Mother Guilt: Resolve to Live Without it

By Anastacia Mott Austin

In years past, I have set New Year’s goals for the entire family: spend more time together, get along, stop sucking our thumbs. And then there were the kids…

I have finally learned that people do not appreciate other people setting goals for them. My husband will stop sucking his thumb when he is ready.

So forget about family goals, this year I decided to only make them for myself. And while I have some resolutions for myself as a person, a lot of what defines how I want to improve myself revolves around my parenting.

I looked at the usual suspects for my mothering goals for 2008: be more patient, try to spend more time in the moment with my children, don’t sweat the small stuff, stop yelling. (I have a friend who said to me recently, "I just can’t picture you yelling." And instead of taking that as a compliment, I thought to myself, wow, she doesn’t spend as much time with me as I thought.)

These goals were admirable, and then I realized that what I was really making a list of was what I felt guilty about as a mother. These are the things I beat myself up about. If I could accomplish these goals, I thought, I’d be a better mother.

But what would make me feel like I was a "good enough" mother? We love our children so much that we want the best for them, and that includes us. We want perfect parents for our children. But not only is that impossible, it sets us up for failure, and more guilt. And I’m not alone. According to parenting experts, mothers especially are feeling more guilty than ever. Bleh. Not a good way to start out the New Year.

Then it struck me. What if instead of trying to make myself perfect, I could just feel less guilty? It seemed so much more efficient. That would save a lot of energy on my part, and make me more relaxed in general, which would give my kids a better mother, right?

I narrowed my list of resolutions down to just one:

1. Stop feeling guilty. This would comprise my entire resolution list. If there is one universal emotion attached to motherhood in this day and age, it seems to be guilt. Mothers come in all shapes, sizes, and parenting techniques, but scratch the surface of almost any mother and there it is, the guilt. It starts almost immediately with childbirth, and the did-you-or-didn’t you question about drugs during childbirth. Who cares? Childbirth hurts. A lot. If getting the epidural in the parking lot helped you, you go girl. On the flip side, if you gave yourself a mental medal for doing it au natural and this makes you feel like you accomplished something, you go too. But the truth is, if you popped out a kid, in whatever manner, you did something big.

Maybe if we could all get over this beginning hurdle, the rest of parenthood might not be so fraught with guilt either. Did you breastfeed, use cloth diapers, let them watch TV, take your kids to the right preschool, did you homeschool, feed them organic food, use attachment parenting? All while working full time, or not? Did you favor one kid over the other, choose the right afterschool activities, do homework with them, read to them every night?

It doesn’t matter. Your children will love you for some things, and be mad at you for others. Probably different kids in your own family will choose the opposite of these things. No matter what, some things are "no fair."

But we feel guilty anyway. This resolution is hard. Debra Gilbert Rosenberg, author of Motherhood Without Guilt, says that mothers today experience so much pressure, from ourselves and from others, to be perfect, that we inevitably feel guilty. "Mothers expect themselves to be beautiful, fit, trim, sexy, loving, intelligent, successful, friendly, organized, neat, tidy, creative, and accomplished at every aspect of their lives," said Rosenberg to blogger and writer Ann Douglas. "We expect ourselves, and think others expect us, to be fantastic daughters, wives, friends, workers, and mothers."

What about dads? Not so much, says Gilbert. Of course fathers want to be good parents too. But our culture still rewards men and women so differently that a man (in general, of course) would feel far guiltier for not having a good job than for not measuring up to society’s expectations of fatherhood.

What are those, exactly? I remember a trip a few years ago to see my aunt and uncle. My children were very young, the older one two-and-a-half, her sister about 11 months old. I ran around like crazy, doing snacks and diapers and tantrums and whatnot. To be fair, so did my husband. I expect that of him, and we couldn’t have survived those early years without both of us giving it all we had. At the time of the visit, we both worked full-time outside of the home (I was allowed to bring my children to work, but that’s a whole different story).

Every time, and I mean every single time, my aunt saw my husband change a diaper or wipe a nose, she exclaimed, "Oh my! He is so good with the children, such a good help to you!" After two days of this, I was feeling pretty annoyed and said to her, "I’m doing everything he’s doing." And she said, "Oh I know, dear, that’s what mothers do. But oh, he’s so good with them, what a help to you!"

I hate to admit it, but there is still a pretty stiff double standard when it comes to parenting. The women of my generation have high expectations of our partners, but that’s survival. Most families I know have two working parents, and we have to help each other out at home. (And don’t get me started about the huge double standard at play for women who stay at home and are "just" mothers, like that isn’t the hardest job ever). But the culture at large still seems to think it’s pretty magnanimous for fathers to "help out" at home.

Where does that leave mothers? Today, women are expected to work. After all, the feminists fought hard for equal rights. So we have our jobs, yet there are still high expectations to turn out perfect, well-behaved, well-balanced children, with no real external guidelines. There are far more parenting "styles" out there now than there were when we were kids. And so many conflicting messages.

It’s everywhere. Let the baby cry it out or you’ll spoil her. No, pick up the baby when she cries or she won’t form attachments later in life. Don’t let them watch any TV. No, some is okay, especially Sesame Street. (Barney is evil, though). Have them watch the "brainy" kid videos, it’ll make them smarter. No, don’t do that, new studies have shown that watching those videos delays reading skills! Breastfeed forever, it’s good for them. No, you have to wean them by one year, or they’ll never be done. Let them sleep with you, they’ll be closer to you. No, for God’s sake, don’t let them sleep with you, you’ll roll over and kill them! Be an attached parent, carry them everywhere. No, tough love is where it’s at – don’t be afraid to say "no."

No wonder moms feel like, "I don’t know if I’m doing this right." It’s hard not to feel lost (And the kids don’t help when they yell "You’re the worst mother ever!"). Hence, the guilt. We think other moms all around us must be doing a better job, because it feels so hard sometimes, and we’re afraid to ask for help for fear of not seeming perfect. No one wants to be the mom who is losing it, who doesn’t have it all together.

Moms, I’m saying let it go. It’s time to unite in our efforts to relax our own internal rules, and let’s forget about what we think everyone else is saying. Stand up with me and shout "No fair!"

Let’s all try this year to be "good enough," and throw everything else out the window.

It’s not going to be easy, but enough is enough. Feeling guilty will not make us better mothers.

Our kids may still blame us later, but at the very least they will have learned that it’s okay to be a less-than perfect human being.

This may be the most difficult resolution I’ve ever made.