Johnny's Girl

The question was, would anyone try to stop me?

Maybe that’s why I did it.

No. I had to stop that thought, because I knew it was a lie.

I stared down at my outspread feet gripping the rails of the train tracks, feeling selfish. My feet almost looked bare.

I felt the first vibrations that shook the tracks. The train was a mere half a mile away at that point. The oversized couple standing to my right, hadn’t noticed me-yet. I wasn’t sure if they would.

For a second, I imagined what would happen if no one looked up; if no one noticed my presence on the train tracks.

The thought was scary in an exhilarating kind of way, the kind that makes the adrenaline rush through your brain making your muscles and mind euphoric. It was the kind of rush I had been looking for. Somewhat.

Was that the reason?

No. My mind repeated again, that was a lie too.

The whistle rang off in the distance, and I saw the first glimpses of smoke rising in the air.

I clasped my hands behind my back in a lax gesture. I wasn’t sure what would happen, but my hands enjoyed the small distraction from my pending doom- that is- if it actually happened.

I told myself to stop thinking that way.

After the first ring, two or three people looked up to find me standing there. It was quite a surprise, my presence had escaped their notice before.

The first tall man looked at me as if I were a apparition, confusion spreading over his face. The small newspaper falling a bit from his hand, however, didn’t deter him from taking the paper and bruntly turning around. He looked disgusted more than concerned.

One Down

Two more people stared at me as if I had lost my mind. They didn’t turn like the man before, instead they stood frozen as if no action could jolt their legs of the stupor.

Two more down

That question again. Would anyone try to stop me?

My hope faded slightly, sending tingles down my spine and up my neck.

Wasn’t this what I wanted? I asked myself.

No. and another time. Lies-All Lies.

Why couldn’t I face it?

I looked down as the tracks violently shook; five six minutes at most.

More faces in the crowd started to turn in my direction, a quiet murmur rising around the stupified. The train, moments away. They probably thought I’d move when the train drew near, keeping them in suspense until the last moment. Yeah right, if they only knew.

4 minutes . . .

It was a test, it was all a test. No-a game-a game that I wanted to play with them, and perhaps someone else. There was only one way to win it. The other option-well-let’s just say there would be lots of blood and crushed bones involved.

Both options sucked.

They all looked at me as if I were crazy, before I heard someone shout, "Hey! What are you doing!" Then followed closely by another, "Your crazy man! Get off the tracks!"

Still, no movement.

3 minutes

These people. Ha. It made me laugh inside. As if I needed to prove there pathetic little existence meant a damn. What did I want to prove? That they had courage?

No, for the last time it was not about that either.

I knew what this was about, I just couldn’t face it. That was part of playing the game. It all came into the same worthless hand of old cards, and I’ve got nothing but sevens, fives, and a duce.

2 minutes

The honey, where is the honey. That sweet soft luxury that knew me by name. That, alone, could stop me. The thought made my tongue stroke over my bleeding lips, ravenous for more.

1 minute

The tracks rattled like uproaring prisoner’s in their cell. Still, not one person came forth. A feeling spread though me again; no one would.

The question: Would anyone try to stop me?

30 Seconds

The answer was no.

The train grew larger in it’s final approach to the station, it’s whistle becoming more frantic with each passing moment. It was too late for the train to stop, and to late for me to turn back. It wasn’t a game of chicken, they would know that if they went in my mind.

20 seconds

I closed my eyes afraid to face my fate

19 seconds

Would anyone come?

18 seconds

The murmurs grew louder, but were drowned by another loud whistle.

17seconds

My bladder felt like it might explode from entensity.

16 seconds

My breathing intensified

15seconds

It was hard to hold on to the tracks now. I fought against the impulse to move.

14 seconds

13 seconds

12 seconds,

The burning from the acid twirled over my esophagus.

11 seconds,

I pictured her face one last time.

10 seconds

All hope left was forgotten.

9 seconds,

My dead body would be lying on the tracks in a mere instance from now.

8 Seconds,

A calm quietness swept over my being, feeling numb to it all.

7 seconds,

6 seconds,

Nothing

5 seconds,

Her again . . .

4 Seconds,

Her again . . .

3 seconds

Stop.

That is when I felt a small soft hand reach out and grab my trembling wrist. The warmness contrasted to my cold balled fist, and it felt perfect as well as relieving. My body, just seconds before stiff, now felt loose. I wanted to fall into their arms and scream. Instead a gentle pull led me off the tracks in one swift movement. My thoughts escaped me, giving away all control to whoever was saving me. I didn’t open my eyes, it seemed impossible. Yet, the hand seemed strangely familiar, and I knew that she had come for me at last.

As I stumbled foreword off the track, the train kicked its heals and zoomed where, not milliseconds before, I had been standing. I let out a breath that was being held inside me, and collapsed to the ground.

I struggled at the hand now, still not wanting to look up, however it was too strong to let me go. She knew what was in my soul.

Then, she slowly knelt before me, her honey colored hair whisping past her face on the wind. Those hazel eyes barred into me like the last time I’d seen her.

Yes, I thought the last statement was true. This was my goal all along. My true desire was her. Lifting up my hand- the one she was not holding- I touched her soft smooth cheek once again. I stroked slowly letting her skin linger on my fingertips. Perhaps, this would be the last time I would touch her like this. Wanting to make it last, my eyes averted to her hair.

"I knew you’d come." I stated. This is all I wanted in the end, and she knew it. She did not immediately respond to my comment, and I knew what she was thinking. She was annoyed with me, that much was certain. Perhaps, more then annoyed, and it broke me inside cause her pain.

"I always do in the end" she replied, a small tear trickling down her cheek. "Look at me."

I was hesitant to do so, what would her eyes say to me?

"Look at me, dammit!"

My hands slipped from her hair as I heard the tone she used.. My head tilted and I finally looked up into her eyes of malice and concern.

"We can’t keep doing this, John." her voice broke as she let out a sob.

"I know," I replied. The tension in the air was too much to stand. The air around me seemed to stick, a tireless fug fogging up my lungs causing harsh breaths to escape me. What would happen next?

I couldn’t look at her anymore, and saying goodbye was to hard. Instead my hands flew over her face one last time, before I heard another train approaching from the opposite side of the tracks. There were many this time of the day.

Then, acting upon the only logical thought to enter my being, I ran towards the next oncoming train. Before she realized what was happening, I was halfway there. There was no chance to turn around and see her face again, not if I wanted to make it there in time.

It was all for her. The hazel eyed honeysuckle of my life. I gave it to her.

We couldn’t keep doing this, she was right. I was the problem, and I would remedy that. She was always the strong one, and now it was finally my turn.

No one could stop me. No one tried. The only person that I knew would have, was too stunned to do anything. Her face charred in my memory, it always would, but it was different now. It was sad. It was devastation.

The last resounding sound I heard in my ear, was another loud train whistle and a distant girl with honey hair shouting at me "Stop."

Too late-To late.