My Halloween Tradition

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm all about furthering young minds. Why give a child some toy blocks when you can give him a dictionary? Why give him a tricycle when you can give him a globe?

As some of you may know, last month, the children and immature adults of the world celebrated Halloween and strangely enough, these crazed individuals like to go out on this particular night, walking the streets like vagrants, dressed in all manner of disgusting and distasteful outfits, stopping at house after house and begging for a free handout. Candy in particular. Well I've got news for all those supple young boys and girls out there. Nothing in this life is free. Think about that while you're gorging your horrible, hairless little bellies with sugar-filled morsels.

On Halloween, I have something of a tradition. I expect it's a little different than the usual method of opening the door and putting candy in the children's bags or dropping it into their gaping mouths or whatever it is that "regular" people do. As I said before, I'm all for education and the betterment of the mind. I also oppose cavities, so I'm therefore very adamently against anything with sugar in it.

As soon as I hear the determined knocking of little knuckles on my door, I spring from my couch, wearing a T-shirt that I decorated myself with a crude drawing of a toothbrush and a man jogging on the front. (I'm also all about physical fitness!) I open my door and bellow in my most powerful voice, "Happy Thirty-First of October, Children!" Then, after viciously criticizing and demeaning their costumes, I aggressively reach for their bags.

I carefully inspect the contents of each of their bags and every article that I find that contains sugar goes into a trash can that I place beside my door. Then I give the children several pamphlets a piece, describing different universities in the area. Their cries of anguish and despair let me know that even though they're suffering now, they'll thank me someday (maybe even thank me financially).

If you know how I roll, then you also know that I'm all about nutrition, particularly the nutrition of children. There's no better time in their lives to build muscle, strengthen bones and teeth, and encourage healthy bowel movements by eating lots of fiberous foods that stimulate good digestion, such as brown rice, ginger, and radishes. This brings me to the second part of my little Halloween tradition. In addition to the pamphlets, I give each child an apricot and a small pouch containing a handful of wholesome and fiber-rich mung beans. Trust me, they'll thank me later.

It seems that as years go by, I have less and less tricker-treaters come by my house. I assume this declining number is due to the decreasing popularity of this ridiculous holiday. Soon, I'll have to find some other way to hand out my educational pamphlets and wellness-inducing treats, maybe even hitting the streets myself in search of some eager young mind or some nutrient deprived little tyke. Or I could just stay home and watch TV .