I Love Him, I Love Him Not - 21

Hey people!

Okay, don't kill me. I know this seems like a lame excuse, but I actually have had writers block. I've experienced it fully for the first time, and let me tell you, it's HORRIBLE. I just couldn't find inspiration in anything. Plus, I'm going through my GSCE's, which is a total bugger.

But I'm back now, hopefully for good. :)

Vani - I agree that Summer should try. But sometimes, in the heat of the moment... I'm sure we all know how that feels. ;)

Lesley - I might do Cole's POV soon. :)

MINIMAN - Aha! I have a grand master plan for the girlfriend. You just wait and see. x)

Ciriat - Have I ever mentioned that I love your comments? Thank you. :)

Zy - Sadly, no. I'd love to try, but... well, there isn't a but, really. I feel bad now. :(

Diana - Steaminess soon to come. I just need to get rid of a few things...or people... :) Oh yeah, and love you too. :)

EB1234 - Hey, thank you! Keep reading. :)

Miranda Griggs - I get you. But many people are actually this stupid (looks sheepish) and feel they love the person so much that they have nothing to lose by hanging on. I'm just trying to make Summer believable, I guess. But don't worry. Imma have a happy ending for this one. :)

Celeste - Yup, I have, and I absolutely love it. The story is sort of a remake, which is what it says in the authors notes at the top of the chapter. :)

Bee - Thank you!! I'm fourteen going on 24. :) I'm not really that good. But I love writing so... here you go. And the comment thing? I was just depressed and a little phyco for a while. I'm over it now. :)

wheelz1922 - Thank youu!

Everyone else - What can I say? I love you people. Comment again and you never know, the chapters might actually come out faster. ;)
x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x

<<3yearsLater>>

The sky was brilliant, that I had to confess. Somewhere along the horizon, the sunset was turning the sky a bloody red colour, which faded to burnt orange which, in turn, changed to a bright golden dyed blue above. Stars dusted and littered the whole colour, and I smiled as I spotted the moon through the tainted blue.

"Your majesty?" A voice murmured from my side. I shot the man a smile.

"It’s Summer, Timothy. How many times have I asked you to refrain from calling me anything otherwise?"

"I’m sorry, milady." He says, blushing lightly. I watched blink. He really has the most amazing eyelashes. So thick…and delicate, somehow.

"It’s perfectly fine, Timothy." I say graciously, looking down at my hands. They’re covered in light blue silk gloves that reach my elbows, and I am dressed in a nice matching dress that reaches down to my skippered feet. A parasol type thing leaned against the balcony at my feet, along with my discarded bonnet.

Things are so different now that I wonder where my life drifted away, but I liked it, in a strange way. A princess in training, I had undergone a transformation. Gone were the jeans and tank tops, replaced with delicate, fine dresses that fell to my feet. Gone were the days filled with nothing. I was hard at work all the time, employing people, helping people, gaining trust. It was good in a way.

The downfall?

I couldn’t properly rule and become queen until I found a husband.
This was hard. Thomas was my sort of, almost boyfriend, sure. But I wasn’t entirely comfortable with the thought of spending my life with him. The only one I had ever been sure of was… well, no need to think about that. No need to think about him.

Wounds were barely healed. Every time I pressed my lips to Thomas’s, I was envisioned Cole there in front of me. Every time I ran my hand through Thomas’s hair, it left me thinking that it was too short, too silky and fine. But that was all.

I didn’t cry anymore. I didn’t sit and think about him for hours on end. It just wasn’t me anymore. A long year had drained me of the strength to deal with him, and now he was merely a memory of a man I had had a crush on once.

"Would you - would you mind terribly if I kissed you, milady?" Timothy, my escort for the night, asked, his eyes wide and hopeful. I laughed softly, and lay a hand upon his cheek.

"I’m sorry, Timothy. Thomas wouldn’t care much for that." I smiled gently and patted his face once. Over the year and the many balls that had occurred during it, I had realized that turning down various princes and dukes were simply part of the job. They would, unlike in New Rhodes, ask if they could kiss me, take my hand, or dance. It was strange; having so much attention channeled my way.

But I suppose, as the mirror told me every morning, I wasn’t exactly hard on the eyes. Plus, the fact that I was a princess could have had something to do with it.

"Summer! Summer, darling!" My auntie, the stand in for queen while I married, was calling me.

"I’m so terribly sorry, Timothy, but I have to go." I smiled at the man, and turn to leave. He didn’t stop me. I knew that he would stare longingly after me and then walk away without another thought, his mind already on the next princess he could woo. Nobody thought of marriage as a love match here. Marriage, to the royalty, was merely a match of two people that complimented each other either financially or in heritage. There was no talk of love when Auntie and I discussed my forthcoming nuptials, and in a way, I was rather glad.

I had been in love once, and it had proved nothing but a seemingly endless time period of shattering pain.

"Ah, Summer, there you are." My Aunt Rose, a beautiful woman in her late thirties, said, looking resplendent in a pink gown, her long, golden hair swept up atop her head. "I need to talk to you."

These five words were never good. Despite the age difference, I regarded my Aunt as a sister, and she treated me as reasonably as she would a sibling. We talked, laughed and giggled together. The only time she had ever been serious was when I had first arrived at the castle, in tattered jeans and a dirt smeared top, looking quite deprived of food and water. I had made my own way to the castle.

In the end, it was a long, difficult journey, but I had rid myself of Cole, who I hadn’t heard of or from since.

"Yes, Auntie? What’s the matter?" I asked, following her back inside and into the small library, where we resigned to comfy couches and chairs.

"Well, Summer, it’s like this." Aunt Rose began, fixing me with a deep blue stare that usually better suited the very depths of the sea, but became her in an alarmingly beautiful manner. "You and Thomas, I know you have been… Well, fooling around is the only way to put it. You intend to marry someone else, and yet I’ve seen the way you let him hold your hand and kiss you. I have no qualms concerning this… I understand that in New Rhodes, such things happen; people have… partners they don’t fully intend to marry. But since Thomas is your mentor as well as your….special friend….I feel this arrangement is quite unsuitable. You can continue seeing Thomas, but only as a friend. Otherwise, I have hired a new mentor to show you the ways of archery and such. I shall still be teaching you the ways of the needle, as usual."

"Huh?" I hadn’t quite processed this new information. Thomas had taken over my mentoring when I had arrived alone, without the usual mentor my father had arranged for me before his passing. Thankfully, Aunt Rose knew nothing of who it was, and so I was not chastised terribly when I suggested Thomas take over the position.

He was a kind and gentle teacher, his words soft and soothing as I got frustrated over what a bow and string was, or whatever. I liked being taught by him. Who knew what ragamuffin would replace him?

"But…Auntie… I like Thomas." I stuttered, blinking hard a few times. Our moments, although not entirely satisfactory, were stolen as it was.

"Exactly." Aunt Rose said firmly. "Which is why I would like you to meet your new mentor, Sir Cole Antonio Armani."

I heard the words, but I didn’t quite process them until the man that I had been trying so hard to forget actually walked into the room. I didn’t think it was my imagination when the sun suddenly broke through the clouds and cast everything in that golden sunset light. I blinked and just looked at him.

He looked so good. Even better, if possible, than when I had last seen him. His hair was ragged and longer, and seemed even more inky black than before. I had admired Timothy’s eyelashes, but I had forgotten just how long and thick and dark Cole’s had been, framing that amazing, silvery, deep aquamarine of his irises. He looked good, but not good good, like he had been living it up without me.

He looked delectable in the sense that he was a wild man - his hair looked like he had cut it himself and his skin was golden from too many days in the sun. My eyes drank him in - he seemed taller and broader, and a shadow of a beard covered his jaw. The jaw that, upon seeing me, tensed considerably.

Suddenly, I didn’t feel so good. My chest felt hollow, my stomach twisted and my eyes, strangely, felt hot.

"Your highness," Cole murmured, before dropping to his knee and bowing his head before me. His voice…oh God, that voice. How could I have even kidded myself, saying that I had forgotten or even hated it? I didn’t. I couldn’t. It was deep and smooth and rumbling. It still held that promise of power, that promise of danger… It was still the voice that had soothed me to sleep, that had driven me wild during the longs nights when I still dreamt of him.

"Sir Armani." I said stiffly, my voice sounding strange and choked even to me. Aunt Rose looked at both of us strangely.

"You know each other?" she asked, her cobalt eyes taking on a hint of sparkle. I licked my lips and averted my eyes from the man at my feet, and it was him that spoke.

"Yes. Her father sent me originally, to be her guidance through New Rhodes into Constantia. We experienced a few… hitches, and her highness thought it best that she proceed unescorted." Cole answered, and the sound of his voice almost drew me to tears. I swallowed hard.

"Is this true, Summer?" My aunt asked, turning her gaze on me.
"Yes, Auntie. My apologies. I wasn’t quite familiar with our customs then." I said, and my voice sounded husky with the restrained tears.

"Well, at least we can skip the introductions and get right onto the lessons. Sir Armani, gather the appropriate equipment for archery, if you would, and Summer, my dear, go and change out of that dress and wear something lighter. All your lessons are to be at sunset now, when we have hope that nobody will stumble upon our princess not looking her best." Aunt Rose smiled at me, and then at Cole, who had risen to his feet, but still had his head bowed. "Go, children."

I swallowed again, and it took my every drop of willpower to walk past him and out of the room. I walked quickly to the stairs, flew up them, and then began to run. I gathered my skirt with my hands and didn’t even stop to admire the golden sunlight that filled the whole castle through the wide, glassless windows we kept everywhere.

Tears were streaming down my face, and my insides were in turmoil. Why had he come back? Was he set on ruining my life? Everything hurt as if it were fresh wounds across my heart instead of ugly scars long healed. I was, to be honest, scared. I was doing so well. It would be all too easy to fall back into the old pattern of yearning for him from afar.

I got to my room and discovered it locked. Frustrated, I banged on the door. The key was in my purse which, of course, I had left back in the library. No way was I going back down there again. Instead, I just envisioned a key being in the lock, turning. With a satisfying click, the door opened. I walked in, wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand.

Of course I didn’t like him anymore. What was the point of crying when they were tears wasted for a man I felt nothing for anymore?

I sighed and unzipped my dress, which fell to my feet in a puddle. I wore a corset (yes, a real corset. Apparently, they don’t have bras here) underneath, and these long underpants that tightened below the knee that seemed to substitute for knickers. I looked in the mirror and, for a second, yearned to see the old me back. I imagined Maxi and my mother, and mentally sent them a wave of calm.

Sometimes, I looked into their lives and saw the sadness there. My mother coped surprisingly well with me gone. Maxi was fine. Grieving, but fine. Sometimes, I sent them dreams of me to assure them that I was fine.

I opened the doors of my cupboard and found a simpler dress, one with an A-line skirt instead of the typical princess dresses that I was forced into day after day. The dress fell off my shoulders, and was very pretty and simple, of pure white. I slipped into it and changed my shoes for some soft ballet slippers.

My hair was a tangle of waves, as always, but was swept neatly into an up do. Thomas had always liked it like this, but I got tired of the pins. I slipped them out and let my hair fall free. At least I looked like a princess. With those disconcerting midnight violet eyes, long, thick eyelashes and that golden tan, I was pretty. Maybe not myself, but pretty anyway.

I wiped my eyes again, and walked out of the room, mentally locking the door behind me. I tried to keep my mind off who I was to be spending my evenings with, but it didn’t help. Cole. My Cole. The Cole I had loved so much. He was back. Here. In my life again. And he looked good enough to eat.

I made my way downstairs. Auntie Rose looked at me smilingly, her gaze approving. She pressed her lips once to my forehead.

"He’s waiting for you out the back." She said, and then winked. "A terribly handsome fellow, isn’t he?"

I smiled, but weakly. "That’s one way to put it." I sighed, and then walked to the kitchen.

"Your majesty, your majesty, you startin’ your lessons again?" A maid asked, grinning prettily up at me. I smiled at all of them. The staff were so kind, so considerate…they were almost family.

"Yes, Dana, I am." I said, and then nodded to all the maids. Cook, who was a large, rotund woman, looked me up and down.

"Mightily pretty, dear." She commented, smiling like a proud grandmother. I smiled back.

"Thank you," I said, and then I was at the back door. I opened it and slipped outside. Cole was there, waiting for me, and the weight of our aloneness hit me like a brick.

"Your highness," He bowed deeply, his face expressionless. I curtsied politely.

"Sir."

And then he was leading me down the path silently, through the wonderful flower garden to the back field, which stretched on for as long as you could see, closed in by a fence of tall trees. This was where Thomas and I had embraced, where he had told me how to hold a bow, where I had failed miserably every time. The memories hit me in a deluge, and I almost smiled.

"You highness, before we begin, you understand there a few thing we must discuss?" Cole said in a hurtfully formal tone as we approached the target boards and arrows that were set about.

"I understand, Sir. Do carry on." I murmured, not looking at him but at the ground.

"It was wrong for you leave without warning that night. Terribly wrong. I worried so much for your health, for your well being. This world is full of ragamuffins, in some ways worse than New Rhodes. For you to just leave like that, unattended, in those clothes, that was wrong. You could have been mauled, robbed, hurt -"

"Yes, I know all that. You are in no position to tell me what I should have done or not. As you understand, I was not in the most rational state of mind then. I was foolish and upset… I assure you, some things have changed since then. I am not the girl I was, and you, I assume, are not the man."

Cole’s eyes burned into mine for the first time since he had walked back into my life. "I’m still Cole." He said cordially enough, but there was an edge to his words that made him seem like he was challenging me.

"Perhaps it’s good that I am not the same Summer, then." I said, staring right back. His gaze dropped to the floor, almost nervously, and instant regret trickled through me. "I’m sorry. I - I’m tired, and I’m nervous and I’ve just had a big shock." I smiled weakly at him. "Forgive me?"

In that instant, I made a decision. If this man was to be my mentor for the foreseeable future, I would try my best to get along with him without getting my heart broken again.

The corners of Cole’s mouth tugged up in the smallest of smiles.

"Of course. Now, pick the bow up and hold it against your body like so…"