Ira the Bomb
A longish short story from the author of The Door, dripping with irony and sarcasm just the way you all like it! JOHN.
Once upon a time, on the far away planet of Yosh, a scientist in the nation of Ju made a couple bombs. Not just any bombs, mind you, but super bombs that could blow up a city 10 square miles wide! The bombs could only be made in groups of 2s and it took a long time. By the time the bombs were finished, the war that the bombs had been intended for was long over. The scientist sarcastically named the bombs Ira and Iro, both named for the irony of their unnecessary power.
The government, (since, although they did win, the victory had been bloody and somewhat slight) decided to blow up Iro anyway. The plan was to demonstrate how the war could have gone, and besides, that big glowing red button looked pretty damn good. They demonstrated its power on an abandoned ghost town in front of a party of other world leaders (standing a dozen miles away of course) and even they were amazed. Only tiny test bombs had been blown up before, this was exciting! Wildlife for miles around was utterly destroyed. The smoke rose and the crater was hundreds of feet deep. Yay! At the meeting, they casually mentioned they had another one and that the scientist was at work on making more powerful, ones that could be mass produced.
None of the other nations had anything comparable to this! When they got home, all the other nations came to the same conclusion. They could not invent a bomb like that, at least not quickly. It would take decades! All the generals, convinced that another war would soon start, decided the best course of action would be to steal Ira and reverse engineer it for themselves. They of course, in their power hungry greed, never thought of killing and/or capturing the scientist. They of course could not know the bomb would take at least a decade to replicate, let alone customize or improve. But as ignorant as they were, it’s quite possible not even a 9 year who was actually paying attention could predict what was coming next.
The scientist finished the new bombs far ahead of the expected schedule, all twice as powerful as Iro. Not only that, they could make a dozen a day!
"But what about the old one?" The security guards who had been staring at their big red button for a few years now thought the notion of not blowing up the stupid thing was out of the question. The top Ju general actually thought about it. "Hmmmm…. Yes they are that dumb. I make arrangements immediately."
The very next day Ju held a press conference, and they did something you usually never do at press conferences. They told the truth. "We have finished our new project and now have no use for the old, unstable prototype. We will evacuate the facility effective immediately. If you all want it, go and get it."
"No, no, I’m sure they were bluffing. Me? I’m convinced that they want us to walk in and ambush us, and keep it for themselves. Yes, we know for sure the bomb’s still there. Yeah, they didn’t even try to move it, the arrogant fools! The plan? We bring our finest troops in and take it! We’ll win this time!"
When the other army got there, they found the place empty and all that the Ju army left behind was Ira and a note that read "So close, and yet, so far."
The victorious Ju defense force consisted of only three soldiers, all 11 miles away. The supervisor, a guy with binoculars, and the lucky son of a gun that got to push the button once the other army got there.
The government, (since, although they did win, the victory had been bloody and somewhat slight) decided to blow up Iro anyway. The plan was to demonstrate how the war could have gone, and besides, that big glowing red button looked pretty damn good. They demonstrated its power on an abandoned ghost town in front of a party of other world leaders (standing a dozen miles away of course) and even they were amazed. Only tiny test bombs had been blown up before, this was exciting! Wildlife for miles around was utterly destroyed. The smoke rose and the crater was hundreds of feet deep. Yay! At the meeting, they casually mentioned they had another one and that the scientist was at work on making more powerful, ones that could be mass produced.
None of the other nations had anything comparable to this! When they got home, all the other nations came to the same conclusion. They could not invent a bomb like that, at least not quickly. It would take decades! All the generals, convinced that another war would soon start, decided the best course of action would be to steal Ira and reverse engineer it for themselves. They of course, in their power hungry greed, never thought of killing and/or capturing the scientist. They of course could not know the bomb would take at least a decade to replicate, let alone customize or improve. But as ignorant as they were, it’s quite possible not even a 9 year who was actually paying attention could predict what was coming next.
The scientist finished the new bombs far ahead of the expected schedule, all twice as powerful as Iro. Not only that, they could make a dozen a day!
"But what about the old one?" The security guards who had been staring at their big red button for a few years now thought the notion of not blowing up the stupid thing was out of the question. The top Ju general actually thought about it. "Hmmmm…. Yes they are that dumb. I make arrangements immediately."
The very next day Ju held a press conference, and they did something you usually never do at press conferences. They told the truth. "We have finished our new project and now have no use for the old, unstable prototype. We will evacuate the facility effective immediately. If you all want it, go and get it."
"No, no, I’m sure they were bluffing. Me? I’m convinced that they want us to walk in and ambush us, and keep it for themselves. Yes, we know for sure the bomb’s still there. Yeah, they didn’t even try to move it, the arrogant fools! The plan? We bring our finest troops in and take it! We’ll win this time!"
When the other army got there, they found the place empty and all that the Ju army left behind was Ira and a note that read "So close, and yet, so far."
The victorious Ju defense force consisted of only three soldiers, all 11 miles away. The supervisor, a guy with binoculars, and the lucky son of a gun that got to push the button once the other army got there.
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