New Story - I Need Your Opinion
I need your help!!!
Hey y'all, I recently got the idea for a new story and I started writing it, finally finishing the first chapter about 5 minutes ago hahah, but reading it back I kind of realized I hated it, but I still wanted to continue writing it. A few people have said that it's really good and want me to continue with it but I'm undecided, so I need your help. you could just read the first chapter written just below this probably boring speech and then leave a comment saying whether or not it's worth me continuing this it would be a huge help. After all, there's no better critic than another aspiring writer, right? Thanks, Katy xoxo
P.S. the story's called Rebecca :P
Rebecca
Chapter 1
'Any girl?'
'Any girl, and I guarantee you I can get her number by the end of the night', Aaron smiled smugly, as if he had all the power in the world and this was just an amusing game to him. His friend, Rick, scoured the bar, looking for someone who wouldn't be interested in being chatted up by a 'ladies' man' but all he could see were blonde bombshells in short skirts and busty brunettes in high heels, all out to pull. There was no way he was going win the bet if he chose one of those girls. Then he spotted her.
Her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail and her head was bent over a book. She had one scuffed red converse tucked behind her leg. It was fairly obvious she was in her own little world and she was perfectly happy there. Maybe Rick would get a bit of a bonus and this girl would knock Aaron down a couple of pegs. Heaven knows he needed it.
'Her', Rick pointed towards the direction he was looking in, smirking as he watched Aaron follow his gaze across the bar and settle on the girl with the book. There was absolutely no way this girl would be interested in him. Oh, how easy this win was going to be.
Aaron sighed hesitantly. He could see this was going to be a challenge, and not one of the good ones at that. She was so disinterested it was almost fashionable. However, there would be a great satisfaction in winning this little wager and he was almost certain he was going to win. After all, nobody had turned Aaron down before, so why should they start now?
'Okay', Aaron said, turning to Rick,' you're on', and with that they shook hands, a sign that the games had begun. Aaron readjusted his jeans and perfected his side fringe then sauntered over to the table where the girl was sat. He was just about to work his magic when she spoke, a deep Southern accent filling the air.
'Don't even think about it', she snapped. He was stunned by the tone of voice. Normally, the confrontation didn't occur until they'd been chatting awhile and he'd got a little cocky with the situation. However, regardless of the negativity within her voice, it was a little refreshing to have a change of pace. Aaron hadn't really used any of his 'charming' skills for a long time, as the women just seemed to be too easy to persuade, so a lot of his skills went to waste. Now was his time to brush up on them.
'Think about what', he asked innocently, his blue eyes shining with shock, in case she decided to look up from whatever drivel she was reading, 'I was just going to-'
'You were just going to ask if I wanted a drink because you'd noticed my glass was empty, which it has been for half an hour. If you were really going to just buy me a drink then you would have offered to do so as soon as you realized my glass was empty', the girl replied, cutting off whatever Aaron was about to say. Coincidentally, his sentence did happen to involve buying her a drink.
'I wasn't going to ask that', Aaron replied quickly, stalling for time as he tried to think of a valid excuse for coming over here, which he was now beginning to regret. This girl was feisty and usually he didn't go for feisty girls. There were some challenges in life better left alone and this was definitely one of those moments. Next time, he would just go for the easy route and dip out early. Losing a twenty would be much less painful than losing his manhood, which was definitely a possibility right now, if her tone of voice was anything to go by.
'So what were you going to ask then?'
'I was, um, going to ask if, erm, you would like to....' He began to say, but couldn't quite finish his sentence. She looked up at him, her crystal blue eyes shining with impatience and whatever excuse he was about to use became lost in them. He shook his head, trying to clear the fuzziness that had developed there. This wasn't a feeling he was enjoying, women didn't have this effect on him. They were just notches on his belt. He was the one that made women fall at his feet, made them feel special for the night, just so he could get them into bed. No woman had made him feel this way, and he didn't want them to. He was happy with his lifestyle choice. So why was this girl having such an effect?
'You were going to what?' she asked, the impatience in her eyes growing a little deeper,' ask me to dance?' Sarcasm was thick in her voice.
'Erm....well...umm', he stuttered, completely clueless about what to say.
The girl sighed, growing bored with the situation, 'Look if you came over here to chat me up in the hopes that you can get my number because you think I'll fall for whatever charm you think you have then you can just walk away now because I am seriously not interested', and with that she turned back to her book, indicating that Aaron should just turn around and go back to his friends that were now scrutinizing his every move, a look of confusion on each of their faces.
'What do you think's going on over there?' Jay asked, 'Aaron looks like he's going to pass out. He's white as a chuffing sheet.'
'Maybe she's telling him exactly what she thinks of him' Rick asked hopefully. He felt bad for taking a secret pleasure in watching Aaron's downfall, but his attitude towards women was becoming tiring. Rick hoped that this would be just what Aaron needed to change his ways.
Aaron just stood there, looking a lot like a fish out of water. He was floundering in his own game, something that had never happened before. Something in the back of his mind told him he looked like a complete tool, just stood there staring at his intriguing girl, but for some reason he just couldn't walk away from her.
'You know, you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen', he said genuinely. It was the first compliment he'd ever given a woman and actually meant it. His voice was laced with sincerity.
'Really?' the girl asked, looking up from her book again,' you're not just saying that?' She could tell there was honesty in there too.
'No, I'm not. I really mean it.'
And from that her whole first impression of him changed. She looked him up and down, properly seeing him for the first time since their encounter.
'Hmmm'
'What?' he asked.
'Nothing', she replied, looking back up to his face,' do you wanna sit down?'
'Yes', he said a little too quickly, glad to be back on track. Now he could get this bet won and then forget about the girl he was sat across from, intent on never remembering how she had made him feel when she'd first looked at him with those eyes. As they say, ignorance is bliss and he was ready to ignore the fact that a small, small part of him had changed because of her.
'I don't usually do this sort of thing you know', she told him when he'd gotten comfortable in the maroon leather seats the bar had ordered in last year. They were just beginning to fade and crack around the arms. Nevertheless, they were still a big hit with the regulars.
'Do what?' Aaron asked, fascinated by the deep Southern twang to her voice.
'This', she answered, gesturing to the table and to him,' talk to strange men that stand around staring at me with their mouths wide open.'
Had he been stood with his mouth open? He couldn't quite remember what he was doing after she'd looked up at him.
'Oh', was all he could reply. She laughed then, a lovely melodic sound that captivated Aaron further. It was getting harder and harder to stay focused on the bet that was going on between him and Rick. There was just something about this girl who made him want to know her more.
'You smoke?' she asked suddenly, glancing towards his jacket pocket, where a cigarette packet was poking out of the top.
'Erm, yeah. Do you?'
'Nah, it inhibits my creativity', she said smiling,' I don't drink either. Or do drugs.' She said this so matter-of-fact, as if it was an everyday thing to find a teenager who didn't do this.
'So why are you in a bar then?' he asked, confusedly.
She shrugged,' My feet brought me here.'
His eyebrows furrowed together in a look of utter confusion, 'You don't drink, smoke or do drugs, yet your feet somehow managed to bring you to a bar where every Saturday night at least two of those three things happen?'
'Mmmhmm', was all she said.
'Right....okay then.'
The girl smiled,' You don't have to kill your brain cells to have a good time, you know.'
'That's true I guess. So are you?'
'Am I, what?' she asked.
'Having a good time?'
'You know what', she answered,' I actually think I might be. What did you say your name was again?'
'I didn't. It's Aaron.'
'Aaron', the girl repeated, suddenly grabbing his hand and a pen. When she had finished scrawling something across the back of it, she picked up her bag and her book, nodded her head towards him and then walked away. On his hand was written:
'Rebecca- 555-0130'
His hand still tingled from where her fingers had touched his skin.
P.S. the story's called Rebecca :P
Rebecca
Chapter 1
'Any girl?'
'Any girl, and I guarantee you I can get her number by the end of the night', Aaron smiled smugly, as if he had all the power in the world and this was just an amusing game to him. His friend, Rick, scoured the bar, looking for someone who wouldn't be interested in being chatted up by a 'ladies' man' but all he could see were blonde bombshells in short skirts and busty brunettes in high heels, all out to pull. There was no way he was going win the bet if he chose one of those girls. Then he spotted her.
Her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail and her head was bent over a book. She had one scuffed red converse tucked behind her leg. It was fairly obvious she was in her own little world and she was perfectly happy there. Maybe Rick would get a bit of a bonus and this girl would knock Aaron down a couple of pegs. Heaven knows he needed it.
'Her', Rick pointed towards the direction he was looking in, smirking as he watched Aaron follow his gaze across the bar and settle on the girl with the book. There was absolutely no way this girl would be interested in him. Oh, how easy this win was going to be.
Aaron sighed hesitantly. He could see this was going to be a challenge, and not one of the good ones at that. She was so disinterested it was almost fashionable. However, there would be a great satisfaction in winning this little wager and he was almost certain he was going to win. After all, nobody had turned Aaron down before, so why should they start now?
'Okay', Aaron said, turning to Rick,' you're on', and with that they shook hands, a sign that the games had begun. Aaron readjusted his jeans and perfected his side fringe then sauntered over to the table where the girl was sat. He was just about to work his magic when she spoke, a deep Southern accent filling the air.
'Don't even think about it', she snapped. He was stunned by the tone of voice. Normally, the confrontation didn't occur until they'd been chatting awhile and he'd got a little cocky with the situation. However, regardless of the negativity within her voice, it was a little refreshing to have a change of pace. Aaron hadn't really used any of his 'charming' skills for a long time, as the women just seemed to be too easy to persuade, so a lot of his skills went to waste. Now was his time to brush up on them.
'Think about what', he asked innocently, his blue eyes shining with shock, in case she decided to look up from whatever drivel she was reading, 'I was just going to-'
'You were just going to ask if I wanted a drink because you'd noticed my glass was empty, which it has been for half an hour. If you were really going to just buy me a drink then you would have offered to do so as soon as you realized my glass was empty', the girl replied, cutting off whatever Aaron was about to say. Coincidentally, his sentence did happen to involve buying her a drink.
'I wasn't going to ask that', Aaron replied quickly, stalling for time as he tried to think of a valid excuse for coming over here, which he was now beginning to regret. This girl was feisty and usually he didn't go for feisty girls. There were some challenges in life better left alone and this was definitely one of those moments. Next time, he would just go for the easy route and dip out early. Losing a twenty would be much less painful than losing his manhood, which was definitely a possibility right now, if her tone of voice was anything to go by.
'So what were you going to ask then?'
'I was, um, going to ask if, erm, you would like to....' He began to say, but couldn't quite finish his sentence. She looked up at him, her crystal blue eyes shining with impatience and whatever excuse he was about to use became lost in them. He shook his head, trying to clear the fuzziness that had developed there. This wasn't a feeling he was enjoying, women didn't have this effect on him. They were just notches on his belt. He was the one that made women fall at his feet, made them feel special for the night, just so he could get them into bed. No woman had made him feel this way, and he didn't want them to. He was happy with his lifestyle choice. So why was this girl having such an effect?
'You were going to what?' she asked, the impatience in her eyes growing a little deeper,' ask me to dance?' Sarcasm was thick in her voice.
'Erm....well...umm', he stuttered, completely clueless about what to say.
The girl sighed, growing bored with the situation, 'Look if you came over here to chat me up in the hopes that you can get my number because you think I'll fall for whatever charm you think you have then you can just walk away now because I am seriously not interested', and with that she turned back to her book, indicating that Aaron should just turn around and go back to his friends that were now scrutinizing his every move, a look of confusion on each of their faces.
'What do you think's going on over there?' Jay asked, 'Aaron looks like he's going to pass out. He's white as a chuffing sheet.'
'Maybe she's telling him exactly what she thinks of him' Rick asked hopefully. He felt bad for taking a secret pleasure in watching Aaron's downfall, but his attitude towards women was becoming tiring. Rick hoped that this would be just what Aaron needed to change his ways.
Aaron just stood there, looking a lot like a fish out of water. He was floundering in his own game, something that had never happened before. Something in the back of his mind told him he looked like a complete tool, just stood there staring at his intriguing girl, but for some reason he just couldn't walk away from her.
'You know, you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen', he said genuinely. It was the first compliment he'd ever given a woman and actually meant it. His voice was laced with sincerity.
'Really?' the girl asked, looking up from her book again,' you're not just saying that?' She could tell there was honesty in there too.
'No, I'm not. I really mean it.'
And from that her whole first impression of him changed. She looked him up and down, properly seeing him for the first time since their encounter.
'Hmmm'
'What?' he asked.
'Nothing', she replied, looking back up to his face,' do you wanna sit down?'
'Yes', he said a little too quickly, glad to be back on track. Now he could get this bet won and then forget about the girl he was sat across from, intent on never remembering how she had made him feel when she'd first looked at him with those eyes. As they say, ignorance is bliss and he was ready to ignore the fact that a small, small part of him had changed because of her.
'I don't usually do this sort of thing you know', she told him when he'd gotten comfortable in the maroon leather seats the bar had ordered in last year. They were just beginning to fade and crack around the arms. Nevertheless, they were still a big hit with the regulars.
'Do what?' Aaron asked, fascinated by the deep Southern twang to her voice.
'This', she answered, gesturing to the table and to him,' talk to strange men that stand around staring at me with their mouths wide open.'
Had he been stood with his mouth open? He couldn't quite remember what he was doing after she'd looked up at him.
'Oh', was all he could reply. She laughed then, a lovely melodic sound that captivated Aaron further. It was getting harder and harder to stay focused on the bet that was going on between him and Rick. There was just something about this girl who made him want to know her more.
'You smoke?' she asked suddenly, glancing towards his jacket pocket, where a cigarette packet was poking out of the top.
'Erm, yeah. Do you?'
'Nah, it inhibits my creativity', she said smiling,' I don't drink either. Or do drugs.' She said this so matter-of-fact, as if it was an everyday thing to find a teenager who didn't do this.
'So why are you in a bar then?' he asked, confusedly.
She shrugged,' My feet brought me here.'
His eyebrows furrowed together in a look of utter confusion, 'You don't drink, smoke or do drugs, yet your feet somehow managed to bring you to a bar where every Saturday night at least two of those three things happen?'
'Mmmhmm', was all she said.
'Right....okay then.'
The girl smiled,' You don't have to kill your brain cells to have a good time, you know.'
'That's true I guess. So are you?'
'Am I, what?' she asked.
'Having a good time?'
'You know what', she answered,' I actually think I might be. What did you say your name was again?'
'I didn't. It's Aaron.'
'Aaron', the girl repeated, suddenly grabbing his hand and a pen. When she had finished scrawling something across the back of it, she picked up her bag and her book, nodded her head towards him and then walked away. On his hand was written:
'Rebecca- 555-0130'
His hand still tingled from where her fingers had touched his skin.
Post Comment | View Comments
