Laundry Day (Part 3)

Jackie appeared from the kitchen with her robust mother and baby brother, who's name was apparently "Timothy", following her. I introduced myself, said a quick hello to Jackie and then seated myself at the dining room table. An awkward silence filled the room and I felt all eyes upon me as Jackie's mother cleared her throat, then left the room and returned with several large trays of food. She then placed several large dishes onto the table and filled our glasses with something that resembled iced tea. I began to ask if they had any wine or at least something with vodka in it, but Ted interrupted me.

"Let's all go ahead and sit down then." Ted said. I thought I slightly detected a sarcastic tone in his voice. I stared at him angrily, but he wouldn't meet my gaze. Jackie and her family proceeded to file around the table and sit down at their respected positions with Jackie on my left and little Timothy on my right.
For the first time since the food had been placed on the table, I inspected the menu. It seemed that we were having some type of roast beef. In another pot, I noticed mashed potatoes and in another, I saw green beans. There was also a large loaf of bread and something that looked like cheese. I thought of my cheesy lunch-salad and grimaced. My stomach churned and a putrid belch escaped my lips. Jackie's family looked horrified. Her mother gasped and put her napkin over her face. Jackie and her father said nothing, but they looked like they might become ill. At least little Timothy thought it was funny.

"How rude of me." I said with a chuckle. "I was merely trying to break the ice." I'm famous for my good saves.

"Um, well I guess let's just dig in." Ted said apprehensively. The table remained silent as the dishes were passed one by one, from person to person, each person heaping servings of food onto their plates. I followed suit and heaped my plate high with meat, potatoes, green beans, and bread.

"So, Ben...What is it that you do exactly?" Jackie's mother asked me, a look of subtle disapproval on her fat face.

"What exactly do you mean? Like work?" I blurted, my mouth full of mashed potatoes.

"Yes. Like work." The woman had a disgusted look on her face. She hadn't touched her food. I wondered if maybe she was embarrassed to eat in front of a stranger.

"You don't have to be embarrassed to consume your food in front of me Ma'am." I said, particles of chewed potatoes flying from my lips.
"I won't judge you in any way. In fact, I happen to think large women are rather attractive in some ways as long as they practice cleanliness and personal hygiene." I chuckled and shoveled another bite of mashed spuds into my mouth.

I heard gasps around the table. I assumed it was because this family had never heard amazing compliments such as mine before, especially directed at the hideous and morbidly obese woman of the household. I could feel that this family was taking a great liking to me already. In no time at all, I would have Jackie in the sack.

Suddenly, I felt my stomach clench. My large intestine rumbled and hiccuped. A painful grimace appeared on my face and I clutched my gut with both hands. The atrocious lunch-salad that I'd consumed earlier wasn't mixing well with the food these heathens had given me. With a thunderous roar, my anus erupted into my trousers. My face was red and the veins on my head and neck throbbed. Sweat poured from my forehead and armpits and the food in my mouth tumbled back to the plate.

"Timothy!" I sneered, glaring at the small boy. "That's awfully rude of you, passing gas like that! Boy, that really reeks! If you people will excuse me, I need to make a phone call." And with that, I leapt from my chair and briskly waddled off down the hallway, shit pouring down my trouser-legs as I went.

I entered the deluxe bathroom and slammed and locked the door behind me. Everything sparkled and the mirror was absolutely spotless. Unlike mine back home, spotted with flecks of toothpaste and spattered with urine. I immediately sat on the beautiful porcelain commode and callously emptied my bowels into the sparkling water, no doubt covering the entire inside with grotesque stains and streaks - another price to pay for my amazing company. As I sat and waited for the remaining fecal matter to squeeze from the innards of my buttocks, I glanced down at my legs. They were a mess, as were my pants, my socks, and it appeared to have also run down into my loafers. I cleaned myself with the fine toilet paper (the expensive two-ply kind that I am unable to afford), and peeled off my leggings, boxers, my socks, and my shoes. It appeared that they were completely ruined. Sadness gripped my soul as I dropped my underwear, socks and pants into the commode. I loved those pants. I hit the lever that is utilized to flush things down, but it would appear that my pants wouldn't quite fit down the hole. Furious, I grabbed the plunger and attempted to force the articles of clothing down the toilet-drain but to no avail. I watched in horror as the water/shit level rose higher and higher. Finally the commode could take no more and a terrible waterfall of water, feces, urine, and soiled clothing rained down onto the beautiful tile flooring, soaking the bathroom rug and covering the entire expanse of the floor.

There I stood, naked from the waist down, shaking my fists at the sky in agony, wondering why I was cursed with such misfortune. At this very moment, I could've been atop Jackie, humping and pumping my pelvis into hers like some terrible vulgar cowboy. Instead, I was standing in a festering bathroom, up to my ankles in gallons of shit-water.

If I was still going to carry on with the evening, I had to clean up this mess and regain my composure so I could rejoin the evening meal that was still in progress. I opened the small bathroom closet and from the shelves, yanked every towel, rag, shower cap, or anything else that I suspected could sop up liquid. Everything I grabbed went straight to the floor and I began soaking up the vile soup. When everything I had taken from the closet was soaked, I ripped down the shower curtain, used every roll of toilet paper, snatched the designer monogrammed hand towels from the rack, and even removed my shirt and sport jacket and threw them on the soaked floor. Finally, I had expunged every soakable resource from the bathroom, and the floor was dry at last. I stood and with a sigh of relief, knew that I had saved the day once again.

That's when I realized that I was, in fact, completely naked (and erect). I scoured the floor for my clothes but I knew upon finding them that they were completely ruined. I carefully searched the bathroom for anything I could use to cover my indecent body... a fresh towel... a bathing suit... a bathrobe... even a nightgown would be sufficient enough to sneak out of the bathroom and into Ted's room to "borrow" a suit. I found nothing... That's when I noticed the window above the bathtub.

As I sped away in my old Chevy, sitting naked on the ripped springy bench-seat, I hoped my friend wouldn't be too mad that I'd lost his new sport jacket. I was also quite frustrated that yet another maiden had slipped from my grasp. I seriously doubted I'd hear from her again after her parents hired a locksmith to open the bathroom door and found the heinous disaster I'd left on their nice tiled floor. The shattered window probably wouldn't score me any points either. Fucking lunch-salad.