Humorous Quotes
Here is a compilation of humorous quotes that is bound to have you in splits!
Humorous Quotes on Alcoholism
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am." - Mega Jones
"The best beer in the world, is the open bottle in your hand!" - Danny Jansen
"Irish coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol." - Anonymous
"It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her." - W.C. Fields
"Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly." - Winston Churchill
"Beauty lies in the eye of the beer holder." - Anonymous
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henny Youngman.
"I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast." - WC Fields
Humorous Quotes on Love/Relationships
"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love." - Albert Einstein
"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste." - David Bissonette
"What the world really needs is more love and less paperwork." - Pearl Bailey
"You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." - Melanie Clark
"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success." - Jim Backus
"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender." - Rodney Dangerfield
"I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming." - Jimmy Carter
Humorous Quotes on Age
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." - Bob Hope
"I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow." - Billy Connolly
"No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating." - Oscar Wilde
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it's such a nice change from being young." - Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle" - Bob Hope
"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Jack Benny
General Humorous Quotes
"I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell." - Garry Shandling
"Humor is also a way of saying something serious." - T S Eliot
"Time is God's way to keep everything from happening at once." - James Brown
"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!" - Yogi Berra
"Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing." - Robert Benchley
"I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true." - Katherine Hepburn
"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick." - George Burns
"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." - Anne Bancroft
"Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.." - Diana Jordan.
"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." - Gloria Steinem
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