Mumbling Mist

It’s morning and still my mind refuses to make itself and my body rest into a deep slumber. Then my thoughts travel to you, again. Lately I have been thinking of what could have been if I have told you directly what I really felt back then. I know you knew that I was hopelessly, madly, deeply in love with you, to the point where I have taken the role of a hypocrite that would do anything for you. But you disregarded that, most probably because we were still young. I was still young and reckless.

But I really did love you. Thing was though, you didn’t love me the way I loved you. But who am I to judge and assume that love can be measured? There is one thing I know for sure though. What I did was too much. You deserved less than what I gave you and you threw me away just like that. What if I tell you now that you were my first love? Would you feel even a tinge of regret that you didn’t see me for what I was back then, or would you just shrug nonchalantly and walk away?

We have grown apart. The two of us haven’t been that close, really, but I can’t help but miss seeing you, watching you flirt with all the other girls, and longing for the proximity of your live body. At least then there was a chance that you will talk to me, hold my hand, hug me, kiss me. Oh, the extent to which my imagination flies even now is unbearable. Over the top? Yes, definitely. But even I am aware that it is hoping against hope and it belongs to the realm of the impossible.

I have loved you even beyond my capacity to love; you were the first after all. I am trying to deny that you are still in my heart but it takes everything I have just to do that. I cannot lie to myself anymore.

I still love you. Maybe not a love as strong and deep as before but it is still there. I now wonder if you will ever leave my heart. You have composed a big part of it for so long that it may possibly kill me should I have the courage to remove you in it. Maybe if given a choice between living with you in my heart and choosing to eradicate you from it, I will still wish to live with the constant pain of knowing that you will never be mine. Ah, there it is. One of my greatest weaknesses bound up in one word. You.

Forever is a long time. Maybe one day, I will not be as crippled by your loss as I am now. There are just two choices for me when it comes to you. To tell you how I feel or wallow in my despair and adore you from afar. Both ways, I shall still die longing for the thing I can never have - you. It has always been you. I wonder if someone someday may manage to change that. To me right now, it seems like an abomination, the eradication of oneself. But I will cross that bridge when I get there.

For now, I am contented in writing my feelings for you in an article that you will never read, in an internet site you might never come across. I love you. I never did stop loving you, I realize that now. My love for you is crippling me. You are gnawing every bit of sanity I have left. I love you too much, it scares me.