Infidelity Quickie #8: Cheated Three Times - Who's In Control?

Learn from these real life extramarital affair coaching scenarios.

In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one's spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The "offended spouse" says:

IMPACT --- * FEEL INFERIOR, LESS OF A MAN, BEATEN, A FOOL. * USED * BETRAYED * SAD --- CHANGE --- * NO FAITH IN MARRIGE OR WEMON * BROKEN HEART (X3) THAT MAY NEVER HEAL * NO TRUST FOR MY WIFE --- SPENDING TIME --- * EXCERCISE/WIEGHT LIFTING/TAKING CARE OF MYSELF * CONSTANT SURVEILANCE; CELL PHONE BILLS/COMPUTER * PONDERING LIFE WITH A REAL COMPANION. This is the third time I have been cheated on. My current wife an I are still together but it is not the same. She wants me to forgive her. She has no idea what this has done to me. I am a good looking and successful man, yet she had a fling anyway with another married man at the urging of whom were once her friends. She is not capable of taking care of herself. In fact she was fired for lack of performance and "misuse" of the internet at work. This was most likely the e-mails she was exchanging with the other man. Her former employer liked me very much; however, they had their reasons to fire her. She is now a house wife now. I feel she is waiting for Mr.Wonderful ($) to come along a rescue her. In the meantime I have developed an insecurity problem and am trying to deal with this the best I can. I think she really does love me but she does this because she can't help it. Time will tell. I don't think I have control of this one.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach

Acknowledge that fact that you offer a tremendous amount of stability, something which most likely is very attractive to her.

Acknowledge the fact that she has some underlying problem (a history which includes abuse? Or a history in which others overindulged her but were emotionally absent?)

List 10 things you want in a good marital relationship.

Section 3: What the affair means for the "offended spouse" and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

I want you to know that a part of me considers leaving this relationship. I think of what it must be like to be with someone I know will be there, is consistent and expresses care and concern for me.

I will no longer tolerate your "playing" and then coming back to me for forgiveness.

If you really did what you did (3 times) and believe you "can’t help it," a condition for the continuance of this relationship is you getting professional help. I don’t want to live this way, and I assume you do not either.

I will support you as you grow personally, as you face "your problem." If you choose not to go that route, I believe the part of me that wants out of this relationship will get stronger.

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don't hold back. Then, ask yourself, "What does this marital mean for ME?" What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

About the author:
Dr. Huizenga, the Infidelity Coach, offers infidelity help and relationship advice for coping with extramarital affairs and marital infidelity at: Break Free-From-the-Affair.com and Infidelity-help.com. Get articles and free downloads on emotional infidelity, coping with infidelity, the cheating spouse, signs of an affair, surviving infidelity and more.