Humor Quotes and Sayings

There is something about good quotes which makes them immortal. It may be just a momentary flash of wisdom from the person, but people remember it for ages! The person who quoted some of these immortal lines may not even remember that they have said these humor friendship quotes and sayings. I guess that's what makes them so special. It is a moment's brilliance which lasts a long time, packed in one punching statement!

Funniest Quotes and Sayings

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out".
~ Jerry Seinfeld

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
~ Jerry Seinfeld

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
~ Jerry Seinfeld

If Harry Potter's so magical, why can't he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn't need a broomstick to cling onto.
~ Frankie Boyle

A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
~ Anonymous

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job: it's a depression when you lose yours.
~ Harry Truman

Well, Clive, it's all about the two M's - movement and positioning.
~ Ron Atkinson

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.
~ Woody Allen

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.
~ Woody Allen

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
~ Steve Martin

I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and I was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.
~ Steve Martin

Yes, madam, I am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly!
~ Sir Winston Churchill

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
~ Sir Winston Churchill

I believe that sex is the most beautiful, natural, and wholesome thing that money can buy.
~ Steve Martin

My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
~ Woody Allen

I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
~ Groucho Marx

Spielberg is so powerful he had final cut at his own circumcision.
~ Robin Williams

Ballet: Men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
~ Robin Williams

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
~ Robin Williams

Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country.
~ Ian Rush

I never criticize referees and I'm not going to change a habit for that prat.
~ Ron Atkinson

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?
~ George W. Bush

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.
~ George W. Bush

Introducing 'Lite' - The new way to spell 'Light', but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
~ Jerry Seinfeld

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.
~ Jay Leno

I once said Gazza's (Paul Gascoigne) IQ was less than his shirt number and he asked me: 'What's an IQ?
~ George Best

Dogs have Owners, Cats have Staff.
~ Anonymous

Some of them scripted, some impromptu, the quotes are pure gold when it comes to being hilarious. I'm sure that these quotes must have had you in splits!