Lou's Life Chap 7 "Acceptance"

How long have I been down here? I thought. I was laying in the only patch of dirt in Quinn's pit that wasn't covered in human remains. I don't remember lying down, only that I had been weeping for Marcus. I felt lost. I felt like I couldn't breathe. The world had ended and I was left without direction, without hope. Marcus being alive had given me hope. Hope that I could fight my dark urges, fight this disease of vampirism that had been implanted in me by Quinn. By keeping him alive, I remained human. I had reached a pivotal point, this was it. Either I was going to accept my fate and move on or I was going to spend the rest of my miserable existence, lying in dirt, haunted by Marcus's ghost. I was laying there staring into Marcus's dead eyes. Even in death his eyes were the most prominent feature about him, and still the most beautiful. It wasn't so much the loss of this human that I wept for, but the loss of my humanity. My human soul was gone and I was now a monster. I was truly a vampire. I had fed on blood. I had killed Marcus as surely as Quinn had. By not taking his life I made him susceptible to Quinn, and I was very sure I could have been more kind and compassionate than Quinn had been. What am I talking about? When is killing someone considered kind and compassionate?? From my life at the convent, I knew killing and murder to be a sin. What kind of sin was it to consider murder allowable as long as it was done mercifully? I did not like my new twisted way of thinking, but I saw no other alternative. I just knew that I could have gently led him to death instead of tossing him away like a used rag. I hated Quinn. He was indifferent, vicious and cruel. He was unfeeling and uncaring, and right now I needed compassion. I needed a shoulder to cry on. I needed somebody to be loving, caring and soothing. There was no one. I was alone in more ways than one.

I had no idea how long I had been there, but I knew the day had not ended because there was still daylight coming down through the hole. I couldn't just sit here in the dark. Before, I had been convincing myself that I was still human. Now I was, without a doubt, not human anymore. Another layer of truth for me to have to swallow, more acceptance. I knew what I had to do. Even though Quinn was a despicible person, he was the only other vampire available. He was ABSOLUTELY the last person I wanted to depend on for any of my needs, but there was no one else, and if I didn't learn from him how to live this life, I wasn't going to make it. I would sit here in the dark and never leave. I knew I had to face my life. I also knew if I didn't fight for Quinn's respect I was never going to get it. Respect must be earned and I hadn't done anything to warrant Quinn being nice or compassionate to me. Maybe, just maybe, there is a gentle soul in Quinn somewhere. I stood up. That made me feel a little better. I looked down at Marcus, and allowed myself to feel one more twinge of sadness. I kissed my own fingers and touched them to his cold cheek. I gently closed his eyes and whispered "I'm sorry". Then I climbed out of the pit, and pushed aside the curtain.

I walked into the main room and Quinn was sitting at the desk reading. I gathered my courage, it was now or never. He looked up. "Master Quinn, I'm going to bathe and put on some clean clothes. My dress was covered in my blood and now it's covered in deer blood." I said as I walked to the door. I opened the door and yelled as loud as I could "Emilian! Emilian, come here please!" my voice echoing off the walls of the cave. I looked back at Quinn and he was just sitting there watching, his expression impossible to read. I was unsure if he approved of my boldness or not. Within moments I saw torchlight coming down the corridor. Emilian walked towards me slowly, fear in his eyes. As soon as the torchlight hit me, his eyes got as big as saucers, and he had a horrified look on his face at the sight of the blood all over the front of my dress. He stopped a good 10 ft from me. The smell of his blood was there and it burned when I inhaled, but I was full from the deer. I didn't desire his blood at all. "Emilian, thank you for coming. First let me say, my apologies for my behavior the other day, that was wrong of me to frighten you like that. But I have a favor to ask you, I was wondering if you gentlemen have a washtub I can use so I might have water brought for a bath?"

"No, Mi'lady. There is no washtub. Us men just go to the creek for our bathing"
"Well, alright then, have you, um, encountered anyone lately who had a woman traveling with them? Or did you happen to keep the bundle of my belongings I was carrying when you captured me? I need clean clothes"
"Yes, milady. We have your clothes, and we have a whole chest of ladies things that we got off a peddler we robbed yesterday. We store the things we don't need or use right away. They bring a pretty penny if we take them to market"
"Could you have them brought to this chamber, please? As soon as I get clean clothes, Quinn can show me where to bathe. Thank you, Emilian"
I left the door open, turned and went to sit on the bed. I was waiting for Quinn to say something, protest the fact that I had took control and was doing this without his permission. He was just watching me. Quinn and I just stared at each other while Emilian and a couple of gypsy's came in with my bundle and a large chest. I directed them to put it at the foot of the bed. The two gypsy's who I had never seen before looked at me like the monster I was. I thought about what I must look like to them. Back when I was just an innocent farm girl, I would have been frightened too if I came in a room and saw a pale young girl sitting calmly on a huge luxurious bed, with blood on her mouth, in a dress covered in blood. I suppose I was now the very definition of innocence lost. I waited for their reaction, to ask me why I was covered in blood. But they did not speak, and left as quickly as they came in, closing the door behind them. I got up, got my bundle and started to unpack my belongings. I did not have many dresses, and they weren't fancy or luxurious by any stretch of the imagination, but they were mine and they were clean and practical. As I unpacked, I felt, more than heard, Quinn come up behind me.
"Just what is it you think your doing?"

I turned and glared at him. "Is it not apparent what I'm doing, my lord? I'm selecting clean clothing so that I can go bathe. In case you didn't hear me when I came in the room, I'm in a filthy dress covered in deer blood. I have blood all over myself. I need to clean myself. You can lead me to the creek where you bathe, or I can find it myself, but either way I am done lying on the bed with nothing to do. I require your assistance, my lord. Do you want to show me the creek, or give me directions to it?" I said this as I draped my best dress and chemise over my arm, and picked up my only bar of homemade soap. I laid my simple comb and mirror on the bed to use when I returned. I had never had anything as beautiful and special as a comb and a hand mirror, such things were luxuries my family could not afford. This, along with the homemade soap, was a wedding present from the nuns at the convent, and had probably been given to them as some noble lady's act of charity. It struck me as how sad it was that the first time I would see my face in a real mirror, it would not be my real face. It would be the face of a monster.
Quinn was looking at me with the most curious expression on his face. The corner of his mouth twitched, like he was trying not to smile. "And what if I refuse to let you leave this room? Remember, I told you once I would kill you if I caught you outside this room. What makes you think I have changed my mind about allowing you access to the outside world?" I considered this for a moment. I had no indication that he had changed his mind, that he would allow me to do anything without his permission. My heart, if it was still beating, would have been thumping in my chest. I really didn't want to fight Quinn for the right to bathe, that seemed a little ridiculous to me. But on the other hand, if I didn't stand up to him now, I would never earn the respect I wanted. "Well, my lord, it makes no sense to me that you would have gone to all the trouble to find and create a companion, just so you could kill me for wanting to bathe. Please, give me the aid I require or stand aside, sir!" To my suprise, he took a step back and gave me a small bow. I turned and marched to the door like some sort of Queen, feeling mighty and triumphant.