I Love Him, I Love Him Not - 4

All right.

I'm over it now.

Well, not completely over it. But better. There was somebody who commented on my last chapter (which I posted twice? - wtf) who said 'Maybe people don't like you because you try to manipulate them with your words. That's so jacked. Come on now, seriously? I've gotten less comments then that and I still wrote because it's what I love. Toughen up sweetheart. It's pathetic.'

And it made me think.

Sure, the comment hurt me. A lot, actually, since my sister had just thrown the hoover at my head and told me to get out of her life (long story) and I felt like I was pissing everyone off with my mere presence on this earth, but it got me thinking.

I truly am sorry for being such a jerk. It was wrong of me to manipulate you, which was what I did, but honestly, I didn't want it to turn out that way. To me, I was just venting, but I'm sincerely sorry that it came across that way.

And idonlikeselfish, I'm sorry I made you not like me. I apologise, and I do love writing, but I've said it once and I'll probably say it again. All anybody needs is appreciation. I was really hurt by your comment and although it helped me see the error of my ways, I don't need somebody I don't know basically telling me they don't like me and that I need to toughen up, when they don't know half of what I've been through.

Writing was the only thing I had left to retreat to, and even my love of that faded. It was hard to force every word out because when all you do is cry, it's kinda hard to find inspiration. So please don't comment again if all you're going to do is judge me. I'm sorry if you felt manipulated and I'm sorry for being so pathetic.

The rest of you, I'm extremely sorry for being such a douchebag. Thank you for your comments and I will be staying, just so I can teach myself a lesson. Whether I want to or not. ;)

This authors note has gotten way too long, and all I've seemed to do is apologise. Phew.

So, I'll leave you to reading the next installment now!

Peace out.

x
p.s: Thank you to Cassie,
Alice,
Penelope-X,
Debs K,
Rachel,
SK (She doesn't like me because she thinks I'm too leniant on my writing because I think I'm good enough, when the truth is, I just do my best and you can't really get better than your best, right? Pf - teachers! :) ),
Hani (lol),
Zeviyane (special thank you to your amazing comment),
Amanda J. (wow - a series on here or a published series - either way, I'd like to read it!),
Latoya (which one is your story? I'll come and write a million comments under different names. lol :) ),
Jazz,
Marie,
Anonymous (don't worry - there shall be magical powers but NO VAMPIRES - I think ;) ),
and Mehwish (you have nearly the same name as me!)
for commenting on my last chapter and telling me I'm great even though I'm not. So, there you are. Thank you. :)

x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x

"Where did you disappear off to?" Irena was saying as we took our places in English, side by side, and opened our exercise books up. A little frown puckered my forehead, but I smoothed it out before Irena could catch it. How would it seem if your best friend complained of you not taking any notice of her while her boyfriend was around? Your single best friend?

It would seem like she was jealous, that’s what, and although maybe I was, a little, deep down, I was also completely understanding and happy for the couple.

"I went out – I told you." I replied quietly, trying to hide the irritation in my voice. I seemed to get too angry too quickly these days – I wondered what was up with that.

"Oh, don’t look now, but here he comes."

"Who comes?"

"Cole, of course."

My gaze immediately flitted up from the blank page I was staring at to the boy walking in at that moment. He glanced over, and his eyes caught mine for a brief second; he smiled in friendliness. "Did you see that? He was totally giving you the eye!" my best friend cried from beside me.

Ah. Irena had seen the epigrammatic exchange. She would be all over it like a particularly irritating rash now – I would never hear the end of Cole Lodger.

Sighing tiredly, I propped my head up with my right hand and regarded her with what I hoped was a warning expression.

"No, he was not. We were talking before, is all. Not even a hint of flirting in there. It meant nothing. He’s a guy I’ve had one conversation with, and he’s clearly not interested. I mean, I’m not even sure he wants to be friends…"

"Is this a private conversation or can anyone join in?" A newly familiar voice interrupted, causing my head to slip off my hand in surprise. I closed my eyes, counted to three and then slowly turned to face him.

"Cole, hi. It’s a private conversation." I muttered, hoping against hope that he hadn’t heard everything I’d been saying. I mean, it was embarrassing enough with Irena already on my back, but to have Cole listen to our conversation – that conversation in particular? That was just excruciating.

"Oh…so I don’t get a say in whether we’re going to be friends or not?" he asked lightly. So he had heard. Trying to control the light blush threatening to engulf my cheeks, I thrust a hand through my hair and gritted my teeth for the third time that day. I’m going to saw them down to stubs if this carries on.

"Whatever." I muttered, for lack of a better comeback. Thankfully, Cole turned away from me then. He looked straight at Irena, who was fluttering her eyelashes rather suspiciously. I wanted to nudge her in vexation, but she was the kind of person who always rubs the place where you hit them and say, really loudly, ‘Ow! What did you do that for?!’ I decided to leave it out.

"She’s telling the complete truth. No flirting whatsoever. She did check me out, though. Does that count?" Cole was saying, rather confidently, to a still fluttering Irena. She laughed – too long and too loud – and shot a triumphant glance at me. The glance said ‘he’s perfect’.

"It certainly does count, you lucky man. You’re in for a rollercoaster ride." She teased, flicking her fiery red curls back. She was leaning rather flirtatiously towards him, and although he seemed to like her, I somehow knew he wasn’t giving into her…affable nature. In fact, his eyes were back to being fixed unnervingly on me.

When he didn’t answer for a moment, and Irena’s almost non-existent attention span drifted to the teacher’s lecture, the stare became uncomfortable. I gave up and glanced at him.

"What?" I frowned, shifting myself in the wooden chair I was seated in. Cole seemed unaware that I had spoken, and just looked on in silence. For a minute.

"Are your eyes naturally that colour?" he asked quietly. I glanced at him, surprised at the question, and was suddenly very self conscious. Why would he think that I wore contacts? My eyes were totally normal.

"Well, yeah." I shrugged, my tone implying that he explain. But he didn’t. He nodded firmly, as if his speculations had been confirmed, and turned his head back to Mr Gilding. I let my eyes linger questioningly on his profile for a second, hoping he would turn and elucidate his weird behaviour, but he didn’t, and I didn’t ask, and so it was forgotten.

x~x~x~x~x

The sky, when I was walking home from school that day, was so dark it could be mistaken for night. I usually took the bus, but after finding out that Cole would be riding the same one, had quickly changed my mind and braved the dire English weather instead. And this time it was dire English weather – I was no longer feeling angry or sad or annoyed; just intensely, intensely exhausted.

As I rounded the last corner onto our street, I scanned over the day in my mind. And all I could think of was Cole.

He was one person, one person whose presence was so overwhelming that he seemed to shadow my whole life in but a day.
Every lesson he had been there, sometimes teasing, sometimes silent, always somehow managing to find a place to sit next to me. I suppose it was understandable on one level; he was new, he was alone, he wanted friends. But what I couldn’t understand was why he almost ignored Lucy Waterman, and how he didn’t really even seem interested in Irena; pretty, feisty Irena that many guys had slaved to get close to.

It was me he sat next to in lessons, me he talked to at lunch, me he asked to show him the gym when the time came for last lesson PE. If he was just another new kid, I would have dismissed it all without another thought. But something told me Cole Lodger wasn’t just another new kid. Not if my Energy was right, anyway.

I couldn’t deny the unexplainable buzz that I felt coursing through my veins the first time I set eyes on him, the unexplainable buzz that was more that just first sight hormonal attraction. The unexplainable buzz that informed me, in some way or another, that Cole Lodger might just be different, too.

When I finally pushed the front door of our house open, it was empty. I had expected this. Maxi had his football lessons and mum was still at work. And after the emotionally hectic day I had experienced, the silence was a soothing and welcoming solace to my ears.

I hung my jacket up and ran upstairs to put my things away. The next few hours were spent aimlessly flicking through an old book before the phone rang, breaking me out of my boring pastime.

"Summer? Oh, thank heavens you picked up! Maxi has hurt his arm at football practice and we’re at the A&E now. I don’t know how long we’ll take, but you’ll probably have to get dinner in for yourself. Don’t worry about us, I’ll buy him a little treat, but get to bed in time and everything okay?" As soon as I picked up, my mother’s overexcited voice was babbling down the phone and into my ear without any pause for breath. Suddenly weary of her histrionics, I sighed.

"Hey, mum." I mumbled, putting a hand on my forehead and leaning against the hall table. I didn’t know why she was so frenzied over such a little thing; even broken arms weren’t uncommon these days. And I was sure he hadn’t broken it. It was probably a sprain, and my little brother had just decided to milk it for all he was worth. "I’ll be fine.
How’s Maxi?" I asked, realising with a pang of guilt that I didn’t particularly care, not right then anyway. The words had just seemed like the right ones, the polite ones, to say.

"He’s okay, but I’m sorry honey, I have to go now. They’re taking him in." she said quickly, before slamming the phone down without another word. I looked at the handset for a moment, dazed. My mother’s speech was hard to keep up with at the best of times – in this mood she was downright incoherent.

Sighing, I picked up the novel that I was previously reading, tucked it under my arm, and slumped upstairs to bed.

x~x~x~x~x

Maxi’s arm was broken. It hadn’t really mattered to me either way bach when I was having my crazy moment, but it kind of shocked me to see him climb out of the car all pasty faced and white. His arm was in a cast, and his bottom lip jutted out a little, trembling, like he wanted to cry but wouldn’t. I ran to him despite myself, and enveloped him in a careful sisterly hug. He told me to get off in a gruff voice, but when I pulled away, he was smiling.

Mum didn’t trust him to go or come to and from anyplace anytime anymore, too. That meant that I had to come home from school as early as I could, so I could pick him up from Primary, and had to tend to his every need. I told her that five star treatment wasn’t really necessary, but she just looked at me like I was mad and told me to take him up more ice cream.

So when Irena asked me if I could go to Nathan’s little birthday celebration straight after school and I said I couldn’t make it, I was telling the truth. Irena didn’t seem to think so.

"Summer, what is up with you these days? You hardly spend anytime with me anymore. Is it because Cole hangs around with is now? It is, isn’t it? You’re shy!" She practically yelled at me in front of the two guys, shaking out her fiery red curls dramatically and placing a hand on her hip. My eyes flickered past her and I saw Cole watching me with a slightly amused expression on his face. The amusement angered me.

"Actually, Irena, my little brother has broken his arm - as you would know if you actually listened to me - and I’ve been looking after him whilst mum is at work. And how Cole got into any of this, I don’t know.
If I’ve put up with him this long, I think I could stand a couple of more hours." I wasn’t shouting, not like her. My voice was levelled, almost quiet, and my eyes fixed firmly on my best friend.

Cole, though, couldn’t help putting in his two pence and stepped in.

"Put up with me? What, exactly, do you hold against the innocent little new kid, eh?" He said jokingly, bumping his shoulder against mine. I smiled a little despite myself.

"Nothing. But I’ll get home, ask Maxi if he’s all right and meet you wherever, okay Nathan?"

Nathan, relieved at the sensible proffer, nodded and grinned at me. Irena must have felt left out because she quickly grabbed his skinny waist and hugged him.

"Kay, Summer. I’ll let you off now. But you’d better come. We’ll be at the ice cream place for the next hour or so. Dress nicer. And call me." She made a brief phone sign with one hand, grabbed Cole’s wrist with the other and walked off in a tight three, leaving me behind.

I watched their figures retreat – Nathan; a tall, slim guy with a crop of messy blonde tinted brown hair and enormously long legs, casual in jeans and a sweatshirt, Irena; a voluptuous, petite girl with a mass of wonderful red curls spiralling down her back to her tiny waist, dressed in a tight burgundy sweater and dark jeans and finally, Cole; a tall figure with wide shoulders, a strong air about him and black, black hair all mussed up at the back. He was wearing dark jeans and a hooded zip up jumper, which was currently unzipped.

As I watched, he glanced back and smiled: then they rounded the corner and were gone. I imagined for a second what I would look like from behind if I was walking with them, tucked into Cole’s side like Irena was in Nathan’s. A tall, slim girl with hair that cascaded down to the middle of her back in a wavy waterfall of brown locks.

From behind, all you would see were my jeans and converses, and the grey jacket I wore on top.

I decided I would be the most unattractive from the group. I didn’t have an all hips strut, like Irena, or an amble like Nathan’s, or a cool stride like Cole’s… Then I stopped, shook my head and mentally slapped myself. What is up with me? I’m wondering what I look like from behind? When no one even likes the front much?

Wondering where my normal self had gone and hidden, I boarded the bus and sat at the front. A group of rowdy boys at the back whooped as I walked up and, me being the idiot that I am, I blushed vulnerably.

As the bus swung towards the primary and my hand reached for a stop button, one got there first.

"All right, babe?" A sleazy voice sounded behind me. I didn’t glance back, just pushed the button anyway. "I’ll get that for you." The grubby teenager swatted my finger away from the button and pressed it himself. Sighing, I muttered my thanks and stood up just as the vehicle rumbled to a stop. "What, I don’t get a number?" the same boy laughed, making me shudder internally. I hated strong come-ons, and especially guys like this.

Ignoring the cat calls that were hollered after me, I jumped off the barely still bus and walked briskly towards the front of the primary school. Maxi was there at the wrought iron gates, as always, nursing his sore arm and talking to someone. As I approached, he said goodbye to his friend and looked irately towards me.

"You’re five minutes late." He whined complainingly as soon as I was within earshot. I looked at him, the blonde hair that I had so wanted to inherit messy and plastered against his forehead, his wide blue eyes brimming with mischief. And suddenly, I was profoundly annoyed. I shrugged and jammed my hands in my pockets, turning on my heel and making for home without answering his grievance.

I could almost hear him mimic my shrug and follow. The primary was only around the block from home, but I stopped and glanced back to see how he was doing anyway. To my irritation, he was struggling: his backpack threatening to slip down onto his bad arm and his feet dragging under the weight of both the cast and his belongings.

"Maxi, come here." I sighed, beckoning him over. He came slowly, and I took his bag from him, slinging it onto my own shoulder. My hand came out without pause and ruffled his damp hair in one of my oldest habits.

"Thanks." He grinned abashedly at being caught out being weak, and we were all right again. I was glad. Maxi may have been a pain sometimes, but he was my baby brother, and I loved him.

"S’okay Junior." I said. And then, thinking that this moment of sibling love was perfect, asked him, "Maxi, do you think I’m okay to leave you for a few hours? Only its Nathan’s birthday and we wanted to eat out, maybe see a movie…? If I leave you with some tea and supper to heat up you’ll be okay, right?" My tone was pathetically hopeful, even though Irena was practically a bitch to me just before. Dress nicer. I’d show her.

"Course, Summer. I’ll be fine. I don’t know why mum thinks I need a babysitter anyway; I’m practically grown up now…" Maxi answered, smiling generously at me. I looked at his familiar, ruddy face and reached over to give him a squeeze.

"Thanks Max." I said, ignoring his muffled protests about a reputation to maintain. He was sweet when he wanted to be.

After I’d released my little brother from my iron grip and got him sorted with a snack and food for later, I bounded up the stairs and flung my wardrobe door open in excitement. I had an assortment of old clothes, with a few new items thrown in there, and I loved all of them, so I was still ambivalent on what to wear to leave Irena speechless even after spending almost the whole walk home thinking about it.

Deciding that I didn’t want to look like I tried too hard, I pulled my black skinny jeans and Converse on as a base to my outfit. On top, I eventually decided on a soft, tight, green off the shoulder cashmere jumper my mother had bought me for my last birthday. I jammed my earphones in and slipped a black jacket on. When I got downstairs, Maxi was lounging across a leather couch, stuffing his face with junk and watching cartoons.

I shouted a brief goodbye at him as I ran out of the house. The ice cream parlour that we often met at was just a few blocks away from my house, so I walked on foot. The wind picked up and a slight breeze blew my hair away from my face. I revelled in the cool warmth, knowing it wouldn’t be long before we would have long summer nights. Then again, with Cole on the scene, that might not be too bad… I remember thinking laughingly as I pushed through the glass door and into the popular hang out.

To my dismay, several groups of Pine Forest students were scattered around the parlour, and many of them looked up as I entered. Tracy Foster, a girl I vaguely knew, leaned over to Linda Hartman – a pretty blonde – and whispered something, all the while looking my way. I wondered what they could have been talking about, but a glance towards my friends told all.

They had picked a booth that seated four, commonly known amongst the teenagers of Rhodes as ‘The DD seat’. It stood for double date. There was Nathan and Irena, and opposite, Cole, sitting alone. I no longer wondered what might be going through their minds. How imaginative.

"Oh hey, Summer!" Irena looked up just at that moment and beckoned me over to their shiny red table. Smiling, I obeyed and walked over to the trio, acutely aware of the stares I was attracting. I cast my eyes to the floor.

"You made it." I heard Cole say, and looked up, thinking he was talking to me. But what I saw made my heart falter worryingly and my already shaky confidence drop through the ground.

Lucy Waterman, dressed in a skimpy silk halter and the tightest pants known to man, slid into the seat I had assumed had been saved for me. Her long, straight blonde hair swished over her left shoulder, cutting me off from the rest of the group.