Humorous Quotes

A good sense of humor may sometimes be difficult to find in a person, in this fast paced world. With mounting pressures and grouchy behaviors on the rise, I have made a compilation of some humorous quotes to tickle your funny bone. This list of humorous quotes will definitely bring a smile on the face of even the most stressed out person. Including me! Here’s to a good laugh!

Humorous Quotes on Alcoholism:

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am." - Mega Jones

"The best beer in the world, is the open bottle in your hand!" - Danny Jansen

"Irish coffee is the perfect breakfast because it contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and alcohol." - Anonymous

"It was a woman who drove me to drink and I never got the chance to thank her." - W.C. Fields

"Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly." - Winston Churchill

"Beauty lies in the eye of the beer holder." – Anonymous

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." - Henny Youngman.

"I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast." - WC Fields

Humorous Quotes on Love/Relationships:

"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love." - Albert Einstein

"I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste." - David Bissonette

"What the world really needs is more love and less paper work." - Pearl Bailey

"You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories." - Melanie Clark

"Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success." - Jim Backus

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender." - Rodney Dangerfield

"I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming." - Jimmy Carter

Humorous Quotes on Age:

"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." – Bob Hope

"I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow." - Billy Connolly

"No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating." - Oscar Wilde

"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it's such a nice change from being young."- Dorothy Canfield Fisher

"Middle Age is when your age starts to show around your middle" – Bob Hope

"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn't matter." - Jack Benny

General Humorous Quotes:

"I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell." - Garry Shandling

"Humor is also a way of saying something serious." - T S Eliot

"Time is God’s way to keep everything from happening at once."- James Brown

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!"-Yogi Berra

"Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing." - Robert Benchley

"I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn"t true." - Katherine Hepburn

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."- George Burns

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."- Anne Bancroft

"Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.."- Diana Jordan.

"A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." - Gloria Steinem