I Love Him, I Love Him Not - 22

Heeeey everybody! :)

I have good news and I have bad news. This story, sadly, is drawing to an end. That's the bad news. The good news is, though, that I just finished up another story for you guys to read! Yeah! It's another idea from a movie (John Tucker Must Die) but it's basically different and I hope you enjoy it when it comes out! :)

Zy - Thank you! :) And don't worry, I'm back on the writing scene now. You just try and get me to stop. :)

Cheyenne Taylor - Thanks a trillion. I've been working my butt off and hopefully it shall pay off. Have I ever mentioned that I really like your name? :)

Ella Jade - Aaw, thank you! That made me feel all emotion-able. x) Equally as much love coming your way.

Ginaeve S. - Thank you soooo much. You do not understand how happy that comment made me. I'm seriously doubting your mental stability, though. Better than Twilight? Better than the Vampire Academy Series? You must be joking! But honestly? That means a lot to me. :) Thank you.

Brianna F. - Sorry. Imma finish, though. ;)

Everyone else - How many times have I said Iove you? And enjoy! :)
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The lessons passed slowly. It wasn’t a good slow. Cole treated me like a pupil and a princess, and I treated him like a teacher. We didn’t speak of our past at all, and I was glad, thinking that when the lesson (a week after my first) was over I could just disappear up to my bedroom and hopefully hold my tears in as I thought everything over again, as I had for the previous week.

But no such luck.

When the customary two hours were over, I turned quickly to leave, but he was too quick for me. His hand shot out and closed around my arm. It was such an unexpected touch that I almost stumbled. There was a catch in my throat and all I could feel were his fingers, his skin, burning into mine. His touch was still amazing.

"Sir?" I managed to control the shakiness in my voice, and Cole let go of my arm.

"I’m sorry, your highness." He bowed his head like he was terribly ashamed of himself, but I knew better. This was, after all, the man that had kissed me so many times… the man whose hands had once lain not on my arm but at my shoulders or waist or even the small of my back.

"It’s all right. Now, if you will excuse me, I need to be…" I began, but my words trailed off when I saw the look on his face. It was a mixture of annoyance and wounded pride… but there was something else, there, too. Something I couldn’t decipher.

"Please, your highness." He looked right into my eyes. "We need to talk."

My gaze was immediately captured by those aquamarine irises, and I couldn’t look away. My mind was on the times when I had looked into them before, right before a kiss, when we were having a profound moment, every single time he said something that made me feel all funny inside… I swallowed hard and licked my lips nervously. He watched me carefully, and all of a sudden, the strength seemed to drain out of him. His shoulders slumped slightly, and he dropped his head so a dark curl fell into his eyes. He knew I would say no.

And, just like that, I knew what that other emotion had been. It had been sadness. Cole was actually sad. Before I knew what I was doing, my lips moved and I heard myself say yes.

"Half an hour. You have half an hour." I said, and I tried to make my voice hard and queenly, but it was no use. It trickled from my lips like a soft sigh.

"Thank you." Cole said, and that strange half smile returned - the half smile that showed he was hurting terribly underneath. He extended his arm, crooked at the elbow, and I slipped my hand through it. I didn’t even think anything of it. I was to be escorted everywhere this way now.

We began to walk - slow, lazy steps in the blazing sunset. The silence was slightly strained, and when I couldn’t take the tension anymore, I took a deep breath and asked,

"What did you want, Sir?"

Cole looked at me in a way that was strange to understand. It was like he was rememorizing every detail of my face, starting from the eyes and straying down till they lingered on my lips. My eyes closed slowly, and I took in a deep breath. "What do you want?" I repeated, hating the way his gaze made me feel all hot and tingly inside.

"I wanted to talk." Cole said, turning his head and staring straight ahead again. "I think you should know what happened after you left me. Thomas found Lightening and Tawny. He took care of them for me before he rode up here. I went home, knowing you would be safe with him following. Plus…I thought Gwen was pregnant then… I couldn’t leave her alone. So I went home and found Gwen crying her eyes out. She was on the floor of the stables, and she was all wrapped up around herself. She had just got her period."

I listened to all this quietly, and swallowed hard when I heard the last bit. "Gwen wasn’t pregnant?"

"No." Cole looked right at me. "We don’t exactly have pregnancy tests here, as you probably figured out. It was never a sure thing."

I nodded, and he went on.

"Summer… that night… it was a mistake, you realize that, don’t you?" He said, and it felt like my heart stopped. He came all this way, went through all this trouble, just to be sure he was rid of me? Just to be sure the stupid, idiotic princess still didn’t harbour a crush on him.

Sadness and angriness battled against my heart, and I gritted my teeth.

"Yes, I know it was a mistake. You hastened to remind me over and over again. I told you that I had moved on. Just accept it, Sir. You are nothing to me anymore, as I was nothing to you. Why you are standing here, attempting to relive the past, I’ll never know. But –"

I was shut up quite suddenly by the hand over my mouth. I looked first down at his fingers, and then up at his face.

"I didn’t mean it was a mistake in that way. I meant it was a mistake for me to think and pretend like I didn’t feel the same way. Me and Gwen were over long before the night in the storm. Gwen and I were over that last day back in Rhodes, when you were walking in the rain and you turned to look at me across the car park, do you remember? And you were wearing my jacket and that ridiculously gorgeous white dress and you looked so beautiful that it made my heart hurt."

As he said all this, my eyes widened and filled. And when I blinked, tears trickled down my cheeks and into his hands. He moves his fingers from my mouth. The wind had suddenly picked up, and it threw my hair back with a vigour that was strange in Constantia. I knew it was my upset, and I bit down hard on the inside of my cheek, trying to control my power.

"Where have you been for the past four years?" I asked, my voice hoarse and husky.

"Waiting for you. Working. Earning my keep." He looked down at the ground and then back up into my eyes sheepishly. "Writing songs. I know you used to do that."

"Oh Cole." It wasn’t a sigh of resistance, but it wasn’t a sigh of acceptance either. I had spent these four years apart building walls around my heart, and the cement was just too strong to break down.

He put his arms around me tentatively, and I relaxed in them slightly.
My head fell against his chest as he hugged me to him. He still felt the same. Like he had been made for me. Well, not the same. Better.

He pulled apart a little and rested his forehead against mine.

"What do you say?"

I pulled away and stepped out of the circle of his arms. My gaze dropped to the floor and the corners of my mouth pulled up into a sad, little smile.

"You never wanted me, Cole. It took me years, but I got over it. I learnt what broken trust was. This is wrong. I’m so, so sorry."

And, with my head held high, I turned around and began to walk back to the house. My hair billowed out behind me, and the hem of my dress dragged slightly against the ground. But, in that moment, even through my tears, I felt like a princess.
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It was the middle of the night. Or the middle of the morning. Whatever. All I knew was that at that moment, I was almost frantic with confusion at the scene that had taken place just a few hours before. I simply couldn’t believe that everything, in the end, had turned out positive for me.

Positive in a way, anyway.

Gwen wasn’t really pregnant. Cole did return my feelings. I was doing great as a princess. My auntie was amazing.

So why did I feel this yawning emptiness in my chest? It wasn’t because I had said no to Cole, was it? I mean, that had to be done. He had upset me. A lot. Left for four years without even sending me a letter or something. Led me to believe that Gwen and he were playing happy families somewhere far, far away from the place where I was playing distressed princess. He was in the wrong.

I couldn’t let him think that after all these years, he could just walk in the door and I’d have my arms open, waiting for him. Besides, it wasn’t like I even loved him anymore. I think.

I lay my head back against the pillows on my bed and through of how I had felt when he had taken me into his arms. Safe, secure and utterly electric. Like my heart had suddenly burst into life again.

Yup. Definitely still had feelings for him. My last thought was a frenzied question of what to do about it before my eyelids finally drooped, and I fell into a deep, deep sleep.

The next day was uneventful. My Aunt taught me how to do cross stitching (totally boring) for hours on end until it was time to see Cole again. I hurried up to my room and flung the doors of the wardrobe open. This time, I chose a flattering black dress that my aunt would have definitely disapproved of. She seemed obsessed with having me in pastels all the time.

It was another off the shoulders one, and hugged my torso till my waist, where it flared slightly and fell to the ground. I looked at myself in the mirror. My fingers made quick work of my hairpins and then, because I couldn’t resist, I picked up some kohl and lined my eyes lightly with it. I didn’t need it… but I wanted it, I suppose.

God only knows why.

And then I had to go. I pulled on some soft black ballet slippers and walked downstairs. Dread filled me at the confrontation that I was sure would come, and by the time I stepped out of the door and saw Cole, it felt like my heart would burst, only from overuse this time.

"S-sir…" I stuttered, and was totally surprised when Cole grinned and bowed.

"Your highness." He said, and then held his arm out, like he always did. He began to walk, and I stumbled on in surprise, sneaking peeks at him through my eyelashes. Finally, he said something. "Four years I’ve waited to approach you. Four years. In all that time, I have never wanted something so much. If you think the chase is over, you are mistaken." He stopped and turned to me. Almost absentmindedly, he reached up and brushed a curl of hair from my eyes, and then stared into them as intently as if he knew how hard my hard was beating. "It is only just beginning."