My Life Underground ~9~ Doubts
Thanks again for waiting!!! Here it is! A little slower than the other chapters but the action is on its way, promise! Hope you enjoy!
PART NINE:
Keenan moves me toward the bed. My hand is in his hair, his hand is in mine. We are kissing furiously. He is trying to avoid my broken nose, and I am ignoring the pain. He grabs the bottom of my shirt and lifts it up over my head. He then takes off his own shirt. He turns my back to the bed and lays me down.
***
I am laying on the bed now next to Keenan. My face still hurts, I am still being tracked by crazed drug dealers, but for the moment I am in complete bliss. Keenan is smoking. His eyes are closed and his upper half is bare. Even after all the drugs, he still looks fit. Just nothing compared to how he used to be before. When we were friends.
That thought hits me like a ton of bricks, shattering my strange blissful state. Friends. We used to be friends, best friends at that. We grew up together, and now, with what we just did, that's all gone. Meaningless. I sit in one hopeless moment of regret. Alone. And then Keenan reaches out and touches my hand. The world and all its problems dissolve around me. All I have left is Keenan. His hand on mine.
I pick my purse up from the floor and dig around in it. Keenan watches me like I am doing the most exciting thing in the whole world. But I can't help it. Now that I have had time to just sit, there is only one thing I want. I know it is wrong and bad, but I need it. I pull out my baggie and a 20 dollar bill and dump some of it onto the nightstand. I pull out my bank card and cut it into lines. I roll the 20 and snort a line, it hurts like a bitch and barely works, but it does eventually and the more I manage to snort, the less it hurts. My head is rushing, my heart pounding, adrenaline flowing. All the residual pain from my face is gone. My confusions about Keenan and I are gone. It is all gone, except for the high. I hand the 20 to Keenan. He leans slowly and gently across me and sniffs a line back too. He leans back on his pillow, a small sigh escapes his lips. I know it isn't really the drug he wants. That makes me sad. I wonder briefly if he is having the same thoughts about us that I am.
"What do we do now?" I ask him quietly, unsure, even to myself if I am asking about our situation, or the escalating relationship between us.
Keenan looks at me for a moment, unsure of how to answer maybe.
"I - I don't know, Ainslee. We have people looking for us, we can't stay here forever and we can't go home, they will follow us there. We really are in deep shit this time. I'm sorry about this. This is all my fault, I got caught up in something way bigger than me. It was out of my control. I just- I don't even know how I got here, I never thought I could be who I am now. We need to get out of here. This needs to be fixed."
Keenan looks away, choked up and ashamed. I rest my hand uneasily on his shoulder, not sure if I should or not.
He turns to me quickly, hastily wiping his eyes " I think I know someone who might be able to help."
"Keenan," I hesitate, "we have to talk about what just happened."
He looks at me with sad expectation in his eyes. He shakes his head, no.
"Right now, we have to go for a little. We need this to be right again. Get dressed."
He tosses my shirt to me. I turn from him and get dressed. My nose hurts again, and my eyes fuckin hurt. More than anything my head hurts, and maybe even more than that, my heart.
He quietly grabs for my hand as we make our way out of the hotel. I shove it away. I don't even know what to think. His facial expression at this move goes from shock, to hurt, to indifference. I now regret not holding his hand, but I don't even know what to do anymore.
"I have your dad's car here, we need to get it back, it is parked at Teagan's apartment. I have the keys with me. Should we go there first then we can go see this 'someone' of yours."
"Ya ok, let's get a cab to Teagan's then." his voice is quiet, almost a whisper.
He holds out his hand and waves to a cab driver parked just down from the hotel a little. The driver waves back and we walk over. I sit in the front seat with the driver.
"Chilliwack," I say to him, "I'll tell you where when we get there."
I can hear Keenan breathing softly in the backseat, and suddenly all I want is to be back there with him. I start to turn, but stop myself. I can't. All that will do is make me more confused, and this is no time for that. God knows who will be waiting for us when we get to Teagan's place. So we drive in silence. I give the driver instructions and he stops the cab about 5 blocks from Teagan's. I quickly pay him and Keenan and I exit the cab in the same silence that we entered in.
We walk about 5 feet down the road in silence, and I can't take it anymore. I stop abruptly and grab Keenan by the arm, turning him to face me.
"Look I can't do this anymore, I don't know what to say, I don't know what I want but I don't want to lose you and I'm afraid that if we do THIS than things will never be the same and I won't have you anymore. I already thought you were fucking dead for a whole year, I just got you back and you might not even come back with me. I just wish things were simpler. I want everything to be easy."
I finish my speech and look down at my feet, fishing my smokes and lighter out of my pocket.
Keenan sighs as if I am a child that keeps asking why. "We don't have time to do this right now Ainslee."
I give him my famous icy glare. He immediately softens.
"I've always loved you Ainslee. Always. If we do THIS then the only way it would end would be you want to end it. Because I never would. As far as everything else goes, I don't know. I really don't. What do I honestly have to go home to? I am a fuck-up and a junkie and I always will be. But I love you."
I completely abandon all reason and throw myself into his arms. He stiffens in shock for a moment and then relaxes against me.
"I love you too," I whisper, "now lets go. Stop procrastinating Kee." I laugh to myself and grab his hand.
We come up around the corner and Teagan's apartment comes into view. My newly found high spirits come crashing down around my feet and all I can feel now is doubt. Three of Greg's lackeys are in front of Teagan's building. We are fucked.
Keenan moves me toward the bed. My hand is in his hair, his hand is in mine. We are kissing furiously. He is trying to avoid my broken nose, and I am ignoring the pain. He grabs the bottom of my shirt and lifts it up over my head. He then takes off his own shirt. He turns my back to the bed and lays me down.
***
I am laying on the bed now next to Keenan. My face still hurts, I am still being tracked by crazed drug dealers, but for the moment I am in complete bliss. Keenan is smoking. His eyes are closed and his upper half is bare. Even after all the drugs, he still looks fit. Just nothing compared to how he used to be before. When we were friends.
That thought hits me like a ton of bricks, shattering my strange blissful state. Friends. We used to be friends, best friends at that. We grew up together, and now, with what we just did, that's all gone. Meaningless. I sit in one hopeless moment of regret. Alone. And then Keenan reaches out and touches my hand. The world and all its problems dissolve around me. All I have left is Keenan. His hand on mine.
I pick my purse up from the floor and dig around in it. Keenan watches me like I am doing the most exciting thing in the whole world. But I can't help it. Now that I have had time to just sit, there is only one thing I want. I know it is wrong and bad, but I need it. I pull out my baggie and a 20 dollar bill and dump some of it onto the nightstand. I pull out my bank card and cut it into lines. I roll the 20 and snort a line, it hurts like a bitch and barely works, but it does eventually and the more I manage to snort, the less it hurts. My head is rushing, my heart pounding, adrenaline flowing. All the residual pain from my face is gone. My confusions about Keenan and I are gone. It is all gone, except for the high. I hand the 20 to Keenan. He leans slowly and gently across me and sniffs a line back too. He leans back on his pillow, a small sigh escapes his lips. I know it isn't really the drug he wants. That makes me sad. I wonder briefly if he is having the same thoughts about us that I am.
"What do we do now?" I ask him quietly, unsure, even to myself if I am asking about our situation, or the escalating relationship between us.
Keenan looks at me for a moment, unsure of how to answer maybe.
"I - I don't know, Ainslee. We have people looking for us, we can't stay here forever and we can't go home, they will follow us there. We really are in deep shit this time. I'm sorry about this. This is all my fault, I got caught up in something way bigger than me. It was out of my control. I just- I don't even know how I got here, I never thought I could be who I am now. We need to get out of here. This needs to be fixed."
Keenan looks away, choked up and ashamed. I rest my hand uneasily on his shoulder, not sure if I should or not.
He turns to me quickly, hastily wiping his eyes " I think I know someone who might be able to help."
"Keenan," I hesitate, "we have to talk about what just happened."
He looks at me with sad expectation in his eyes. He shakes his head, no.
"Right now, we have to go for a little. We need this to be right again. Get dressed."
He tosses my shirt to me. I turn from him and get dressed. My nose hurts again, and my eyes fuckin hurt. More than anything my head hurts, and maybe even more than that, my heart.
He quietly grabs for my hand as we make our way out of the hotel. I shove it away. I don't even know what to think. His facial expression at this move goes from shock, to hurt, to indifference. I now regret not holding his hand, but I don't even know what to do anymore.
"I have your dad's car here, we need to get it back, it is parked at Teagan's apartment. I have the keys with me. Should we go there first then we can go see this 'someone' of yours."
"Ya ok, let's get a cab to Teagan's then." his voice is quiet, almost a whisper.
He holds out his hand and waves to a cab driver parked just down from the hotel a little. The driver waves back and we walk over. I sit in the front seat with the driver.
"Chilliwack," I say to him, "I'll tell you where when we get there."
I can hear Keenan breathing softly in the backseat, and suddenly all I want is to be back there with him. I start to turn, but stop myself. I can't. All that will do is make me more confused, and this is no time for that. God knows who will be waiting for us when we get to Teagan's place. So we drive in silence. I give the driver instructions and he stops the cab about 5 blocks from Teagan's. I quickly pay him and Keenan and I exit the cab in the same silence that we entered in.
We walk about 5 feet down the road in silence, and I can't take it anymore. I stop abruptly and grab Keenan by the arm, turning him to face me.
"Look I can't do this anymore, I don't know what to say, I don't know what I want but I don't want to lose you and I'm afraid that if we do THIS than things will never be the same and I won't have you anymore. I already thought you were fucking dead for a whole year, I just got you back and you might not even come back with me. I just wish things were simpler. I want everything to be easy."
I finish my speech and look down at my feet, fishing my smokes and lighter out of my pocket.
Keenan sighs as if I am a child that keeps asking why. "We don't have time to do this right now Ainslee."
I give him my famous icy glare. He immediately softens.
"I've always loved you Ainslee. Always. If we do THIS then the only way it would end would be you want to end it. Because I never would. As far as everything else goes, I don't know. I really don't. What do I honestly have to go home to? I am a fuck-up and a junkie and I always will be. But I love you."
I completely abandon all reason and throw myself into his arms. He stiffens in shock for a moment and then relaxes against me.
"I love you too," I whisper, "now lets go. Stop procrastinating Kee." I laugh to myself and grab his hand.
We come up around the corner and Teagan's apartment comes into view. My newly found high spirits come crashing down around my feet and all I can feel now is doubt. Three of Greg's lackeys are in front of Teagan's building. We are fucked.
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