My Dirty Little Secret

Why??? Why is life so had? I cut myself and no I am not proud. But why? I used to cry and cry at night, but then I became older and I am ashamed of crying. So I cut. I know I shouldn't, but it's a drug. And do you know how many fucking people would judge and or take pity on me if I told?!?!?!?! I would me took to some shrink and my parents would talk to me about and say they love me over and over. Do you know what my mother told me once that I focused on the bad and that's why I thought I was so different. Don't you see?!?!?! How could I tell someone who wouldn't understand? She said she didn't get why people cut and that made me decide not to tell her. I don't want pity or to be judged and I don't even want to be loved!!!! What the hell does love compare to being understood. You can love someone no matter their flaws. You can love someone unconditionally, but that doesn't mean you understand them!!!! I am alone and scared and I need someone to understand me not love or pity me. I want someone to be there to let me talk about things and not have to watch what I say!!! I know telling someone would be best for me but what if I don't want that. I need someone to listen and say yes I get that not oh you poor thing. I hate this life and all the social graces and what people find is "acceptable" and what isn't. Why must I hide my true self and be so alone. My parent's say I can come to them for anything and they will try to understand, but I can't and they won't. They don't listen and they don't understand. My dad doesn't even try to hear what I’m saying. He just wants it the way he wants it. I can't tell without them telling me that they are ashamed. And even if they don't say it I know that they think it. I can't even tell them about the shows I like and the websites I like because they don't understand it. They don't even try!!!!!!!!!! I am so alone that it physically hurts.