If I Should Die Before I Wake

Things are finally coming apart in our family. The stress is eroding every aspect of our lives. I cannot believe the vast differences in us as opposed to 5 years ago, when this ordeal began. There is no room left except for brutal honesty. I own a big part in the whole process of disintegration. Even after being through such terror and pain, the boys still in part treat this as some video game scenario. They do and say things that frazzle every last nerve in this body. And I react with savagery, telling them how utterly useless and destructive they are.

Yesterday, after having had the security light come on 3 times in the rear garden, we discovered our kitchen window had been pried. And that a rear light had been broken, leaving "hot" wires exposed. I requested that no one touch these items. But Justin did which triggered off another eruption. Neither of them seem to comprehend that this is an active crime scene and these things must be recorded and preserved-untouched, unless safety is an issue. This is just another stressor in an enormous pile of pressures. Like running out in the dark with the intent of catching "him"

We are not sleeping in any normal sense of the word. Strange phone calls, sudden loud noises and the psychic pressure of knowing someone wants to scare and harm us is far too great a burden. Every bone in my body, every muscle aches. The lupus is in full flare as a result of the stress. All of this because an unknown entity decided we were "it".

Unless you've lived this, you can't possibly understand the terrible toll this crime takes on everyone it touches with it's shadowy threatening presence. You can't understand the sense of unreality. The feeling of helpless rage that this should be happening in our country.

Many of you reading this are most likely thinking: well the police are taking care of it. Well, that certainly is true, but you must ultimately defend yourself. Unless you are a "big" name with enough clout to warrant media coverage and high profile attorney's to push the system, you're out of luck. If you assume you're going to have things explained in any significant detail-good luck. If an investigation has a more global reach, you're not going to be given anything, so you're left in the dark with your pursuers.

Then there are those around you, whom you love and care for. They too are impacted by this crime. Their first reactions start out with stunned disbelief, until they are attacked by the stalker. Then the next reaction is a perfectly normal but very hurtful "Why you??" If your stalker(s) are known, this question is rarely asked. But as in our case and many others, the entity is unknown, the question is both insulting and harmful. What the victim hears in this question is, what worth are you to anyone that this should go on so long? It doesn't matter that it's not meant this way, but it does matter how the victims hear it.

The next question/statement causes huge and often irreparable harm: "what have you done?" The truth is stalking victims haven't done a thing to merit their punishment. Stalkers are by nature obssessional bullies-control freaks. Their victims are often chosen because the stalker perceives them as a threat to their established order or for their frailty. The minds behind this criminal behavior are both coldly calculating and sadistic. They get off on the havoc they wreak in others lives.

Often the more highly organized stalker is fully up to date on law enforcement procedurals, and uses them against the victim with great ease. By inducing blind panic and paranoiac reactions, they can sit back and watch a victim destroy every last shred of credibility left them. Which is why it is imperative that long term stalking victims must not knee jerk react out of blind panic.

You must retain and document every single bit of good solid evidence of what you are perceiving. Try and have a contact person or e-mail system where you can periodically transmit these items. There is a huge difference between reporting you heard bumps in the night, and for instance reporting visible evidence of entry and vandalism. The police can only deal with concrete things. You must not call them every single time you "think" you've heard a noise. Unless it's accompanied by a "visual" sighting or evidence, you'll quickly become another "nervous Nelly" to the cops, who will then begin to ignore your pleas for help.

We've avoided these mistakes in large part due to understanding a stalkers mind through extensive research online and through books written by experts. Those of us who picked up a stalker through online venues must be especially aware of a few things. First: local cops are not always the most 'net' savvy people. You start telling them about trojans, blue screens and chat rooms and they get resentful and lost. The High Tech Crimes Unit in your area or the FBI are far more likely to help you get justice. For a first step you can go to AWARE.org and e-mail them for assistance, evaluation and advice on your case.

You can also, if you are being attacked online-computer hacking/crashing, contact CERT first. CERT is the Computer Emergency Response Team from Carnegie Mellon Institute. They interface with DOJ on many emerging threats. The more agencies you contact, the more likely to see justice you'll be.

How do you know you're being attacked?

Your computer may "pull" as you're typing-as if it's resisting you.

Your mouse may move by itself

You may find your security programs disabled or non functional

You may be denied access to sites or to your computer itself

Your computer may crash suddenly and often

Your phones may start sounding weird, with bursts of static followed by sudden cutoff

Your phones may echo

The phone troubles, contrary to what others might tell you, are commonly known as black boxing. It's been used by hackers for a very long time, but don't expect to find this out from law enforcement until they know you've done your homework. Read Cybershock by Dr. Lynn Scwartau or Defeating The Wily Hacker or other newer books to understand what we ALL face online. An educated netizen is a safer web user. And that means that spreading collateral damage gets harder for the predators that hunt the net.

Finally, as an American citizen, I think it's time to implement better more humane ways of dealing with long term stalking damage. We need safety nets. We request Victims Assistance and better communication. We want fair treatment from the Department of Justice. We're doing our part... at great cost, it's time for you to do yours and show a more humane face to those of us (and there are many) who are going through this while you go about your tasks. John F Kennedy once said "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country" I know what I have and am doing for mine. So now I ask you to return the favor. Not just for my family, but all the others out there that might not even begin to deal with this as we have. It is time....