Marriage Advice for Men

Disclaimer: At the risk of losing out on a potential readership, let me warn you well in advance. I am not a marriage counselor. Nor is this a serious article. In fact, it is a light-hearted take at the plight of married men.

Marriage Advice - Prologue
It all began with a train journey. I had just boarded the train, and had barely settled down in my seat, when my cell phone rang. It was my best friend. He said his family and he were going to a nearby town to 'see' a girl (read: prospective bride). (For all my readers in the West; this is the first step in the process of 'arranged marriage', a fairly common matchmaking system in my country). Anyway, I was unperturbed as I was fairly confident that this would be the first of many such 'girl seeing' missions and occasions to follow. Twenty-four hours later, as I was just getting off the train, my friend called me again. The marriage had been fixed. The deed had been done. (Or as I saw it, the death knell had rung). Twenty months, one marriage, and a pregnant wife later, my dear friend is no longer the jolly, carefree guy that I knew him to be. So here I am, drawing from my friend's experiences of 'holy matrimony', and subsequently writing these few lines which can be construed as marriage advice for the males.

Words of Wisdom for the Males

Okay, firstly, don't take the above heading too seriously (remember the disclaimer?). Secondly, girls, ladies, and all my female readers...do take the rest of this article sportingly and in the right spirit. As I mentioned earlier, this is not some serious marriage counseling advice, rather a funny take on the amazing relationship between two M's - Man and Marriage.

#1
Never ever marry a woman for her (or her father's) wealth or riches. It will never work.

#2
If you are a very ambitious guy, with a long list of life goals, make sure you achieve most of them before you marry. If marriage happens to be one of them, then God be with you.

#3
If you are a virgin, whatever you do, do not think of marriage as a way of losing your virginity. There are a lot more things that you will end up losing in the process - your sanity, sensibility, integrity, priority, productivity, mentality, and maturity. And if that wasn't enough, here is what you will end up gaining - acidity, obesity, perplexity, publicity, stupidity, and much more.

#4
Here are some question-answer sets which you must hardwire into your brain at all costs, so much so that the answer must be on the tip of your lips even before your wife pops the question.

Question	Answer
Do I look fat in this dress?	A resounding and ultra-confident 'NO'!
Do you love me? (at 4 o' clock in the morning).	Of course, Darling! (while taking a deep breath to remain calm).
Do you think she is prettier than me?	Sweety, you're the most beautiful woman in this room (honesty is NOT always the best policy!)
I've tried this new 'XYZ' recipe. How is it?	An enthusiastic 'Delicious'!
If I died, would you marry again?	(Sorry, even I don't have the answer to this one!)

#5
Secretly stash away (in a Swiss bank account) as much money as you can before you tie the knot. Once you're hers, so is your money.

#6
When the minister says, "You may now kiss the bride", you can also kiss goodbye to all those weekend football games and beer nights with the guys. Soon, your weekends will be all about arranging flowers, doing laundry, buying grocery, and flipping through maternity magazines.

#7
One fact of life - women can't drive. (My female readers are gonna kill me for this!). So if you're a freakishly obsessed car lover, think at least a hundred thousand times before you marry. Or else, have an agreement with your wife - You don't touch her kitchen, she doesn't touch your car.

#8
There's a saying I strongly believe in - "Desperate times call for desperate measures". Once married, you're going to need every possible ounce of help (be it heavenly or earthly). You better start considering your options - religion, spirituality, nature, vodka! Here's a tip: Start off by attending Sunday church!

#9
All those secretly stashed piles of Playboy magazines and other video tapes...get rid of them pronto. When your wife discovers them (which she will, don't even bother asking 'how' or 'why'), you will be all but crucified.

#10
Start with memory enhancement procedures and techniques. Do brain exercises, take pills, attend memory improvement lectures, drink nutritional shakes...do whatever it takes to develop the 'memory of the married man'. It is a unique type of memory; one which requires you to remember everything from your wife's birthday, your wedding anniversary, your in-laws' wedding anniversary, to the flavor of the ice-cream served at your wedding, the first night of your honeymoon, the color of the mattress in the hotel room, the diamond jewelry you promised to buy her, the first cake you baked together, the first baby name you picked together, the first baby you had together, the first diaper you changed together...I think you've got the picture.

I guess that's enough for the time being. So, my dear readers, this was all about some words of wisdom for the males who are having a challenging time dealing with the woman of their life. Oh, and by the way, I'm single, and VERY happy to be so!