If Only - Chapter Thirty Three (Part C)

The rain had stopped.
Coming home never had me felt this mortified. Though I was standing calmly inside the bus, my thoughts rattled among various matters - I was stoned, and the reason wasn't as foolish as I had before.

I stared at the foggy window, thoroughly scanned the seemingly humid air outside - earthy scent, clean, foggy blue sky, those clammy electricity poles and street benches. I drank in those trivial things, and wondered whether it would feel the same anywhere - whether I would stay the same anywhere.
He too, must have thought such a chicken I was, and those who despised my existence would be in absolute virtue when I finally disappeared. To be honest, deep within, I didn't want that.
I didn't want them to think that they won - whatever the competition was. I wanted to be there, staring at each of their eyes' to prove them that I ain't running anywhere, therefore I was hoping for another chance.
Sadly, no one gave me any.

Eventually, I had to agree with my parents' decision, whether I liked it or not.
Before, I was oppressed by the feeling of fear-fear of losing - now that, with or without me avoiding it, they still would come to get me anyway, and thus there wouldn't be reason to hide or run anymore, because like now, those efforts would just end in vain.

To think that I'd been trampled because of some silly matter, what, because they said that I cheated on my boyfriend, huh?
Or should I explain to my new school that I was expelled because I had a part-time job? That would be the lamest joke.
And what, because I laid my fist on a bitch? I could be country's greatest hero!

I sighed-
I tilted my head to the side and looked around.
Russel stood next to me, his gaze laid on the street the same way I did before.
I watched him, and thought - how long have I known this guy? He has been around for some time.
His presence which still counted as new for me how could he be part of this?

He thought me bravery, he acknowledged my independency and he was the one told me to toughen up whenever I felt down.
This had been absurd, when Tyler supposed to be the one to have done all those things.
Wasn't this part of the reason why I couldn't tell him everything? Because he forgot his role, he didn't seem to care about those things and did only what he thought what's best - like protecting me.
How could he, when he had absolutely no idea where the root of trouble itself was.

And I didn't need any of that, protecting stuff or whatever. I didn't need perfection, and I didn't want what's best. I wanted, what I wanted. And I didn't want to do it because it was what's best, it should be because I wanted it, that made it best.
I was not the same with girls he had been with before.
But then again, how would he know what I wanted? I never told him.
It wasn't like every people had frightening ability to guess what's been on one's mind.

Staring at a person too long perhaps would make that person eventually felt self-conscious. Russel did.
He craned his neck a bit so now our eyes met.
He arched his brows as if virtually asked me what had gone wrong.
I shook my head and quickly looked away, tiptoeing - a habit whenever I stood too long.

Ok. I take back what I just said - there was a person who had frightening skill to guess what's been on one's mind.
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At dawn we arrived to my neighborhood, finally inhaled the humid air.
The road was damp and slippery after the rain and our steps sounded like a drag. Walking in silence used to make me feel awkward - you know, that kind of nervous feeling that forced you to think of something to say until it brought you to the verge of sweat, but it couldn't have been any better than silence for now.
I felt, a little too comfortable with our surroundings to the point of not knowing that we had reached the front of my house.
"Samantha!" My Mom ran towards us.

Mom and Dad apparently had waited for my arrival, such worried look on each of their faces. And I realized there was an addition as well. My shoulder fell and suddenly I felt exhausted.
"Where have you been?!"- It was like the ravings of worried parents which slowly transformed into something which sounded indistinct - like a muffled voice, when I set my eyes onto one particular spot, the spot where the hollowness came from.
I didn't wish to meet him at any time soon. Not now. Not ever.

Although I was sure that my heart might wish for the otherwise, but, his presence only made me feel insecure. His presence really had this impact of making me all yearning but at the same time it was too frightening to take a step closer that I was stuck.
I didn't want to hear what he got to say. Not a single word.
I swallowed.

"-Russel, right?" My Mom patted his head, sobbing. "Thank you for bringing her back."
"No sweat, Ma'am," His word seemed to sound a bit lighthearted, but once I turned to look, his face wasn't one to mirror his tone. His eyes were looking straight forward, and his figure seemed to turn a teeny bit convulsive. This serious expression of his wasn't one I'd ever encountered.

"Thanks for taking care of her," Dad half-heartedly said, "-but it's getting late, you should go home."
I tried to avoid eye contact with Tyler, but my eyes betrayed me. Curious, I glanced at him and our eyes met. I shut my mouth tight, grinding my teeth as I looked away.
He didn't change. Only his hair got longer, slight and thin, almost unseen beard grew along his jaw line.
He looked unkempt, and I hated it the way I still thought that he looked as alluring even with that appearance, even after he tossed my heart and torn it.

"I guess I should," Russel said. "After all it seems like there's going to be uh, important gathering," He added with a cold, sarcastic tone still staring straight forward, staring at Tyler and be stared back, "-hope he won't screw up this time," He sighed, muttering to himself. "Let's see if he can be any use."
When he turned his heels, I tugged the hem of his shirt. Glancing at Tyler and afraid to look at his eyes, I bowed my head profusely. I felt the warmth of Russel's hands holding on mine. I looked up and saw my reflection on his cold green eyes as he told me, "Consider my request," His voice became so much gentle than the previous one, I frowned - which request? "-regardless," He seemed quite distant before with a sad face he continued, "I will do everything I can." I felt helpless.

With Tyler standing just three feet away from me made me feel helpless. It was like, of course, I'd been so fun to toy around. I was, after all, a willing prey right?
Look at me right now. I was about to be hurt again, but instead of running, I was dead stuck here, shivering.
This had been hysterical, and I didn't want to be part of it.

Russel hesitantly leaned forward, his shadow seemed to engulf my existence with his body towering mine. He looked like he was about to do something with my forehead, but he extended his hand instead, missing my hair, which got to be the wrong move - because instead of making me feel in comfort, it brought me closer to the verge of overflowing tears.

That idiot.

I watched his back as he walked home, in mind trying to ignore Tyler's presence.
My Mom rounded my shoulders with her arm, and gave me a knowing look, as if she tried to say "You can get through this."

I sighed. I had no choice but to talk to him, had I?
My heels turned in a lazy drag, walking behind my parents I tried to make a hard face. In this mere distance, I took the remaining time trying to strengthen my heart, freeze it, and acted as if I didn't have one.
That was the only way I could endure talking face to face with him - the only, possible way, yet another layer of wall to prevent from hurting.

"He's been here the entire day." My Mom told me, she turned slightly to look at me from over her tiny shoulder, and said, "So you should try to be easy on him."
I looked at my shoes, rubbing my arm nervously, "It depends."

There we stood, stiff and awkward.
My parents persuaded us to talk alone, to clear misunderstandings, when there was no such thing as misunderstandings.
"You are expelled," He finally said.
I grew quiet. It was obvious - he needn't to ask me just to clarify.
"This is what you mean by I'd feel foolish once I know the truth?" -it was a monologue, then. I remembered I told him that. I wish he did.
I saw him shaking his head in disbelief, "You are horrible."
I decided to have less conversation, but his last words seemed to hit my offensive part. Me?
Me, horrible? Which part of me was horrible besides being ugly?!
I would love to hear that.

"Well, am I?" -knowing it would turn out this way, I would have just refused to talk to him.
"I'm a dishonest person, you see. I thought you hate talking with one?" I began to step further into the entrance of my house.
He stopped me by grabbing my arm, and yanked me. Both his hands now were clutching on my sleeves, with his disheveled chestnut hair in view, his head lowered.
By the time he finally looked at me, his eyes seemed pleading those pair of hazel eyes which I could stare at forever.
"Do you hate me that much?" He sounded frustrated, "If so, why would you want to go out with me?"
"Have I done intolerable mistake that you punish me now?"
His voice trembled as well as his hands which gripped tightly on my sleeves. My head went blank. I'd run out of words of what to say.

"I am sorry for making you feel humiliated, sorry that I couldn't do anything about it." He looked up at me. "But I wouldn't know if you didn't tell me anything." His eyes looked red, I was scared. I was afraid he would cry. He wouldn't, would he? I had never in my wildest imagination, saw him this desperate. This part of him, every word he said made my heart clenched in pain.
I knew that, no matter how much I'd tried to trash him out of my heart, would be useless if the feeling remained.
This was hard to tell, even harder to get through. Because even now, deep inside, seeing him like this made me wanted to throw my arms around him and tell him it's going to be okay.
Only it wasn't.

"It's true we've been friends for five years, I know you are interested in photography. I know you went home early every Wednesday and I know you usually went to library twice a day. I know your favorite color, your favorite cakes, foods, your favorite places. But were you the one to cut me off for every question I had, not caring about what I felt?"

"Try to look from my point of view." He whispered, sounded pained.

"...it has been hard for me to restrain my jealousy towards your relationship with Russel - whatever relationship the both of you have. I thought you know him for a short time but he already know too much of you than I already have. And your cryptic behavior like you wanted to completely isolate me from your daily routine, and that part-time job? Why did you take one? And you didn't tell me about it-" -he rattled on, "I thought it's only natural for me to be mad at you."

"Until this morning, I found out that you were expelled-" -he paused, staring at me helplessly, "-are you kidding me?" The voice came out in a whisper, shaking.
"I can't see you at school anymore?"

I gritted my teeth.
No more.
I didn't want to hear anymore.
"You won't be able to meet me anywhere around." I said coldly.

"Don't ever say that." He growled. I was surprised by his somber tone, which had me the urge to look up at him. The moment I met his eyes, I could tell that he already knew the plan.
"You ain't going anywhere, Sam. I wouldn't-"

I gritted my teeth harder. No. I wouldn't let him stop me.
Not when I already this determined.
"Whatever you say Ty," I stomped the ground up to the porch.

Just when I thought it was the end of conversation, a cold hand startled me by grasping my wrist. A cold lips of his smashed on mine roughly, desperately as he snatched me into a tight embrace.
The heat of his face I could feel it on mine.
I told myself, I shouldn't fall deeper into his trap.
But I longed for his kiss. I longed to run my fingers through his hair. My body shivered against my will when I felt his arm wrapped tightly around my waist, his hand cupped my cheek dearly.

I stayed still.
I didn't respond to his kiss. I shouldn't.
It was so hard to keep on doing so.
I was standing there like a rigid rock, and he must have realized it.
Stop kissing me, he pulled out. He stared at me incredulously.

"It's time for you to realize, Ty. I am no good for you," That was my last sentence before I got in my house.
My back leaned against the door, and I cried.
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Comment Replies:

Thanks a lot, especially for Jazzleigh, I dedicated this chapter for you, Hon. Get well soon! Read my comment in my previous chapter, darling. No. You don't need to. I'll make you a copy.

"Oh. My God. I pray to God hoping that you will get well soon Jazzleigh. Be careful, honey. Streets and roadways out there are pretty tough. I know because I've had one myself, remember? Take your meds regularly and have a good rest.

It's okay. You will recover in no time. :) Warm hugs and kiss. By the time you recover, be ready for loads of questions darling. I heard Tyler is your BF now.

And for the brother Juzz,

Excuse me but isn't Tyler your friend? Jazz mentioned it before. They are dating? Talk about fast, Jazzleigh. And as for Tyler, hm. If there was any scar, a single tiny scar on our dear Jazzleigh's skin whether you are the driver or not, you know who's responsible, dude. Ok. I'm just kidding. No sweat.

JK - Good luck for your exams, JK. My best wishes for you. Stay healthy :) and thank you so much (I can't say thank you enough. Lol.)

A Fan - Thank you for voting. But I guess "as soon as possible" was in the highest rank now :(

Shining and Glaxy - Yeah, his bod-drooling* lol always. Tyler always had a bad timing. Oh. Would you like me to post a picture of Julie? Tell me if you want to look at one.

Also thanks for Leslie, Anne, A G Baby, Emma, Nessa, and SummerwinterLuv. I had to post this in a hurry. I will answer your comment until the next chapter guys (wink).