Life In A Hospital Through the Eyes of Hulk Hogan
A twisted tale of a man's experiences in a hospital.
First things first, Hulk Hogan wasn't actually the wrestler Hulk Hogan, his last name just happened to be Hogan, and when his mother was naming him she choked on a piece of cake, causing her to shout, "HULK!". The dudes responsible for the birth certificate were in a hurry (what with the final episode of Lost being on later that night), so they stuck with it and ran off before the mother could object.
Anyway, she died five years later from a pastry overdose (It happens). Hulk's father was a proud man, but he had bed-wetting problems, and he eventually drowned in his own urine one late night after knitting. Surrounded by death, Hulk decided he would become a doctor and help people with deranged problems.
Hulk walked through the door and frowned at a man scratching his "beard" and smiling awkwardly. The man quit his job immediately and moved to Arkansas (because no one else lives there). Hulk moved on to the coffee machine. An elderly man was standing there, looking around and drooling. He walked up to the coffee machine and died. Hulk grabbed a cup and placed it under the nozzle. He watched the smooth, brown liquid flow out, a bit of steam coming from the cup. Hulk licked his lips in slow motion. Some guy next to him yelled, "Oh my god no!". The guy thrust his face into the coffee and slowly lost his face. Hulk threw the cup at a fat man. The cup was absorbed by his fat and the fat guy shouted, "100 HP gained!".
"I don't have time for this. I've got patients," Hulk said in a dramatic voice to a nearby man. Hulk walked over to some guy sweating and asked, "What's the problem?".
"Well," the guy said, "one of my patients has some extreme pain in their left shoulder, but I just can't figure out what it is!"
"Let me take a look."
The guy led Hulk over to the patient, who was moaning and looking around to see if anyone cared. Hulk placed his nose upon the patient's shoulder and sniffed.
"Hammer." Hulk pulled out a hammer from his trusty utility belt.
"What are you..." the guy asked.
"Fixing it." He hit the patients shoulder with a hammer. The arm came off.
"It is better."
Hulk felt a strange sense of accomplishment rush through him. He took off his shirt. It went away. Some guy's eyes widened and he gaped at Hulk's physique.
"Whoa dude!" said the guy.
"Don't look!" Hulk cried in an embarrassed voice. He took his discarded shirt and whipped the guy with it, rendering him incapable of wiping his butt. Hulk chuckled and skipped along.
Later that day he had to attend to a patient with lung problems.
"So you're lungs are in pain and you're having trouble breathing, is that correct?" Hulk asked.
"Yeah, that's right," said the patient.
"Okay...alright...have any of your family members had any history of lung problems?"
"Uhh not that I can..."
"Do you ever feel lonely at night?"
"What?"
"Do you ever get the urge to kill?
"What does that have to..."
"Well...I'm afraid we are going to have to insert a tube into your urethra."
"You have to what?!"
"Insert. Tube. Weener."
"Why?"
"Trust me. I'm a doctor."
So they shoved a tube up his urethra and left it there forever. The patient died after five straight days of peeing through a tube, which hooked up with an IV bag and went into his bloodstream.
Hulk got that rush of accomplishment again, but this time he couldn't stop it, even if he got completely naked. But luckily, he WAS a doctor.
He started the examination by trimming his toenails until they were perfect. Nothing. He firmly shampooed all of his hair until it was so clean he went bald. Nothing. He brushed his teeth until his gums bled. Nothing. He plucked his nose hair until he could feel them pulling on his brain. Nothing. He bit on his own teeth until they shattered. Nothing. He managed to lactate even though he was a male. Nothing. He peed through a tube which went through an IV which went into his bloodstream. The feeling went away.
The End
Anyway, she died five years later from a pastry overdose (It happens). Hulk's father was a proud man, but he had bed-wetting problems, and he eventually drowned in his own urine one late night after knitting. Surrounded by death, Hulk decided he would become a doctor and help people with deranged problems.
Hulk walked through the door and frowned at a man scratching his "beard" and smiling awkwardly. The man quit his job immediately and moved to Arkansas (because no one else lives there). Hulk moved on to the coffee machine. An elderly man was standing there, looking around and drooling. He walked up to the coffee machine and died. Hulk grabbed a cup and placed it under the nozzle. He watched the smooth, brown liquid flow out, a bit of steam coming from the cup. Hulk licked his lips in slow motion. Some guy next to him yelled, "Oh my god no!". The guy thrust his face into the coffee and slowly lost his face. Hulk threw the cup at a fat man. The cup was absorbed by his fat and the fat guy shouted, "100 HP gained!".
"I don't have time for this. I've got patients," Hulk said in a dramatic voice to a nearby man. Hulk walked over to some guy sweating and asked, "What's the problem?".
"Well," the guy said, "one of my patients has some extreme pain in their left shoulder, but I just can't figure out what it is!"
"Let me take a look."
The guy led Hulk over to the patient, who was moaning and looking around to see if anyone cared. Hulk placed his nose upon the patient's shoulder and sniffed.
"Hammer." Hulk pulled out a hammer from his trusty utility belt.
"What are you..." the guy asked.
"Fixing it." He hit the patients shoulder with a hammer. The arm came off.
"It is better."
Hulk felt a strange sense of accomplishment rush through him. He took off his shirt. It went away. Some guy's eyes widened and he gaped at Hulk's physique.
"Whoa dude!" said the guy.
"Don't look!" Hulk cried in an embarrassed voice. He took his discarded shirt and whipped the guy with it, rendering him incapable of wiping his butt. Hulk chuckled and skipped along.
Later that day he had to attend to a patient with lung problems.
"So you're lungs are in pain and you're having trouble breathing, is that correct?" Hulk asked.
"Yeah, that's right," said the patient.
"Okay...alright...have any of your family members had any history of lung problems?"
"Uhh not that I can..."
"Do you ever feel lonely at night?"
"What?"
"Do you ever get the urge to kill?
"What does that have to..."
"Well...I'm afraid we are going to have to insert a tube into your urethra."
"You have to what?!"
"Insert. Tube. Weener."
"Why?"
"Trust me. I'm a doctor."
So they shoved a tube up his urethra and left it there forever. The patient died after five straight days of peeing through a tube, which hooked up with an IV bag and went into his bloodstream.
Hulk got that rush of accomplishment again, but this time he couldn't stop it, even if he got completely naked. But luckily, he WAS a doctor.
He started the examination by trimming his toenails until they were perfect. Nothing. He firmly shampooed all of his hair until it was so clean he went bald. Nothing. He brushed his teeth until his gums bled. Nothing. He plucked his nose hair until he could feel them pulling on his brain. Nothing. He bit on his own teeth until they shattered. Nothing. He managed to lactate even though he was a male. Nothing. He peed through a tube which went through an IV which went into his bloodstream. The feeling went away.
The End
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