I'm Sorry

I'm sorry mom.
I'm sorry I'm alive. I'm sorry you have to deal with me everyday. I'm sorry I point out your flaws. I'm sorry I asked you to stop drinking. I'm sorry I asked you to please get better. I'm sorry I asked you to do all those things that you didn't want to do, like drive me to and from places when I could've walked or taken a bus.
I'm sorry I hurt you mom. I'm sorry for all the tears I made come from your eyes.
I'm sorry that when you're drunk I get angry. I'm sorry that I cry when you walk by and smell of smoke. I'm sorry it hurts me so much to see you doing these things to yourself.
I'm sorry I care. I'm sorry I wanted things I didn't deserve.
I'm sorry I love you, mom, and I'm sorry that I always will.

I'm sorry dad.
you were my best friend.
I'm sorry for all the times I made you cry...
because every tear that fell from your eyes hurt me a thousand times inside.
I'm sorry I'm not a good daughter. I'm sorry I didn't turn out to be 'daddy's little girl.' I'm sorry I hurt myself so many times after I told you I'd stopped.
I'm sorry I can't live up to your expectations
I'm sorry I can't have those dreams you wished for me.
I'm sorry I'm crying because I know it hurts you
Everytime I hurt myself it had nothing to do with you. You are the one thing in my life that is good.
I'm sorry I'm not good for you.

I'm sorry Daphne.
I'm sorry we never knew each other.
I'm sorry I have no clue who you are.
I'm sorry that I'm not a good sister.
I'm sorry we could never be friends.

I'm sorry to myself.
Because I've let her down.
I'm sorry to her because I'm not thin enough or pretty enough to be loved by anyone besides my father and my sober mother and sometimes my sister.
I'm sorry to her that they were the only ones who loved me - and they're forced to because they're family.
I'm sorry to myself because I've let her down.
I've stuck razors in her arms just to watch the blood or try to be noticed by anyone at all.
I'm sorry to myself because I don't know who she is.
I'm sorry I'm not good enough for all the expectations I set for myself.
I'm sorry to myself because I'll never touch the moon.
I'm sorry to myself that I've never been able to be thin enough or athletic enough or spunky and fun enough.
I'm sorry to myself for being such a freak and never being able to fit in with anyone else.
I'm sorry to myself because I've never had any good friends who didn't leave me in the end.
I'm sorry to myself because I've never even had an imaginary friend.

I'm sorry Big Beary,
the stuffed brown bear half the size of me
that has soaked up all the tears that have ever poured down my face.
I'm sorry Big Beary that I could only share sadness with you and not laughs
I'm sorry that I wish you to be real. I'm sorry that I wish you to stay stuffed and never become real because I know if you did you would walk away from me like everyone else does.
I'm sorry Big Beary that I need you with me so that I can fall asleep
I'm sorry you've seen me in my worst conditions.
I'm sorry you didn't get to go home with a better girl
who didn't have as many problems as I.

I'm sorry to the world.
Because I've littered.
And I've swore.
And I've broken the rules
and I've lied to most everyone I know
I'm sorry I'm being honest now
I know its better to hear the lie.
I'm sorry you've had to listen to my horrible suffering cry
for such long a time.

I'm sorry Death.
I've courted you many times in the past
but I've never fully came through with the deal
this time you won't be dissapointed
Death you're my only comfort in this hell
Even if Hell is real and I end up there once i'm dead
I know that I can endure physical pain for eternity
if I don't ever have to deal again with
these stupid emotions or these stupid tears.
I'm sorry Death but I'm coming now.

I'm sorry Life...
I've gone to Death.