Is Your Self-Esteem Costing You a Great Relationship?

The first time the idea that I might have low self-esteem was mentioned to me, I instantly dismissed it as a possibility; after all, I had my own successful business, I dated a lot, I owned my own home, I drove a new car, I was attractive and fit. How could all that possibly point to a self-esteem issue?

I was in for quite the personal-growth journey, as it turned out; I was to discover that no only did I have a self-esteem issue, I actually had low self-esteem about having low self-esteem!

Boy, I had some work to do.

I wanted to do the work, though, because I’d already been through one divorce, and I knew in my heart that if I didn’t change what I was doing - how I was being, really - I’d just be in that same boat again, only with a different man.

What did low self-esteem look like, in my life?

• I continually attracted men who were not able to give me what I wanted - they were not completely available to me (emotionally distant, worked all the time, not yet divorced, etc.).
• I defined my "okay-ness" by what I accomplished and produced. It was a case of "me PLUS what I gave/did/took care of equaled good enough to love".
• Once I actually learned how to understand what I was feeling, I saw that I was often trying to control circumstances as a way to maintain my feeling of being safe. Of course what I was producing with that behavior was the exact opposite of what I was looking for; not only was I not safe, I continued to manifest more situations where I felt worse, not better (such as men who weren’t available).

Does any of this sound familiar? Is this describing you?

If it does, not to worry; there’s a huge number (and growing) of women who are experiencing these sorts of things in their lives because their self-esteem isn’t optimal (notice I didn’t say "perfect" – another self-esteem "trap"!).

So what’s a gal to do?

There are two areas that need focus, for this situation to change in a positive way:

1) A decision needs to be made that you love and accept yourself as you are, and
2) Any behaviors and habits that are not in alignment with that decision have to be changed.

The Decision

It may sound too simple, but the fact is that you can make up your mind that you are worthy of love and acceptance, just as you are. It won’t "feel" like the truth; your old story that you’re not enough X yet, or too much X now, is what feels true to you. Whatever you tell yourself most often is what your mind adopts as true.

That’s the good news and the bad news.

Good news: you can change your "truth" by telling yourself something new, over and over and over, until it anchors as the truth.

Bad news: it won’t give up the old "truth" easily; you’ve got to be committed to this process, in order for it to work.

The Action

This is where the "rubber meets the road", really - you can’t think a new thought and still engage in habits and behaviors that fortify your low self-esteem, and have that new thought shift anything in your life. The old way will still always win, so you’ve got to have integrity between what you say, what you think, and what you do in order to get any traction moving forward, toward feeling good about yourself.

What are you currently doing (or not doing) that’s contributing to your self-esteem being less than you want? This is an important evaluation to make - please do it. It may take courage to look at the truth, but as the old saying goes, "the truth will set you free".

With a Little Help from Your Friends

None of us gets where we want to in life by doing it alone. Here are some ways you can set up an effective structure of support:

• ask a good friend to keep you on track (caution: make sure this friend is willing to hold you to your commitments, and won’t soften on you when the going gets tough);
• find a coach to hold you to your commitments;
• find a book or course that outlines steps to take, and buddy up with someone to go through it together.

If you want to live a life you love - with people you love, who love you back, then it’s time for you to make decisions, and create action plans, that will put you on the right path.

You deserve it!

Want to find out if your self-esteem is in the way of having the life you really want? Find out with this complimentary assessment: Self-Esteem Assessment.

Ready for some powerful, effective (and fun!) help to end up in a scrumptious relationship with a man who is great for you? Please visit: TheHeartMatters. Find out how Karen Jones can partner you the way she's successfully partnered with hundreds of women over the last dozen years to find, and keep, satisfying committed relationships.