If David Copperfield Were Incontinent

It must really be horrible to be famous and have people wanting a chunk of you. I've always thought of David Copperfield as a well-groomed man of mystery. I also imagined that he would smell good when he wasn't working. If he would smell good on the job you would be able to tell where he was going to be next and that would ruin the entire illusion. He would leave a fragrance trail that could expose the exact path he took to get from Point A to Point B.

I've got a really good sniffer myself. We've got a couple of cats and I can tell as soon as someone takes a leak in one of my VERY clean litter boxes. I am able to detect urine in a baby's diaper within minutes after its appearance. Basically, if David Copperfield was incontinent I could totally destroy some of his phenomenal illusions.

So back to David Copperfield, which is one of those names where you always have to say the first and last names together every time he is referenced. He is not a David and he is not a Mr. Copperfield. But he is very much a David Copperfield, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, much like David Copperfield, I like stuff. I don't have warehouses of stuff like he does, but because I don't have a garage right now I do have a storage unit of stuff.

So the feds have been sifting through David Copperfield's stuff because he is famous and somebody said something crappy about him. From what I have seen on CNN highlights, our international man of mystery has some way cool stuff. Much more cool than my stuff, but there is no way I would want the feds rifling through my stuff either! I would look suspicious for just about any crime they would want to pin on me. I would be a profiler's easiest day at the office.

Hmm, she's got a decapitated Barbie doll. It appears to be one of the originals but why would she have a naked Barbie with chewed off fingers wrapped in one bag and the head wrapped in a totally separate bag?

Hmm, here's a monkey with it's lips colored brighter red than the original lips were intended.

Look at these baby dolls, they all have holes punched in the sides of their heads.

If a stranger looked at my stuff I would come across as a self-maiming baby-mutilator with mommy issues where in reality I am less colorful.

Yeah, Barbie's head is off. She's almost fifty and her neck is shot.

Sure, I tried to recolor my monkey's mouth once its lips faded from me washing it's little monkey face.

Big deal, I tried to pierce my babies' ears. Who hasn't?

But peoples' stuff in storage is private. If there is an investigation going on within David Copperfield's warehouse I don't think it is my business to be invited along in for the once over. If given the opportunity I would gawk and stare and tell my friends everything I saw, but I don't think I should be given the opportunity in the first place. I love my friends dearly, but invite them into my storage unit for a look see? I don't' think so.

Stay strong, David Copperfield. I think it must really suck to be you right now. I've never been in the spotlight to the degree that you have been, in fact the closest I've ever come to a spotlight is the light that goes on when you open the refrigerator door. However, I have had my private life scattered around in a somewhat public manner and it is a miserable thing to have to go through and I can appreciate the tremendous amount of stress that must be in your life right now. I have no words of wisdom to offer you except that this will pass. Perhaps once the authorities are done with your warehouse and you think there is faint urine odor where some chief of something may have whizzed on your biz, call me and I can help you determine the exact site of contamination.

I wrote this late October, 2007. At the time I wrote this DavidCopperfield (one word) was being investigated for allegedly sexually assaulting a young woman in his warehouse. I think the entire thing was just an illusion.