Narcissistic Mother

"Mirror, mirror on the wall,
who in the land is the fairest of all?"

Queen Mother in the animation Snow White.

Most definitions of narcissism define it as an excessive fascination with oneself that thrives on self-love, vanity, and constant need for gratification. It is believed to be a personality development disorder. The term narcissism is derived from the Greek mythological character, Narcissus, a handsome Greek youth who was punished for rejecting nymph Echo's desperate advances. He was cursed to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water, and as he was unable to consummate his love, he changed into a flower in this grief. The yellow colored flowers are named after him; Narcissus. While a certain amount of narcissism is essential in us, to make us feel good about ourselves, it spells trouble when it becomes an inseparable part of our identity. This trait is especially traumatic for children who have to deal with a narcissistic mother.

Traits of a Narcissistic Mother

As the child is born, so is the mother. There is no denying the fact that a mother plays a vital role in a child's upbringing. In most normal setups, a mother is one who nurtures the child with unselfish love and care. Now imagine a scenario, where a child has to constantly 'seek' for the mother's love, or worse deal with role reversals. Although intelligent, such women are emotionally immature, and incapable of providing the child with a healthy environment, because they are too wrapped up in asserting their own superiority or significance.

How does one recognize a narcissistic mother, a young child can't. For small children it is a difficult time as they cannot comprehend why the mother loves them only when her condition is satisfied. Such a woman wants to be taken care of, pampered and spoiled, by the 'young child', and that is what they do to their young children, train them to cater to their wishes and whims. The children are forced to reverse roles, and the love they receive depends upon how much they are willing to shower on their mothers. A child who lives with a narcissistic mother has to constantly prove that she/he is worth the mother's love. One of the most severe repercussions of this is that the child grows up into an adult full of complexes and personality disorders, or maybe turn narcissistic themselves.

A narcissist mother sees herself as perfect, she can distort the truth in the process, especially while bearing the child down. A common trait seen among narcissistic individuals is that they do not like anyone being praised in front of them, no praise for their children too. And God forbid, the child is praised, an envious mother is quite capable of diminishing or degrading her child. She won't wince in her need to feel superior while minimizing the child's ability. For a narcissist mother, the child is there to serve just one purpose, to comply with her needs, else the child does not exist. They refuse to acknowledge the child as an individual who has his/her own needs.

A narcissistic woman believes that she alone is entitled to all the love and affection. Psychologists who have treated women with this disorder have reported that such women compete with her own child for her spouse's as well family's attention. They expect favorable treatment and complete compliance, any defiance shown by the child results in rage and exploitation. What seems as a cause of worry for child care providers is that such a mother is quite capable of sexually abusing the child to get that 'feel good factor'.

How to deal with a narcissistic mother is a difficult question to answer. Until the child grows big, they really don't know what they are dealing with. Hence, it is up to the family, friends and teachers to recognize this condition in a mother, and help both; the mother and the child, for a child who is deprived of a normal childhood, will in turn be deprived of being a normal adult.