wanting to disturb me but knowing he should not stay. As he tried to extract himself, I clung to him so that we became more entangled. As much as this hurts to write I know it must be ten times worse to read and I am sorry but I can’t seem to stop myself. It seems I have opened the floodgates and nothing short of death will close them. What happened next is a mystery to me and I’m not sure I can explain it all that clearly. Apparently though I was fast asleep my hands started to rove over Rahul’s body and I started to kiss him. At first he tried to stop me and it was at this point that I opened my eyes in a bit of a daze. I wasn’t quite sure what was happening but I did not want it to stop. For a minute we just sat and stared at each other, me in a sleepy daze and he uncertain of the correct thing to do. I think that was our fatal mistake because it allowed our hormones to take over where we might have stopped. I think that minute allowed the attraction to explode as I read things into his eyes that were not there. I don’t know what he saw in my eyes but it seemed to remove the uncertainty. Perhaps it was, in a way, inevitable that our hormones would get the better of us. Rahul and I had spent a lot of time together making out but always in his car or at a park or the beach so we always managed to control ourselves. This time, however, we were alone at home and we had the whole night. My parents had gone for a party and would only come home in the early part of the morning. Just as I pulled Rahul down, he made one last attempt to stop me and tell me something but it was too late as I stopped him with a kiss that demonstrated all the pent up passion and frustration of four months in close proximity with the man I loved. Whatever it was he wanted to tell me was forgotten.

I don’t want to discuss the details, as I am sure you do not want to read them but suffice to say, it did not stop there. I am sad to say, however, that come morning Rahul regretted it. He left sometime during the night, leaving me a note to say that he would come to see me again. I guess I should be thankful he did not write he was sorry. Unfortunately, it did not stop him from saying it a few days later: "I’m really sorry, Nikkita. I had not meant for that to happen. I care about but you have to understand that I am leaving in two months time."

In my mind two words stuck out ‘care’ and ‘leaving’. Too afraid to confront him on the first I jumped at the second out of desperation, knowing I also did not want to hear this. However, I did ask: "Leaving?"

"I’ve been meaning to tell you that I am going to Britain to complete my studies in a weeks time. I have been offered a bursary to study at Oxford University."

I was stunned. He and I had just spent a beautiful evening together and even though I initiated it, he could have stopped and told me this news of his. I know he had tried to tell me that night but he had not tried very hard as far as I could see.

"Why didn’t you tell me this earlier, Rahul? Why?"

"I tried Nikkita but you were so insistent and I …"

For awhile we just stared at each other, me with longing and love shining in my eyes and he with pity. It was at this point that you walked in and told me your news: "Nikki, I got it. I got the bursary. Guess where I will be come next week?"

Not only was the man I loved going but so was my best friend and she was going away with him. Both of you got a bursary to go and study in Britain (I never even knew you or for that matter that he had applied – it seems I was not the only one keeping secrets) but I could not show how unhappy I was. Instead I introduced you to him but I never really noticed the way your eyes lit up but he did. At the time I was dying inside but I could not let you see it and I certainly could not tell him for it dawned on me that he did not love me. I had given him my heart and soul, not to mention my virginity, and he did not love me. If, however, I told him that I loved him, actually put it in words I know he would have felt terrible and he may even have felt obligated to do something about it. If I had had any brains I would have realized this sooner. All the signs were there. He cared about me but he had not lost his heart and he had tried to tell me but I was just not willing to listen. He had not wanted to hurt me and he was not in love with anyone so he thought he could learn to love me. In the months we had spent together he had not been able to come to love me. Thus, he must have been counting his blessings when the bursary came up because he could leave without breaking our friendship because that is the light in which he saw me. Sure, he was attracted to me but he was not in love with me. I don’t know what was lacking but apparently whatever it was I did not have it …and you did.

Rahul was not a cad, however. Before he left he told me that if I was pregnant I should let him know and then we could decide what was to be done. I promised him I would let him know and I asked him: "When are you coming back?"

"In a years time, that is December 1996"

Hating myself for asking but not being able to prevent myself I said: "Rahul, is there a chance that you and I could…"

I got no further. The look on his face said far more clearly and eloquently then anything else that there was no chance for us. He did not want to raise my hopes but that had not stopped him in the past. He wanted us to be friends and I agreed, holding out hope anyway.

You wondered why I did not come to say goodbye to you at the airport. But perhaps after reading this far you are no longer concerned with such trivialities but they concern me. I did not come because I could not bear to say goodbye to you or him, knowing that the two of you will be spending time together. I never, however, imagined that you and he would hit it off so well. I think I was not the only one surprised. Rahul was too and he tried to fight the temptation, at least that’s the message I got from your letters. You, however, were rather persistent and I, after reading your letters, would feel a murderous rage. I was jealous as hell that you were with him and envied you because he was falling in love with you. Without, even speaking to him I knew he was falling in love with you and feeling guilty because of me. I wonder if I had told you about Rahul and me what you would have done but I guess there is no point in wondering. I did not tell you – my decision not to, based on what I don’t know. I think I would have told you if you had been with me but you were so far away and then you started writing about the time you spent with Rahul and I sensed he had captured you too.

Initially, I wanted to tell you out of spite because if I could not have Rahul then I did not want you to have him, either. It just hurt too much to think about the two of you together but after I spoke to Rahul I realized that he really cared – no he loved you. As much as I wanted to hate him and you, I could not. I loved him but there is no way to describe the way I felt about you. Every time I thought about the two of you together and felt betrayed I would remember the times you and I spent together. The time we were in a car accident and blood was flowing from your wound, not mine and yet you were more concerned about me. I also remembered the last time we liked the same guy and you gave him up for me, even though it did not work out. You were a constant in my life and I knew you were not trying to deliberately hurt me, in fact, I am sure if I had told you about Rahul and myself you would have once again sacrificed your happiness for mine. However, I went so far to write you a letter:

Dear Jen

I don’t know how to tell you this except by being blunt. Rahul and I slept together on the 14th of January. It was not planned and it just sort of happened. The thing is he does not love me but I love him. I really do. If he asked me to marry him, to follow him to the end of the world I would. If you asked me to give him up …..

That was as far as I got with the letter, which I still carry around with me. I wondered if you would have asked me to give him up and I realized that you would not ask. You would sacrifice yourself, instead. I could not let you do that and I knew that it would not have helped because Rahul loved you and if he was forced to marry me he would hate me. Thus, three people would have been miserable, not just one.

It was at this time, March 1996 – three months after you and Rahul left – that I faced I had lost him and I also faced the legacy of his and my night together. I was pregnant and sadly I wanted this child. You know I always maintained that deciding to have an abortion or not is a decision that should be left to the woman. No one else can or should decide what she wants to do with her body but I have also maintained that if I were ever faced with that choice I would choose to have the child. Well, I was faced with that choice and I did not have a lot of time – once I passed four months no one would do the abortion. The thing was I wanted the baby because I knew I could not have Rahul and there would be no other man for me. It was not a matter, however, of what I wanted.

You must be thinking: "But you never told me, even worse Rahul, my husband never told me that you were pregnant."

How could he when I never told him? When I made the promise to tell him I had made that promise with every intention of keeping it but things got complicated. You and he were involved and there was nothing between Rahul and I. I did not want to tie him to me because he felt some kind of obligation. What happened that night was not just his fault, I was as much, if not more, to blame than him. Hence, in my decision to abort or keep the baby I had to factor in your love for Rahul, his love for you and my need to have this baby, which would make things awkward for you, him and me. It occurred to me, and I may have been wrong, that if I had this baby I would lose you and him. I had already sort of lost Rahul and I was not sure I could handle losing you, even if I was gaining a baby. I also had to consider what this would do to my family. You know how conservative they are and how concerned they are with society’s conventions. I loved them and I did not want to hurt them. Having the baby would have hurt them. Knowing it was Rahul’s would have made them force him into doing his duty and I did not want that.

You must be thinking: "But Nikki you had a third option. You could have given the child up for adoption." I suppose I could have but that would have meant telling my parents about the pregnancy and I could not do that. It also meant I would know that a child of mine was out there in the world and I was not a part of his or her life and that would have killed me. It also meant there was a risk that you or Rahul would have found out and I don’t know what that would have done to you and you and me. I know you are stronger than I am giving you credit for and that our friendship is as solid as a rock but I thought I could save you the pain of having to get over the fact that your husband and best friend had slept together and had a child. I was also not willing to risk our friendship. As strong as it was, was it really strong enough to withstand the daily knowledge of a bastard child of your husbands. Perhaps if we had not been friends it would not have hurt as much but we were friends. In the end I decided to have an abortion and perhaps the fact I have been hiding from myself is the true reason I did not have the baby. I was just plain scared that I would have to face everything alone. I would be alienated from my family, from Rahul, from you and I did not believe I was strong enough to handle that. Funny, but even without the baby I have managed to alienate myself from my family, from Rahul and from you. My jet setting lifestyle ensures that I am never in one place too long and that I am always a continent apart from you and my family.

I remember the day I went to have the abortion. It was the 27th April 1996, your birthday. It was just the only date available, any later and I would not have been able to go through with the abortion. I went to a clinic in Tongaat, as far away from my home in Westville, as possible. I drove myself because there was no one else I could tell, who I could trust with this secret that had to remain a secret. When I got to the clinic, a nurse led me into the doctor’s room where the doctor was waiting. He asked me over and over again if I was sure I wanted to go ahead with the abortion. I kept saying yes even though I could not stop the tears running down my face. He asked me to sign the forms that declared I wanted to have an abortion. He then led me into the operating room where he asked me to change into a hospital gown. As I lay on the operating table waiting for him to come back, my heart rebelled at what I was about to do. I was killing my baby, not the doctor or the nurse or Rahul or you but me. I was killing my baby and I did not know how to stop. Just as I was about to get of the bed, the doctor entered and asked me once again if I was sure I wanted to do this. I looked into his brown eyes seeking assurance that I was doing the right thing but all I saw was the question. It made no difference to him what I decided – he was just doing his job. I wanted to say: "No, I don’t want to go ahead with this murder" but instead I found myself shaking my head in confirmation. The doctor then quickly administered the anesthetic and the next time I awoke I had no baby. I had killed my baby and as I lay in the hospital bed I offered the killing of my baby as a birthday present to you. It was the only year, in all the time we have known each other that I gave you a present that you did not know about. I know you never asked for the sacrifice but it made me feel better thinking that I had killed my baby for a worthy reason instead of because I was afraid to keep him or her.

You must think I am trying to blame you for the abortion I decided, by myself, to have. That is not the case. I am just telling you about my feelings at the time of the abortion and how those feelings were entangled with my love for you and my desire to feel like a martyr. Perhaps, with hindsight, I should have told you all of this sooner because today I had to confront the fact that I may have martyred myself for nothing. You did not ask for the sacrifice and I made it because I was scared to do what I really wanted to do. I was scared that I would be alone but you know what, I am alone and I have no one to blame but myself. I did not trust our friendship or my family. I know now that you would have understood and you would have stuck with me. So would have my family because you’ll love me. When I found out about you and Rahul, I felt betrayed but I realize now that that I am the one who betrayed you by not trusting your love and friendship. All my thoughts about noble sacrifice were just a cover up for not facing reality, for not taking responsibility. It was easier in my unconscious to blame you, Rahul and my family but the truth is I took the easy way out as I have done all my life.

Today, when I saw your daughter, Rianna, I realized how much I have robbed myself of enjoying life. I played the martyr and it accomplished nothing. Now I wonder if it is not too late for me… I started this letter thinking that you would never read it but I now need more. I need for you to read this letter. I have stayed away from home in the belief that it would be best for everyone but it is not best for me anymore. I have been running from my secret and you in an attempt to escape but I have only succeeded in keeping you and my secret the focus of my life. I need to face my secret head on and the only way I can do that is if you read this letter and let me come home.

I hope you will find place in your heart to forgive me and let my weary soul find its way home. I will understand, however, if you can not. Whatever happens know that I love you and I always will. Whatever I have done I have done with the best of intentions.

Love

Nikkita

April 2017

Dear Nikkita

I want to be a good friend and say that I forgive you and want you back in my life but I can’t. You did not trust me enough and perhaps my reaction justifies that but I don’t want to see you. Who knows if things would have been different if you had confided in me then but you never gave us a chance and now it is too late. I am sorry for what you had to go through but did you ever consider what effect your letter would have after all these years. I don’t know whom I can trust anymore. The people I did trust, Rahul and you have been lying to me for the past twenty years. How the hell do you think it makes me feel to know this? You have had twenty years to adjust to this knowledge I have had only four months.

Four months of hell having to face my husband knowing he betrayed me. Even if he did not know about the baby he certainly knew he slept with you and he knew how close you and I were. Yet not once did he think to tell me and when I confronted him he had the gall to lie, to say that it was past history. You should have seen his face when I told him about the baby, he almost had an epileptic fit and he started swearing you, saying you should have left well enough alone. I think he is right. We were happy, Nikki and now we are on the verge of separation so maybe you will get what you want after all!

You said I was the strong one, the leader, the one more willing to take risks but I don’t feel like taking any risks on you. How can I? I loved you so much I would have given up anything for you and you did not trust me with your secret. I don’t care for your reasons, the bottom line is you did not trust me and now we will never know if you could have.

You are welcome to come home, it is still a free country, but I can’t forgive you and I would appreciate it if you would not try and contact me.

Disappointed

Juanita

June 2017

Dear Juanita

I know you said not to contact you but I have to try to undo the trouble I caused between you and Rahul because of my selfish need to unburden myself. Whatever you doubt, don’t doubt that Rahul loves you. He wanted to tell you about him and me but I told him that we did not need to. Why bring up all the girls he had known when he was with the woman he loved. I know he told you there were other woman in his past but you yourself told him: "Knowing the past does not help us change it, but we can live in the present and dream about the future."

I am truly sorry about you and Rahul and I want you to know that writing my letter and posting it to you was not done to separate you and Rahul. I only wanted to free myself from my torment and perhaps it was selfish but I could no longer live with myself. I hope and pray that you will find it in your heart to forgive Rahul even if you cannot forgive me. He did not betray you. All he did was love you.

I am sorry to have distressed you. Perhaps I should have followed my first instinct and not posted that letter to you but for once in my life I wanted you to know me and remember me as I was not as I portrayed myself to be. I will be eternally grateful to you for giving me that opportunity and eternally regretful for causing trouble between you and Rahul.

I am truly sorry for not trusting you sooner. You will never know how sorry I am but please don’t doubt my sincerity and love for you.

Love

Nikki

September 2017

Dear Nikki

I have had some time to think about your secret and I have realized that as much as it hurt me to read it, it must hurt you a great deal to write it. As much as I want to stay angry with you I cannot. Memories of our friendship remind me of the sacrifice you have made. You remember the beginnings of our friendship. I remember your support and love during all the hard times even when you were a continent away. Somehow you always knew how to make me feel better when I needed you.

I remember the time I miscarried my first child and you sent me a bunch of homemade chocolate brown cookies all the way from London. Your message: "It takes time to get things perfectly right but don’t despair, with your brains and Rahul’s braun you should have a perfectly baked cookie in your oven the next time you try." Somehow your words have always brought comfort to me.

In the end analysis it would appear I have not been a good friend to you. I was so wrapped up in my own life I never for a second thought about you. I just took whatever you told me at face value even when there were times when I knew something was not right. I remember the day I announced I was going to England to study. I knew that there was something wrong with you but I was so happy with my news and so interested in Rahul I just did not stop to ask you what was wrong.

The day Rahul and I announced our wedding I realized you were not happy, although you tried to put a brave face, but I did not ask you. Maybe I was afraid that if I asked than my happiness would be diminished so I did not ask, saying that if there was something wrong you would tell me. It seems to me that I have failed you and for that I am sorry. Once again, however, you have found the words to help me. After all you have been through you ask me to forgive Rahul and not you. You remind me of his love, something I desperately needed to hear from you and I know it could not have been easy for you to say it.

I am sorry for my last letter. I was lashing out from the shock of your secret but thank you for reminding me that what is in the past cannot be changed. I can live in the present, knowing that I have you as a friend and Rahul as my husband – the two people I love best in the world. Please come home and make this dream present.

Love

Juanita