Jabberwocky: The Threequel

Jabberwocky the Threequel: The Short Story That Went Too Far

"What should we do?" asked Fredrico.

"Uhh…I think we should leave!" said Phil frantically.

"That would be a logical conclusion. But HOW do you propose we leave?"

"Uhh…Over there!"

"Where?!?"

"There!"

"You’re not gesturing, so I can’t tell where you want me to go!"

Phil jerked his head.

"Stop pointing with your chin and use your fingers!" Fredrico yelled.

"I can’t. My fingers went away!"

He held up his hands to show Fredrico his ten stubs.

"How’d that happen? You had all of your fingers a minute ago!"

"It’s a long and embarrassing story. Now let’s just leave the way we came!"

They turned around and ran out of the bathroom. It turned out that the Jabberwockies were quite fast and had a variety of ranged weapons attached to their limbs. FWOOSH! A missile soared over Fredrico’s shoulder.

"Hey! Phil! I’ve decided to change my name to Kevin!"

"Why!"

"Because it takes too long to type Fredrico!"

"Takes who too long to type?"

"The author!"

"Yes. My hand does get quite cramped at times," said an unknown entity in the sky.

"Who are you?" said Phil.

"I’m the narrator. Haven’t you been listening to your conversation?"

"Well, if you’re the narrator then…" Phil started.

Suddenly a chorus of voices yelled from somewhere else, "GET ON WITH IT!"

Phil and Fredr—Wait no! Kevin. Phil and Kevin turned a corner and ran into one of the classrooms. They locked the door so the Jabberwockies couldn’t get in.

"Whoa! Okay…why do they have missiles attached to them?"

"Well, they are born with five different weapons attached to them, but an adult Jabberwocky can have up to as much as twenty-seven."

"Twenty-seven. That’s kind of a lot. So…how are we going to escape now? The Jabberwockies have us cornered and they know of our plan. I’m not sure we stand much of a chance."

"Well, there’s a window right there."

"But we’re way too high up to make the jump."

"Not if we make a parachute out of classroom materials."

"How are we going to do that? There’s no cloth or fabrics in here. Just…paper. So much paper…"

"We have our clothes."

"Uhh…no. I’ll stay clothed, thank you."

"So you’d rather be captured by the Jabberwockies? Do you know what the Jabberwockies do to their captives? They fart on them. I know, I know, real mature right? But it hurts. A lot. Their farts are like tiny rectal bombs! They explode in your face and leave you scarred for life. Mentally and physically. The sheer shockwave could break your nose, let alone crush your eyeballs! You’d rather suffer that than jump out a window naked?" Phil said, for some reason in a Scottish accent.

"Yeah, probably."

Suddenly the glass window on the door shattered and a Jabberwocky stuck his head through and made a stupid sound like, "SKNORFFFF!" Its neck started to extend so its gaping maw could reach Kevin. In utter fear and desperation Kevin jumped from the window, forgetting, or perhaps just not feeling like, undressing himself. The odd thing is, he survived the landing. But he was quite messed up. When he landed his legs went into the ground and his head went into his stomach. After coiling up, he launched from the spot twelve feet into the air. He landed with a THUD and fell over. Phil followed after. Now that they were outside they just had to escape the grasp of the Jabberwockies.

"Where should we go?" asked Kevin.

"We should go as far south as possible," said Phil.

"Why south?"

"Because the Jabberwockies can only survive in cold conditions. If it gets too warm they will literally melt and cease to live. You see, Jabberwockies are just a frozen fluid. They can only maintain their solid form if the temperature is cold enough. Anything above that will make their structure expand and melt into their original liquid form."

"So…If we could heat up the Muck then we might be able to destroy it?"

"Well…I…that may actually work. But where will we get all of the heat to melt him…it?"

"Uhh…using a lot of blow driers might work."

"Aha! In that case, to my mom’s house!"said Phil excitedly.

***

They arrived at Phil’s mom’s house ten minutes later. Phil opened the door and called, "Oh mother! Doth thou have any blow driers for us?"

"Oh no! I thought you left for good! What could you possibly want?" his mother yelled…uhh…madly.

"Err…we need a bunch of blow driers to get rid of an evil force that plagues the school."

"Oh! Well, in that case I have plenty!"

So his mother supplied them with twenty blow driers. They decided they would each carry ten. They equipped themselves and set off for the school.

***

By the time they got to the school it was getting dark. It would soon become hard to see, especially in the low-light conditions of the interior. They went in through the main entrance and into the main hallway, where all of the main rooms were. They trekked down to the basement bathroom where the Muck was. None of the Jabberwockies were there. They could hear each other’s breath as they walked through the corridors. The soft squeaking of their shoes only became louder as they progressed further from the main entrance. The weight of the blow driers was getting to be burdensome just as they approached their destination.

"Get your blow driers ready," Phil said to Kevin.

On the count of three they stormed in, hair driers blazing. Only to find that the Muck wasn’t there.

"Uhh…the Muck…where’d it go?" Kevin said quizzically.

"I…uhh…didn’t know it was a mobile evil force," Phil said. They searched around stupidly until they were convinced they had gone to the wrong school.

"Let’s split up and search for the Muck. If you find it…uhh…yell," Kevin said.

So they split up and went their separate ways. From here I’ll tell their individual stories and encounters with the Muck and the like. First, I’ll describe Kevin’s accounts after they split up.

***

Kevin decided to search the top floor for the Muck. The top floor was relatively clean and bright compared to the dark and dank underworld of the basement. He didn’t expect to find any Muck, but he obviously had to search to look like he was doing something. He wasn’t sure if he would know if it was Muck or not, but there was one obvious tell-tale sign. The Muck. If there was a giant pile of goop then it would be safe to say that he had found it. But he wasn’t sure if there were any signs of Muck nearby. So he would just aimlessly wander until he stumbled upon something useful. He was pondering this when he did stumble upon something useful. A dead Jabberwocky. Well, you couldn’t really tell what it was, but based on Phil’s description it looked like a melted Jabberwocky to him.

It was basically a big, blue-black puddle of warm sludge. No, not sludge, fluid. All of its discernable features, scarce as they were, were completely gone. His "homemade" weapons also melted, which was weird. Kevin contemplated this oddity, but didn’t notice the Jabberwocky sneaking up on him. The Jabberwocky grabbed his shoulder and Kevin made a stupid, surprised face, like anyone would. Like when your eyes open as wide as they can and your mouth makes a really stupid shape. But this would look quite disgusting if you looked at it for a long time in a picture. Anyways the Jabberwocky dragged him to the ground and placed its butt slightly above Kevin’s face. A low, menacing growl brewed inside of the beast’s belly. Suddenly a shockwave so immense, so huge, so powerful, that several of Kevin’s teeth came out and his eyebrows were singed off. The Jabberwocky, noticing that Kevin’s skull hadn’t caved in, made a stupid face and an angry sound like, "KAAAAHHHHHNNNNNN!" Then it reloaded and prepared to fart again when Kevin stuck a blow drier between its legs and turned it on to full power. The Jabberwocky melted from the crotch outward. Kevin got up. A Jabberwocky could mean that the Muck was close. He turned a corner and screamed at the horror show in front of him.

***

Phil was going to explore the middle floor in hope of finding the Muck. Phil knew all about signs about nearby Muck and Jabberwockies. But what he didn’t know was what to do when you turn a corner and your face plants itself directly into a Jabberwocky’s rear. Well, he did that, and the blast was so strong that his eyeballs went into his mouth and back into their sockets. He collapsed like a stick onto the ground and the Jabberwocky came back for a second round. The second blast turned Phil’s tongue into a fine powder and his teeth into a thick cream. He was pretty sure that his cranium had a dent in it and all his hair had singed off. He stood up and the Jabberwocky left to go to the bathroom. Phil turned around to see Kevin. Kevin screamed like a girl.

"Ruh-ruh-ruh ruh ruh?" Phil tried to say.

"I…uhh…I do regularly bathe," Kevin said.

"RUH! Ruh ruh, ruh-ruh, ruh!"

"I’m sorry. I’ve sold them all."

Phil became very mad and refused to say more on the subject, (although the subject was unknown to anybody but him) and they continued their search for Muck. They didn’t really search much so they had to analyze the rest of the building to find the Muck.

As they were walking through a hall the floor collapsed beneath them and they landed in a small room where the Muck had constructed its nest. Kevin landed safely on the floor, but Phil landed deep in the Muck.

"No! Save yourself!" he yelled as Kevin extended his arm.

"I won’t leave you behind! That would be really mean. And I wouldn’t want to be mean to you because we’re in this together…Now would be a good time for a musical number…Ohhhhhh!

If you find yourself in a predicament

Then you should just grab a pickle

But if your face falls off and your

Bunions rot then just

Massage your scapula!!!!!!!!!!

"Say, that doesn’t rhyme!" Kevin realized. But it was too late. Phil had vanished into the netherworld.

"Oh snap! Now what do I do? You know, my dialogue has become increasingly unintelligent. What gives?"

The Muck unsuspectingly grew tentacles and yanked Kevin towards its maw.

"You got any toothpaste?" said the Muck in a gravely voice.

"Umm…yes. I do. Would you like it?"

"Well yes I would. My dentist told me that I was at risk of getting gingivitis. Gimme!"

Kevin gave him the toothpaste and the Muck brushed his teeth. (I don’t know how) The Muck made a weird noise like a purring cat with diarrhea and he evaporated into fine particulates that would never bother anybody forever. Got it?

FIN(forever)