I Don't Know What to Do

My mom caught me ...last year... and of course dad found out.
I didn't really care about mom
Because she was always drunk anyway
But dad... dad cried. each tear hurt me so much inside
I didn't mean to hurt him
I think he blamed himself... but it had nothing to do with him

I knew that my dad loved me. I knew it.
I knew that no matter how many time my sister
Called me a loser, or was grouchy to me,
She loved me, too.
I knew, deep down, that when my mom
Was sober,
She loved me, too.

But I felt so unloved. So hurt and afraid
And guilty of being caught
They threatened to hospitalize me
Told me I'm not normal
Dad cried (cried!) and told me that
He hurt a thousand times, for each cut on my arms.

I tried to get better for him
And I was doing fine
I was forgetting about Andy
And Mike and even Caiden
And I had almost forgotten
How much they'd hurt me

My cuts were scars.
They didn't bleed anymore.
But in the dark of night... I still bled inside
I feel so alone. so so so a.l.o.n.e.
Alone and loveless. l.o.v.e.l.e.s.s.
Even though I knew
My family loves me. and I'm not
Truly alone.

I knew that.
I know that.
But that's when i started feeling
So self conscious s.e.l.f.c.o.n.s.c.i.o.u.s
About my body. about my t h i g h s.
And that's about when dad started telling me
No One Looks Pretty In What You're Wearing.
N.o.O.n.e.

And my. t h i g h s . feel like a . m i l e w i d e .
And I just feel that urge
Especially now, after . Jason .
Just writing his name... thinking of his eyes...
I loved that boy. l.o.v.e.

Now you might think I'm too young
To have felt love
And I'm too young
To understand.
And yes, I am too young for love,
Too young to understand why.

But I just want to feel loved.
Not the family way. no.
I know you think I've got
Plenty of years for the kind of love I want
But what if I died tomorrow? and I'd never felt
That kind of love?

And late at night
A night like tonight
I just feel so h.o.p.e.l.e.s.s.
I just feel so u.n.l.o.v.e.d.
And I just want someone beside me
H.u.g.g.i.n.g.M.e.C.l.o.s.e.
And telling me that I'm
Not too b.r.o.k.e.n. to
l.o.v.e.